What To Do When Somebody Is Angry At You

Maybe you're in a conversation that slowly gets heated, and the other individual erupts in rage at you. What should you do?

Usually, the person that lashes out at you is someone you have a relationship with. His or her anger is unpredictable and tough. These are daily experiences are usually unpleasant and do not end well.

Do you understand how to diffuse a mad person? Do you understand what words soothe a mad person? Knowing how to deal with angry people in life and at work is an essential element of emotional intelligence and emotional competency.

The sad thing is that we are not taught what to do when someone takes their anger out on us. This is because our culture has a strong predisposition against emotional proficiency in favor of what I call phony rationality. The reality is, human beings are 98% emotional and just 2% rational. Nevertheless, our culture gives privilege to rationality over feelings, and we are not trained to be effective peacemakers.

Instead, we revert to our childhood programming since that's all we have.

As a mediator, coach, and trainer, I have studied anger, rage, and aggravation. In my professional work, I deal with these feelings regularly.

It turns out that you can respond with calm to someone who is blasting you. When you comprehend what is going on and use some counterintuitive de-escalation skills, no one can ever upset you again.

What is Anger?

Anger is both an affect and an emotion. Affect is physiologically-based and informs us what is going on around us. Affect is the physical feeling of pleasantness and unpleasantness that we experience from moment to moment.

Our emotions are based upon affect. We are not born with emotions. Instead, as babies and toddlers, we build emotion from affect. This process occurs naturally from experience.

Affect is categorized into emotional categories.

For example, from the affect of anger/rage, we can experience a range of angry emotions from moderate to extreme.

• Annoyed
• Exasperated
• Disappointed
• Peeved
• Worsened
• Upset
• Riled Up
• Outraged
• Angry
• Infuriated
• Furious
• Furious

Anger serves a vital function: to tell us something is wrong. Sometimes anger is useful, and in some cases it is harmful.

What Does An Angry Person Need?

Anger generally has five needs that must be satisfied. When somebody takes their anger out on you, one or more of these needs is not being satisfied.

The 5 Needs of Fury

Revenge

Vengeance is the need to exact pain on another individual. It is an anticipatory emotion in the sense that our brains release dopamine when we consider penalizing our transgressor. The sad problem is that if we obtain revenge, no dopamine is released, and we feel dissatisfied and unhappy. We do not feel the justice we were expecting.

Validation

Validation is the need to be respected. Everybody needs dignity, and when it is challenged, we become angry.

Vindication

Vindication is the requirement to be right and the other person to be wrong. Part of our sense of justice is based upon a determination of who is right and who's wrong. If we are right and wrongly accused of being wrong, we become angry.

The Need to be Heard

Most angry people do not feel heard. This need is satisfied when emotions are validated. If you can meet the need to be heard, you can calm an angry individual in seconds.

The Need for Safety

Every human needs physical, emotional, and spiritual security. If we feel unsafe, we will feel anger,

Individuals Will Lash Out Unthinkingly to Get These Needs Met

Most people can not self-regulate their emotions and will lash out when sufficiently anxious. When people are in a relaxed state, they can manage anxiety and stress without having to self-regulate their emotions.

When rested, individuals are elastic. They can take upsets and aggravations in stride. When exhausted and stressed out, an insignificant event can set them off into a rage. When people take their anger out on you, they are most likely in this inelastic state.

Anger is often a deflection of unpleasant deeper feelings and a defensive reaction against old pain. Unresolved childhood sadness, pity, desertion, unloved, and rejection may produce an emotionally inelastic adult vulnerable to angry outbursts.

Your Responses When Someone Lashes Out At You

When someone takes their anger out on you, you might feel

• Disrespected
• Unfairness
• Fear
• Anxiety
• Embarrassment, humiliation embarrassment
• Unworthiness
• Unhappiness
• Abandonment

These are all sensations that were programmed throughout childhood. You carried these sensations and responses into your adult years, although they are no longer useful.

How to Remain Calm In The Face of Rage

Accept that you will feel strong emotions when someone is taking their anger out on you. Even if you are taken by surprise, if you understand that you are most likely to end up being emotionally reactive, you can be prepared. The minute you begin feeling reactive, validate those sensations by naming them quietly to yourself.

You might state to yourself, "I'm feeling upset, disrespected, pissed off, afraid, and anxious."

Don't worry about labeling your sensations properly. When you begin this procedure, you are keeping your prefrontal cortex in control of your limbic system. The emotional labeling process only takes a few seconds and is the only sure method to stay calm

These 3 Amazing Strategies Will Calm Any Angry Individual in Seconds

I have done comprehensive research, study, and field-testing to discover methods to pacify anger and rage. There is only one set of methods that returns predictable results. These are the strategies that I teach to murderers who wish to become peacemakers. They have been acid-tested in the harshest environments you might envision-maximum security prisons.

Step # 1: Ignore the Words

When somebody takes their anger out on you, you know what is going to be said. Don't worry about missing out on something crucial. Angry words simply keep repeating themselves, so ignore them.

Step # 2: Read the Emotional Data Fields

You are an expert at reading people's feelings. Reading emotions is an inherent human ability. We don't simply don't practice it. The bright side is that the skill does not atrophy. All you have to do is remain in silence as you ignore the words. The other individual's emotions will immediately become visible to you.

When someone is taking their anger out on you, their feelings will be obvious. Here's a checklist:

• Annoyed
• Disappointed
• Angry
• Anxious
• Disrespected
• Not heard
• Unsupported
• Fear, afraid, frightened
• Pity, humiliation shame
• Unhappiness
• Deserted

This list will cover every scenario where someone is yelling at you.

Step #3: Reflect Back the Emotions with a "You" Statement

As feelings are revealed to you, reflect them back to the other individual with a basic "you" statement.

Keep your reflections brief and direct.

Here's your cheat sheet of reflections:

• You are upset
• You are disappointed
• You are angry
• You are anxious
• You are disrespected
• You are not heard, being listened to
• You are unsupported
• You are afraid, frightened, frightened
• You are shamed, embarrassed embarrassed
• You are sad
• You feel deserted

You may integrate emotions into one reflection, such as "You are annoyed and upset." Generally, reflect two or 3 feelings at a time. Pause. Then reflect a couple of more feelings.

Watch For The Involuntary Relaxation Response

When you have calmed the anger, you will an unconscious, involuntary relaxation response"

• A head-nod
• A dropping shoulders in relaxation
• A sigh of relief

When these occur, the anger has dissipated. These reactions occur automatically so watch carefully for them They are your signs that you are on the right track.

Brain scanning research studies have actually revealed that when you reflect back the emotions of an angry person, the anger calms down nearly instantly. The prefrontal cortex will come back online as the emotional centers of the brain are inhibited through emotional validation.

As a side benefit, when you are focused on the angry individual's emotional experience, you protect yourself from your own reactivity.

I've put some links in the comments below if you would like to learn more on this subject.

Thanks for reading.