what did you want to do?

This is the primary question I have asked myself for as long as I can remember without it being verbalized until years (even decades) later when it came to life’s serious questions. I didn’t find any sense in anything I did in younger years aside from riding skateboards & getting high on weekends. This took place for many years until I realized that it was time to really find out what this life, the entire world & creation was all about. This specifically meant that I had to dig deeper about my passions, self-interests & discover the value of work. This meant asking myself education options for careers that I could possibly excel in. I found the value of money still outweighed my personal interests (dumb wiring), yet I pursued various degree courses in university just so i can earn enough living when I came out without really realizing that my foundations were back to front & that I set aside inner drives, desires & passions just so I can earn enough living to set myself up financially for my future. Needless to say, that I didn’t complete any of the degrees I signed up to & that i was more interested in free time (& ditch lectures) just so I can have a few cigarettes & walk the malls nearby the university I attended. 

Burying your convictions & primary motivating factors is not an advisable practice. Just like the many victims of this great human tendency of bottling up our fears & negative emotions. Rest assured they will eventually spring up & come to the surface. They will affect your emotional & mental health when not addressed & ignoring these occurrences can damage your course of life & being eventually during later days. My dad had always advised me to face my challenges & troubles front on. I also found out that I will also be one of the culprits that would make life difficult for myself (& probably some of key others included) at some point. 

So, pointing out the evils I unconsciously developed in myself is the greatest thing I have done. & in doing so, it enabled me give heed to the perils others may face too due to what we cause ourselves that inherently lead to either a place of personal traumas & our highway to hell, or our own personal triumphs from the adversities we face whether we take on accountability for our lives or not.