What To Do When It’s Fear and Not Love That Makes You Want To Stay

Sometimes, what really needs saying… is what we don’t say – what you never admit, not even to yourself.

So I’m just going to say it.

Are you feeling stuck in a relationship that no longer ‘fits’ with you?

And do you have a secret (yet seemingly unobtainable) yearning to free yourself and start over?

Do you seek self-worth through your work to compensate for all those unhealed emotional wounds you try so hard to ignore??

If right now for you, tears well up with that whoosh of overwhelming impossibility, I want you to know that I used to feel that way too.

When love becomes attachment

You stay in your relationship yet it no longer fulfils you nor helps you to grow.?You stay out of duty, out of loyalty to your family ‘unit’ – that’s what you tell yourself, anyway.?

But the deeper reason you are staying is probably because you are afraid…

You fear either being alone (not finding anyone else) after so many years together or, you doubt if you’ll be able to financially cope in a less affluent life.

Maybe you have been trying for years, again and again, to work things out.

Still you feel exasperated that nothing really changes.?Perhaps you’re struggling to accept that your heart or your partner’s, isn’t really in it anymore.

I remember for me...

How I became so stifled that even my ex-husband’s night time breathing would drive me to the edge; feeling trapped and tortured by my own inability to force a change, for the sake of the kids.

If this is you and your self-worth is quietly drying up, I’m guessing you are no longer feeling loved, nor getting your needs met, by that special person you had once hoped and believed would be the one to cherish you forever.?

It’s time to act – here’s how:

Accept the situation for what it is

Don’t pretend it’s something it’s not.?Chances are you’ve been kidding yourself far too long already.

What’s your truth?

Create a log of all your personal and professional achievements, no matter how small or insignificant they might seem.?Detail all the talents, skills and resources you have developed and used over the years.?You are more capable than you believe.?

Ask for feedback to boost your confidence

What do your friends like and love about you??How do you enrich their lives??Ask them why. If you’re not feeling loved and valued in your relationship and haven’t been for some time, it will be easy to dismiss what they tell you – don’t!?

Others often see us more clearly than how we see ourselves.?

Get specific and list your fears

Decide which of your fears are rational and which are irrational.?Look at the evidence to help you decide.?With those rational fears, get pro-active and look at what you could do to tackle them.?What are you believing about yourself or the situation that is supporting irrational fear.?Consider other times when you thought irrationally and you were proved wrong.?

Look practically at how you might support yourself financially

Might you need to find a better job, start to put some money away, or deepen your skillset professionally? ?Get confidential legal advice if your situation is tricky.?Knowledge is power – get yourself informed.

Imagine your life five or ten years on from now

With the consequence of not taking action today. By staying stuck, are you prepared to live the rest of your life unfulfilled, and bored; feeling unworthy and unloved??Don’t let your fear now lead you to live a life filled with regret.??

Imagine how happy you could be instead

How do you want your life to be different and better.?Only you can make it happen. Imagine yourself as the person you always wanted to be… living a life that is true to yourself and feeling free???Hold onto this feeling and use it to help you to find your courage.

In a nutshell:

You have two options – do nothing and allow your happiness and your self-worth to dwindle,

Or...

Take action by..

Either this:

Get effective pragmatic support to heal communication in your marriage, get yourself heard and your needs met??

Or this:

Take steps to find yourself, and find your courage – and find a healthier and happier way forward for you in a life that is more aligned to who you choose to be.

If you’d like a conversation to discuss getting my professional discreet support, I’m here for you.

Warmly,

Lisa x

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