What To Do Right When Everything Else is Going Wrong

I’ve had a challenging year — in work, life, family and other relationships. I’m not saying I’m unique — adulting is HARD! But I got through the menagerie. (Part of me is ready to say sayonara! to this year, although I know I shouldn’t be wishing my life away…)

But, this post is not about time. It’s about energy. As in, what I did during the BAD, dark, icky times of this year to get me over to the other side, which I’m happy to report is in a very, very good place.

Will it work for you? I have no idea. But these are the strategies I employed when times were tough and wanted to share, because I’m certain I’m not the only one out there who had a rough year.

When everything is going wrong in your life…

1. Throw a pity party — Yaassss, kings and queens. I’m giving you (and I gave myself) time for a pity party. I whined in my head at least for a full day (or week) this spring when everything felt like it was a big steaming pile of dung. BUT — I also gave myself a time limit on my pity party for one. Like any good party, it has to be over at some point. It’s okay to feel bad, and you can give yourself permission to do so. It becomes a problem, however, when you don’t snap out of it and move on. So, I felt sorry for myself for a few, but then…I needed to move on. PARTY AT THE PITY HOUSE, THEN GO HOME!
2. Quit. Take a break. Walk away. Remove yourself from the stressful situation. Get lost in a book, a movie, and just zone out for a few. Go away. Take a mental health day. The more distance, the better. I found it helpful to detach from time to time, so I could look at the situation a little more objectively. One of my friends going through a rough time started talking about herself in third person. I think this is actually a healthy way to get out of the weeds. Women (especially women) are their own worst enemies sometimes. Women wouldn’t treat their friends crappily — so why hold your own opinion of yourself lower than others? This leads me to my next point…
3. Commit to self care. If you can’t take care of yourself, you’re going to be worthless to everyone else in your life. I say that, because you are responsible for Y-O-U first. It’s not selfish to take care of yourself. You’re doing everyone a favor by making sure you’re okay — including yourself. So, if you need to drop what you’re doing to make sure your needs are being met first — do it. It’s like the airplane mask — put yours on first before you assist anyone else.
4. Get quiet. This is really, really hard to do when you’re stressed out, because we panic, the lizard brain comes out, and all we do is deal with the stress hormones circulating in our bodies for sheer survival. But that’s a primitive response. We have to get beyond the neurotransmitter hijacking and get quiet. That way we can listen to the inner voice that’s basically going to show us the way out. The answers are always within us. While you’re quiet, also re-introduce yourself to you. What if all this guano was NOT in front of you? What if you could have everything you ever wanted? You have the potential to, you next need to….
5. Write down what you want. Take a fantasy stroll through the parade of ideas you wanted to try as a kid. Do you write down your goals? Crack those back open and take a look at them. Take 1 hour and forget your student loans and bills piling up. Maybe your fantasy life is right around the corner for you, you just have to go through hell before that thing that you REALLY want can manifest. If you don’t write down what you want, grab a piece of paper and a pencil and WRITE. IT. DOWN. NOW. The universe has a funny way of fetching for you what you manifest. But, you must write it down.
6. Control what you can. That would be yourself. Don’t watch the news (it’s depressing and it’s just going to take you through a longer pity party.) Don’t get wrapped up in the negative in the universe (there’s PLENTY of that these days.) Focus on yourself and controlling what you can control — which again starts with 3 tiny letters: y, o and u. You can control your attitude. You can be positive. I counted my blessings. You can view the world as full of problems, or opportunities. YOU get to choose your own adventure.
7. Put on your big boy and girl pants. Tough love time: just as the only thing you can control is yourself, you also need to take accountability for yourself too. Example: I was in a situation this year where I was giving someone else a deadline on something, until I realized — the only one I can really give a deadline to is me, myself and I. So, I put on my big girl pants and made a decision instead of waiting on the other party. Voila. No more waiting and wondering. Stop handing away your power and control to others, and/or asking for permission. Own that mess that fell in your lap and don’t wait for someone else to solve your problems. NO ONE IS COMING TO RESCUE YOU!
8. Go back to your strengths. When all else fails, return to your strengths. Who are you? Take an inventory of the last 3 projects or gigs you worked on that you loved — (and don’t even think about how much or how little you were paid to do them). Write down the actions that you took in each of them to achieve the big hairy goals. If you do that across 3 projects, what words keep popping out? What actions keep on repeating? That’s the stuff that YOU should do NEXT. Is that stuff in your goals? If you’re not sure, go back to step #5 above.
9. Ask for help. However, before I do this, I make sure that I get crystal clear on what I want to happen next. You can’t just panic, then spam the world begging for help. What kind of help do you need? Get specific. Get clear. It’s not, “I need a job!” It’s “I need a job blending my top 3 skills of X, Y and Z in the following 3 industries: A, B and C.” (And attaching your polished resume.) Otherwise, you’re just throwing sh*t to the wall and seeing what sticks, and that’s a terrible way to get out of the muck — you just end up with more muck all over the place! If you have a plan and THEN reach out and be specific about what you need, your friends and connections can understand clearly what you need and they can help you.

I’m happy to say that I think I’m ending the year in a good place. I’m solid now. But that didn’t happen until I did a lot of work on myself, and each and every day, I’m still a work in progress.

Suck it up. Own the mess. Be honest with yourself, and take care of yourself. Throw a pity party, but leave. Do the hard work, and maybe, with a little luck — you’ll end up on the other side in a much better place too.

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Erin L. Albert is a writer, inter alia. Opinions here are her own.