What to Do When Abrasive Behavior Enters your Organization

[Excerpted from International Ombudsman Association (IOA) article by Mark Batson Baril, Dec. 21, 2020.]

In my work as a Conflict Resolver, Mediator and Ombuds, I have encountered 17 situations to date that have involved a leader with an abrasive leadership style. It’s been hard for me to admit, but it took eight of those cases over several years before I really understood what was going on — and what to do about it.?

In most of those cases the teams and organizations worked toward agreements that more or less stuck and the team’s performance improved. Yet, lurking beneath those changes was the abrasive behavior of the leader/individual that had not changed, so had not been addressed in a substantial way.

If abrasive conduct exists in the organization and leadership is not addressing it, then any effort to solve the conflicts this individual has caused is only a patch to the problem and does not deal with the underlying system at play. Eventually the negative outcomes from the abrasive behavior will negate any team improvements and come back to damage the workplace and, importantly, the people involved.

What does this behavior look like? Abrasive conduct can range from mildly irritating to severely disruptive (aka workplace bullying). The effect on professional relationships and on the entire organization can be devastating, resulting in employee flight, reduced productivity, partner separations, and even litigation.

Three major roadblocks to systemic change

• When the harmful behavior comes from the most treasured talent
• Reporting and working through this situation while maintaining confidentiality
• Supporting the leader in making a change in their abrasive behavior

Roadblock 1: What if the harmful behavior is coming from your most treasured talent?

Of course, everyone is valuable in the workplace. Yet when the abrasive behavior comes from a leader with broad influence and power, it can be a very challenging situation — the elephant in the room that nobody wants (or dares) to get near. The behavior is often tolerated because the person’s work is valuable, even seen as indispensable.?

So then, is “abrasive” behavior something we’re supposed to accept, work around, or forgive in the name of their expert contribution?

From my involvement in coaching abrasive leader situations, my answer is an emphatic NO, we are not supposed to accept abrasive behavior as any part of our process, nor is the organization. Research has shown that, ultimately, abrasive behavior in the workplace does more harm than good.?

Roadblock 2: How do you report and work through this situation while maintaining confidentiality?

If you find, or suspect, a positive diagnosis of abrasive behavior in your organization, be prepared to help parties make choices about the next steps they can take. Clear thinking and a solid diagnosis give you the capacity to address behavioral issues successfully before they cause more harm or sabotage any conflict resolution process.?

If you are hearing about behaviors or symptoms from HR, management or the individual’s peers, work with them to further diagnose what’s going on, and help them think through what the best steps are for intervention.

If you are hearing about the behaviors or symptoms from people who are within the leader’s abrasive orbit (or know people who are targeted) there are multiple paths to pursue:

• Work with these individuals to explore ways they can make their experiences known to those in power.
• Use regular trend reporting to highlight symptoms of abrasive behavior you are aware of to the individual in question and/or management.
• If the behaviors you are hearing about cross the organization’s physical or psychological “harm” line, approach HR or management about the problem — in a way of course that maintains complainants’ anonymity.
• Approach the abrasive leader directly to initiate change (again, protecting the identity of the complainant(s).

Roadblock 3: In what ways can you support change in abrasive behavior?

The good news: Abrasive behavior is learned — and can be unlearned.

Dr. Laura Crawshaw’s (The Boss Whispering Institute) research has exploded the myth that abrasive leaders intentionally set out to harm others. Instead, she found the opposite — “lacking the ability to read others’ emotions, the majority of abrasive leaders are blind to the wounds they inflict.” Often they are coachable, able to unlearn and shift their behaviors for the better.?

She tells the story of a surgeon she coached who defended his behavior by “arguing that he needed to shout, throw surgical instruments, and kick doors to get his assistants to perform adequately.” What was actually the case is that the surgeon’s team was so unnerved by his angry, abusive behavior that they made more errors, not less. He did not realize this until he received coaching.

Regardless of “style” or personality, the point is that if an individual’s conduct causes emotional distress — wounds, pain — in their coworkers, it is an issue that must be addressed.?

Start with Awareness: Abrasive Leader Diagnostic?

Addressing the elephant in the room starts with awareness of the problem — yet how do you determine if there is unacceptable conduct going on? For our own analysis, we built a unique tool called the Abrasive Leader Diagnostic?, designed to identify the nature and scope of abrasive conduct. A short questionnaire provides an instant report with results and next-step recommendations.?

We offer it online, confidential (no personal info captured), and free, in order to empower HR, management and ombuds like you to diagnose the situation yourself and get a 360 view of what’s going on. It has helped me on numerous projects to gain clarity on the interpersonal situation.?

Once you have the diagnosis, swift intervention is important. This involves setting limits and consequences for continued abrasive behavior, while at the same time giving the abrasive leader an opportunity to improve their management style. To intervene effectively, you will need to present your concerns to the individual and be prepared to respond to their probable defensive reactions calmly and confidently.?

There is a clear path and a proven methodology to shift abrasive behavior, retain the employee, and improve the dynamic in the team and organization. A specialist certified in Boss Whispering? coaching can work with you on strategies to encourage the leader to receive help, work with the leaders in the organization who may be reluctant to intervene (See roadblock #1…), work with the team to help them through the process of change, and help the abrasive leader develop the insight and motivation to shift their abrasive styles to more productive management strategies.