What to do in between sexy times…
Emma K. Viglucci, Relationship Therapist (She/Her)
Founder of MetroRelationship.com
Often I hear that it feels like all the stars need to line up for partners to be able to get to a physically intimate moment… There are many factors that impact our libido, our desire , and our ability to have a passionate relationship with our partner. Most believe it is impossible to have an epic love affair with our partner. They believe in mature love and settling down into comfortable love.
This is one of the reasons partners cheat- they still seek that passion… And where are they supposed to get it if they don’t think they can get it with their partner? But they can, you see! The secret is in what to do in between sexy times…
We already covered:
Having passion in your relationship is not about having passionate sex with your partner once in a blue moon, if your love making even gets that hot.
Having passion in your relationship is about having an epic love affair with your partner that is more than sex… It’s about being enthralled by your partner, it’s about getting the butterflies in your belly when they are near or when you think about them, it’s about wanting to be near them and touch them, and about wanting to please them and take care of them (not in a caretaking, codependent way , mind you).?
And yes, having passion in your relationship is about wanting to be with them, to join with them, to derive pleasure from them and through them, to transcend and become one…
If this feels like a pipe dream because of what you believe about relationships and because of the current state of your relationship, don’t fret- please know it is possible, initially you just have to go on faith…
So how do we go from struggle to epic love affair when it might feel like an impossible trek?
1 ~~ First off, it takes commitment to stick with it through thick and thin, assuming you are within the range of a workable relationship, which most are! This is not a popular concept nowadays when relationships are disposable.
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There are some exceptions that are contraindicated for staying in the toxic context. And of course, it is always your prerogative to not want to continue in your relationship, but don’t blame it on it not being workable... It’s OK for the relationship to have run its course for you. We are all in a Journey, and that includes the relationships we play with…
2 ~~ Then, it takes the right kind of investment in your relationship where you stop blaming your partner for everything that’s wrong and making yourself a saint. You are not. You contribute to your dynamics and cocreate whatever nonsense you might have going on. Sorry, don’t shoot the messenger.
I have seen time and again that when partners fully embrace owning their side of it, not from a martyr position but truly owning their side, that they create marvelous relationships. I have seen as well when partners struggle with this how detrimental it is for the relationship.
Don’t wait for your partner to own themselves first, or to respond in kind… It doesn’t matter what your partner is doing (within reason of course!) to fully own and work your side. Stop trying to prove how they are not doing their own work. All this is just keeping you stuck. Focus on your side, full stop.
I’ll even take this a step further and let you in on a little secret. Even if your partner doesn’t do anything, your work in and of itself is powerful enough to shift and transform your relationship… Just saying…
3 ~~ And finally, once your relationship is on more solid footing and becoming a radiant and successful relationship, then you are ready to step it up a notch in creating a more passionate relationship.
This has to do with playing more specifically with the Desire side of the Love-Desire Spectrum? , without foregoing the Love side... And it has to do with embracing Alluring Habits?. Behaviors and activities in your relationship that are sexy, erotic, inviting, enticing, seductive…??
When you focus on Desire, more desire is easier to come by and available for play…
A radiant, successful relationship and meaningful life, and epic love affair with our partner, doesn’t just happen! We have to want this and invest in creating it.
Watch the video for what to do in between sexy times… and complete the Application exercise ON THE BLOG .
Download the Relationship Verbs List and allow the new to emerge!
Enjoy!