What to Do with All These Emotions Showing Up at Work

In a recent coaching session, I was asked, “This younger generation seems to bring all their emotions to work with them. I’m Gen X and this is not the norm for me. How am I supposed to handle all these emotions?” We had a great discussion and I want to share the highlights here if you too aren’t sure what to do when folks come to you with emotions high.

I’ve done previous articles on emotions, but I’ve also continued to grow and learn about how they work. So, today I want to approach the topic in perhaps a different way than I have in the past. But don’t be surprised if you’ve heard some of these thoughts before.

To start us off, I want to dig into the notion of professionalism and emotions. I’d say most folks, especially from older generations, would say that expressing strong emotions at work is “unprofessional.” And I would agree that if you have someone who repeatedly has tantrums or breaks down at work because of these emotions, that is problematic. But I think more often than not, we deem them unprofessional because they make us uncomfortable. And that discomfort often comes from the fact that oh so many of us don’t know much about emotions or how to process them in a healthy way. I mean, if Chris comes in and asks us a question about how to do a report, you can easily and COMFORTABLY answer their question. But if Chris comes in and is upset about the report in some way, that’s WAY more challenging to navigate.

I mention this idea of professionalism because it feeds into the stories – aka beliefs – we have about our role in this situation. If you believe that emotions don’t belong in the workplace other happy ones or thoroughly fleshed out ones that are neatly tied up with a supporting PowerPoint presentation, you’re going to immediately default to thinking, “Chris is not being professional. They need to stop interrupting me, get themselves together, and get back to work.” And when that’s your story, your priority shifts to getting Chris the BLEEP out of your office as quickly as possible.

Now, you may feel empathy for Chris and even feel like you’re listening to their concerns. But on some level, you’re just focusing on making this stop. And how do you make it stop? Well, there are many ways – some healthy and adaptive and others not so much. So, let’s dig into emotions and what to do when they pop up at work.

I think I’ve said this in previous articles, but no matter how rational you may think you are AND how much you don’t like dealing with emotions, emotions guide almost all your decisions. Neuroscientist, Antonio Damasio, first discovered this when looking at patients who had brain damage in the emotional center of the brain. He saw these folks struggle to make even the most basic decisions, like what to have for dinner. Because they couldn’t feel, they couldn’t decide.

Let’s break this down, so we can really understand what this means. I like Fords, but not Chevys. Now this isn’t a truck thing. It’s not even something that frequently comes up in my life. My parents did have one or two Ford vehicles, but they had other things too, just not a Chevy. My car is 24 years old thanks low mileage from living on campus, and when I think about what I might like next there is zero chance of me getting a Chevy. When I think about Ford products, I FEEL good about it, like that’s a viable option. But even if I just think, “Maybe I should look at what Chevy has….,” I immediately shut it down. I’m like “ugh, Chevy’s suck.”

Why do I hate Chevy so much? Beats me. There is 100% no rational reason for this. I don’t know much about cars in general, so it’s certainly not backed by any data. And honestly, even knowing that my dislike of Chevy’s is completely arbitrary if I ask myself that question again, I STILL do not want a Chevy. Simply put, Fords FEEL good to me and Chevys FEEL bad.

So, what’s my deal? Well, in my formative years my brain simply categorized things that way based on my limited experiences, including things like the commercials I saw, comments people made, etc., none of which I actively remember. And now, it colors my feelings about the issue and thus my decisions around it. In other words, I have a STORY around Fords and Chevys that impacts how I FEEL about them and thus, my potential decisions around them. ?

We’ve talked about stories in past articles, including how we should identify the ones that aren’t serving us and upgrade them. Now this story doesn’t really get in my way, so I have no vested interest in spending the time and energy to challenge it. I mean if someone comes and offers me a free Chevy, sure. But otherwise, I can get a Ford or one from another company I don’t have such strong feelings about. And again, I’m just walking you through this to illustrate how emotions come into decision making.

Take a minute to think about something in your life that you feel strongly about, but if you’re honest, you don’t really know WHY it seems so important or FEELS so true. Maybe it’s around something as mundane as the types of food you prefer or your favorite color. Maybe it’s related to something at work, like how students or your staff should behave. We are filled with these stories and thus feelings about everything around us and don’t even realize it. And yet those emotions impact your decisions and your actions.

Think about your favorite color. Objectively, what criteria should one use to select a favorite color? I mean unless you’re trying to scientifically select one that has certain properties, there really isn’t any. We like blue or green or Chevy’s or Fords because they make us FEEL a certain way.

Our emotions are behind our decision to select yellow as our favorite color and our decision to have a sandwich for lunch instead of a salad. And if they’re in play for those things, they’re absolutely going to show up at work. I mean how do you decide what project to work on next? Maybe you use a pro and con list, but even doing that makes you FEEL a certain way. And what of the results of your pro/con list? If there are five things on the pro list and three on the con list, you do the math and FEEL satisfied/happy/relieved/whatever that the pros have it. But what if it’s an even split? What if it’s a three-to-three pro to con situation? How do you decide then? That’s right, it’s still based on how you FEEL about the options.

Emotions are the fuel that propels you into action. Some folks describe this by saying emotion stands for “energy in motion” or “e-motion.” In a nutshell, it’s our emotions that push us one way vs another, and yes you can have conflicting emotions around ?smothing that keep you stuck. Emotions are simply tools to help guide us in what comes next. They alert us that, “hey, something’s going on here we need to pay attention to.” Just like with our Talents, our emotions can be positive and tell us, “Yes, this was awesome! We need more of this.” Or they can be negative and alert us to a potential issue we need to resolve. But the emotions themselves aren’t the message, it’s what’s behind it. You don’t follow the emotion. You use it to understand what you need to do next to resolve the issue.

Here’s an example of one I recently encountered. My dog is older and has some health issues, including kidney disease. I was scrolling on Facebook and someone in my pet group mentioned their dog was in Stage 3 kidney disease and was having all these issues. Well, my dog was recently diagnosed as being in Stage 3, but she shows no outer symptoms. I could feel myself get anxious and go into fight-or-flight. Rationally, I told myself, “That is not my dog. You have no idea what other issues that dog has that’s impacting her. My dog just went for a walk with me this morning and is doing great considering her age and diagnoses.” Rationally, I knew that but just saying that to get the feeling to go away would be ignoring my emotions. And ignoring your feelings actually causes more problems, even though in the moment it seems to make you FEEL better. My brain was actually trying to help me avoid the same fate as this dog in the post. It was saying, “Hey, what else can we do to keep Sweet Dee healthy. Wasn’t there something else you were going to do for her?”

And there was. When I got the Stage 3 diagnosis, I researched nutritionists who did one-on-one consultations. I knew who I wanted to work with, but I’d also started her on some supplements to help support her kidneys. While all of this was going on, my parent’s car completely died. Since I live with them, it became stressful because everyone had to share my vehicle. All that stress put my plans to contact the nutritionist on the backburner. So, my anxiety and fear that popped up from the post, was my brain reminding me that there were other things I could do to support my dog’s health. Once I thanked my brain and worked through what the actual message was, I could do what I needed to do and let that emotion go. I booked that appointment the next day.

When you’re dealing with intense emotions at work – and this is true for yourself, your team, and your students – the same formula is in play. Something triggers that emotion, but it’s not the emotion itself that is important. It’s the underlying message. Say you’re in a meeting and one of your staff members questions a decision that you or the institution made. You might feel defensive or embarrassed or angry. When that happens, it’s easy to follow the emotion and direct your anger toward that person or start apologizing profusely. This process will be reinforced with any stories you have about the supervisor/ employee relationship or your abilities as a supervisor. Like maybe you think employees shouldn’t question superiors at all or in front of others.

But we’re often so busy following our emotions or trying to shove them down, that we don’t ask what the underlying message is. If this situation made you feel defensive, ask yourself why? Is it because you knew it wouldn’t work, but didn’t voice your opinion in the meeting where it was decided? Or maybe you don’t feel confident in your role as a supervisor, so you interpreted questioning the decision as questioning your leadership abilities. Either way, this gives you information about what you can do next to prevent it from happening in the future. Maybe your brain is saying, “I think it’s time we learn to be more assertive so we can be more comfortable expressing our opinions to administration.” Or maybe your brain helping you realize, “I don’t really feel confident in my supervisor role. I need to develop my knowledge and skills around supervising, so I better understand my role.”

Those negative emotions can feel very heavy and unpleasant. But according to neurologist, Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor, emotions themselves only last 90 seconds. During that time, the body goes through a chemical process to alert you to your brain’s interpretation of a situation. In other words, you have a thought, and your brain kicks out whatever hormones are responsible for feeling that way. After they rush through your body, they should dissipate. They’ve alerted you to the situation, so technically their job is done. But we often feel like emotions last longer than that because they can trigger our stories and past emotions. That’s when we often get stuck ruminating on those past experiences and the emotions that went with them. In other other words, what we think is our emotional response to the thing happening RIGHT NOW, is really our reaction to things that happened in the past.

So, instead of trying to push your emotions away or getting swept away by them, practice sitting with those emotions for 90 seconds. Then thank your brain for trying to help you. After that, shift your focus to find the root of that feeling. Why did you feel mad, sad, anxious, defensive, etc.? It might be what’s happening now, but is your reaction proportional to the actual situation or is it so strong because it’s connected to stories and past experiences? It’s important to know. ?

Let’s go back to my example of you getting angry because someone questioned a decision you made. It might very well be tempting to say the root cause is because Frank was being unprofessional in a staff meeting. Even if you’re right and Frank was being a BLEEP, the real question is what do YOU need to do differently to prevent this from happening again? Maybe it’s that you need to have a conversation with Frank about his overall performance. Or maybe you need to set clear expectations with your whole team. It could even be a message that you’re so stressed you can’t properly regulate your emotions and you need a break. Whatever the underlying cause is, the feeling is letting you know something important about the situation.

Often, our stories and feelings about things are driven by our Talent Themes. I have Ideation as my #1, so when I have an idea, I usually get super psyched about it and want to immediately drop what I’m doing to start on it. And as with all Talent Themes, this can be incredibly valuable if it’s helping me get things done. But if I’m trying to finish a project, it can show up as a weakness for me. In the moment, my emotions can take over and try to push me to drop what I’m doing to work on that new project. But if I can reflect and say, “Ah this is Ideation getting excited about ____,” I can lean into my other talents to redirect that energy – aka emotions – into something that better suits my needs at the time.

I want to specifically talk about the Talent Theme Empathy here. Empathy is all about connection to feelings – yours and the folks around you. We often hear from people with Empathy that they can get overwhelmed by all the emotions around them. It can be really easy for people with Empathy to not just feel how others are feeling, but also take that feeling and the associated situation on themselves. So, when someone comes in and is upset about their roommate or failing a class, a person with Empathy might psychologically take on that problem as their own. My sister is a trauma therapist who has Empathy, and early on in her career this would happen to her. It can leave you feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

But since you now have a better understanding of the function of emotions, you can see why this doesn’t work. If I have Empathy and I take on your emotion of anxiousness or sadness, then suddenly I’m anxious or sad but with no feasible way to get to the underlying message of that emotion because I don’t have the context of your past experiences. You can help coach that person to uncover the root of THEIR emotion, so they can work through it. That would be helpful. But simply being anxious with someone else is a complete waste of your energy. It literally helps no one and harms you.

This is why understanding and developing your own Talent Themes is so important. Again, our stories and feelings are often attached to our Strengths and impact how they show up. If we aren’t aware of what they’re doing and how they’re making us feel, we can get swept away by them and they’ll impact our decisions in less-than-optimal ways. When you take the time to understand your Talent Themes and help your team understand theirs, you can develop the right knowledge and skills to keep them operating as Strengths instead of weaknesses.

For example, folks with Empathy often have issues with setting healthy boundaries. That’s why it’s so easy for them to take on other’s emotions and problems. And if you have Empathy, start paying attention to your emotions and the messages they’re giving you. They might be saying, “This is too much. I’m exhausted and can’t handle this anymore.” Then take the energy those emotions are giving you – again that concept of “energy in motion/e-motion” – and use it to learn how to create and hold healthy boundaries. That’s the best use of that energy.

If you’re dealing with folks on your team who are having strong feelings about something, acknowledge those feelings. “I can see you’re really upset/angry/frustrated by this situation.” That’s the first step. The next step is helping that individual reflect on why they’re feeling that way and what they, or possibly you, can do to resolve the issue. And I’ll just add here that sometimes the why can be tricky. Take folks working in DEI spaces. That’s become fraught with political nonsense that can prevent people from doing what they were originally hired to do. It’s natural that people will have some strong emotions around it. But just dwelling on those emotions isn’t helpful. Yes, you should feel angry. Let’s acknowledge that. But it’s the next steps that are what matter. And with something like diversity in this political landscape, you can’t always decide to do the thing that would actually fix it. But that also doesn’t mean there’s not something you can do to make it better. ?

And your job is not to be a therapist here, but to help them understand as Alicia likes to say, “Your feelings are real, but they aren’t reality.” The anger or frustration isn’t the thing that needs to be “fixed.” Again, if they’re true emotions, those should be gone in 90 seconds. The work that needs to be done is unpacking what that anger or frustration represents.

Back to my example about someone questioning you about a decision in a meeting, but instead of looking at your reaction, let’s look at what was behind Frank’s question/questioning. Maybe Frank questioned the decision because he’s angry that no one ever asks the folks on the ground for their input before these decisions are made. That anger is a warning that there are problems with the work culture. So, if you call out Frank and tell him such comments are not appropriate without getting to the root of the issue, you haven’t solved anything. You’ve just reinforced the problem which is that people on upper levels ignore the concerns of folks on the ground.

All that being said, sometimes folks can get caught in what is known as emotional flooding. Emotional flooding happens when you experience one or multiple emotions so intensely that your brain goes into shutdown mode. When that happens you or the person that you’re talking to literally cannot process or participate in constructive communication. At this point, you or they are emotionally dysregulated. If that’s happening to you, the best thing you can do is to leave the situation (if possible) and decompress. If that’s happening to a team member, you again want to acknowledge their feelings, but there is no point in trying to discuss the situation. They aren’t going to be able to have a productive conversation. It’s better for both of you if you have them leave the situation/meeting and decompress first. You can absolutely call a time-out on your conversation and schedule a time to follow up once they’ve had an opportunity to decompress and get their thoughts together.

Phew, that was a lot about emotions. I’m going a bit longer than I anticipated, but I want to wrap this up for you. Most of us never learned about emotions – both what they are and what to do with them. That can make dealing with emotions feel uncomfortable, especially at work. In a nutshell, emotions are just biofeedback loops that help us identify when things are going well (happiness, satisfaction, and joy) and when there are potential problems in our environment (fear, frustration, anxiety, etc.). When we or one of the folks we work with has a strong emotion…

1.????? Acknowledge it and ride out those 90 seconds.

2.????? Then if it’s happening to you, thank your brain for the message. If it’s someone else, acknowledge their feelings and thank them for letting you know.

3.????? If you or the other individual seem to be emotionally dysregulated – aka experiencing emotional flooding – you need to allow yourself or your team member time to decompress so you can become emotionally regulated again.

4.????? Then start exploring what the root cause of this emotion was. In other words, what triggered your brain to react in the first place. Remember, your brain/their brain is just trying to protect you. It’s saying, “Hey! There’s something you need to do to prevent ___.”

5.????? Once you know or at least have a good idea about what the message was, figure out your action plan. What do you or your team members need to do next to prevent this from happening? What will fix the underlying problem?

Okay, that was a lot about emotions. Even though I’ve broken this down, it’s probably still going to feel weird addressing your or other folks’ emotions through this framework. Again, very few of us are properly taught about how to engage with our own emotions much less others, so this can be uncomfortable. Bu keep at it. I’ve been working on being more in touch with my emotions for several years now, and the example I gave about my dog just happened last weekend. It just takes time to get used to this. But if you do, you’ll not only feel more comfortable around emotions, but you’ll also be able to upgrade your life because emotions are actually the key to telling us what’s working and what needs to change. ??