What to do when People Shut Down Communication (Stonewalling)

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Have you ever experienced a one sided argument, where the other person calls your professionalism, ethics, and training into question only to have them turn around and close off communications as quickly as they started it?

You stand there left with the unclosed loop, never having an opportunity to correct misunderstandings, explore underlying assumptions or restore your reputation and relationship.

Last week I was on the receiving end of an unsolicited text and email filled with back handed insults, questions about my professionalism and ethics and parental undertones filled with consequences should I not stop my behavior - and as hot and fast as they jumped into my inbox, they were gone with a swift "no further contact please" after being invited to a phone call.

Stonewalling

"Stonewalling is a type of passive-aggressive behavior in which a person shuts down all communication with the person or people they're upset with. It's often used as [a defence mechanism] to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations" (Learn more at Mantracare)

Guard Your Mental Health

If you are on the receiving end of a stonewalling maladaptive stress response, there are consequences you are likely familiar with:

1. Stonewalling interferes with the natural desire and ability to resolve issues and can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, anger, stress, and feeling devalued. Stonewalling is emotional abuse, according to?BetterUp.
2. The?rejection effect (Gottman). When someone shuts down a conversation, they are effectively dismissing and rejecting you and this can lead to you questioning your own worthiness in the relationship.
3. Self doubt and questioning or your own reality with ongoing stonewalling. Psychologists call this a form of?gaslighting

As human beings, we want to close the loop and complete a conversation, to feel heard and validated, and to contribute to the cocreating of the truth.

It is not to say that we do no wrong, but the wrong that is perceived becomes an unanswered question with. no pathway for success when people shut down communication.

What I will share next are a series of steps that I took to remove the stain of their inability off of my emotional soul and get back to being my best self.

How to Respond

This section has two primary focuses: Responding to an initial text or email and what to do when communication is halted by the attacker closing off communication.

First: the initial email or text

1. Don't respond when emotionally hijacked. An email that is offensive will set off the fire alarm in your brain, the amygdala, and naturally drive you towards a fight/flight mode. Don't REACT. Take a breath, take a walk, give yourself time to come out of the reactive phase so you can choose how to respond in ways that are aligned with your core values.
2. Find the 10% truth. An offensive text or email is not without some merit. Look to find the 10% truth. This will further assist you to disarm your amygdala and help you hone in on a place where you can connect as a first step to resolving the issue.
3. Do NOT respond to their criticism in writing, instead Invite them to a conversation ... and set the rules. Be clear about the boundaries you have and what conditions will keep you in conversation.

When the request to talk is denied, and the other party asks for "no further contact", what do you do?

Second: The stonewall: Conversation Over!

As humans we love to have closure. It feels unsettling to know that there is someone out there choosing to be angry and not wanting to solve the issue with you. In this case, you need to practice self closure so you can move forward and not be trapped in their inability to have a conversation.

1. Don't take it personally - seriously - you don't own their accusations just because they said them and you don't own their feelings. Give that autonomy back to them.
2. Work on the 10% truth. There is always something new for us to learn and be better at. Commit to improving what you can control and throw out the rest.
3. Engage in mindfulness and relaxation techniques to manage stress and promote emotional well-being. Deep breathing, meditation, singing, dancing or any activity that helps you to calm the mind and reduce anxiety. Did you see the picture of my snow shark last week ... that was an intentional activity to restore my peace in the midst of her storm.
4. Recognize the importance of maintaining healthy boundaries. It's essential to be empathetic and supportive, and leaders also need to protect their own emotional well-being. Set limits on how much emotional energy you invest in the situation. The boundary I used was to only talk on zoom where we could record the conversation (she shared I was part of a hate crime, so no conversation with her was being undocumented)
5. Reach out to a trusted colleague, mentor, or friend to - not to gossip - but to explore the situation more deeply and find your path to resolution.
6. Strengthen you emotional intelligence through reading, training, and self assessments (I just finished certification and can help you with this training)

Remember, stonewalling is a passive-aggressive way of shutting off communication to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations. It is less about you and more about their ability to be with their emotions and talk through challenges.

By taking proactive steps to manage your own emotions and seeking support when needed, leaders can better navigate challenging situations and create a positive work environment

Now it's your turn ...what would you add ?

Join me February 22 at 11 am MST where we will talk about Giving Feedback to Defensive Employees. You will learn how to safeguard your own emotional health, a mindset hack to boost your success and conversational strategies.

About Tammy Dunnett

Tammy Dunnett is a global speaker and executive coach whose keynotes and workshops help mission based leaders leverage the power of relationships through heart centered connections. Tammy has over 20 years experience working in challenging and even hostile environments like Afghanistan, healthcare, and post secondary education, and knows what leaders need to do to be successful in high stress environments.

Tammy is a certified professional coach (CPCC), Associate Certified Coach with the International Coaching Federation (ACC), and has completed her Masters in Nursing (MN) with a focus on researching Workplace Bullying. She holds specialty training in Boss Whispering, Human Behavior, Positive Intelligence, Psychological Health and Safety, and Communication Skills.