What To Do If He (or She) Has Left

I've been talking to a lot of people whose families have been split because their spouse has created some kind of false narrative for how their marriage turned out or felt like they missed out on something in life. They are extremely confused and no amount of discussion, pleading, or bartering is going to help them.

The work they need is INTERNAL.

• They may think they are unhappy with their marriage
• They may think they are unhappy because of their career
• They may think they are unhappy because their children don't love or need them any longer
• They may think they are unhappy because they aren't special, or brilliant
• They may think they are unhappy because life didn't work out the way they had planned
• They may think it's TERRIBLE to not be young anymore

They may think any or all of those things.... or something else entirely.

But they are just unhappy. And desperately tired of being so – all too willing to throw out every good thing they have in an attempt to find an even better way to be happier.

It's only by hard lessons, gaining coping skills, and making personal changes that they can be happier. But they haven’t figured that out yet - It takes work. It takes time. It takes help.

Your spouse is no longer reasonable or rational about their actions right now, so it’s impossible to expect anything sensible or logical of them. It’s like an alien has taken over their mind & body. They will do and say things you never, ever thought they were capable of – and how you respond will either break you, or make you stronger than ever before.

Culture calls it a midlife crisis, but there are varying levels of this, "crisis." In almost every case, it stems from some degree of unaddressed childhood trauma or abuse that has limited their emotional development.

Understand that this behavior is all about them and their sense of self, identity and/or fulfillment. There is a massive conflict going on internally. But please believe me when I say You did not break them and you cannot fix them.

If you or someone you know is dealing with a loved one like this, I’m sorry you’re going through this. It sucks. It’s hard. And few people will understand what you’re going through.

If you are thinking that someday they will realize their error and want to return home to be a family again, it's going to take a LOT of self control to wait it out – and there's no guarantees that they will come back – but if you can stand anywhere from two to seven years of not knowing. It all depends on the depth of childhood trauma your spouse has experienced.

So... If you are committed and patient enough to see it through, batten down the hatches and get ready for the hardest battle of your life.

Bare in mind – This is YOUR journey as much as it is your spouses.

******** PLEASE - Start seeing a therapist/psychologist ASAP ********

I cannot stress enough how much this will make a difference. I had to fall into deep depression, strain or break close relationships, and lost a number of jobs before I woke to realize what I had been doing to myself. I thank my maker that the doctors in Tennessee took notice and encouraged me to start taking mood stabilizers and sleep aids to clear up my thinking and get proper rest.

With that said, here are some habits and tips I’ve learned in the hardest of ways. To keep your self esteem & sanity intact, get good at incorporating the following patterns into your life as fast as you can:

1. Don’t pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore
2. No frequent phone calls
3. Don’t point out “the good times” in the marriage/relationship
4. Don’t follow her/him around the house. For that matter, stop following them on social media. Just block them, their friends, and their family members who will inevitably be turned against you by your now delusional spouse
5. Don’t encourage or initiate discussions about the future
6. Don’t ask for help from the family members of your wayward partner
7. Don’t ask for reassurances
8. Don’t buy or give gifts
9. Don’t schedule ‘dates’ together. No coffee talks, movies, dinners... nothing
10. Don’t keep saying, “I Love You!” Because if you really think about it, he/she is, at this particular moment, not very lovable
11. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent
13. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do new things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new hobbies! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don’t pry, spy, or push any issue, no matter how much you want to!
15. If you’re in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested
16. Act as if you believe your spouses, “truth” about the failure of your marriage. Thus, you are moving on with your life…without them!
17. Don’t be nasty, angry or even cold – Just pull yourself back. Don’t always be so available…for anything! Your spouse will notice. More importantly, he/she will notice that you’re missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around, not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that you know your value
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to argue or lose your temper (it only makes their feelings stronger). No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control. YOURSELF! Refuse to argue at all!
21. Don’t be overly enthusiastic
22. Be patient and hear what your spouse is saying! Listen and then listen some more!
23. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything
24. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil
25. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly
26. Know that if you can do most of these suggestions, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you say or write
27. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting and actually feeling totally desperate and needy
28. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It’s not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don’t care
29. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. They are hurting and afraid. Try to remember that deep down they probably know what they are doing is wrong and they will say anything they can to justify their behavior
30. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It “ain’t over till it’s over!”
31. Do not slide back from your hard-earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message
32. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person.

If you can master this level of self-control, I promise you... It will save your sanity and your soul! You will have regained and repaired your self worth, which will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. It’s an amazing feeling when you finally realize you are NOT afraid to move on with your life.

By following this advice, you will have burst the positive, albeit delusional, little bubble of your spouse’s, “new life.” The confusion, self doubt, and deep reflection will force your spouse to dig deep for why they have done what they have done.

Once the realization that all is lost, and the family is moving on without them, they will either awaken or run.

Should they repent and ask for forgiveness, deal with that conversation when it happens, and seek therapy for both of you to reconcile the past and start over.

It is however possible, even probable that their shame and guilt will prevent them from coming back, or ever waking up.

In either case, you will have become a better, healthier and happier version of yourself. You will have learned to appreciate making yourself content, and not base your happiness on another person.

In this light, no matter what happens you will have won your part of the battle.

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I wish you the best and brightest future.

Marcus