What is this conversation about?

Our lives revolve around conversations.

?? Some are simple, fun, and inspiring.

?? Others are difficult but rewarding.

?? Some are draining and frustrating.

What makes the difference between a conversation that goes well (everyone feels good after, there's clarity,) or one that goes poorly (people feel worse, trust each other less, and reinforces confusion)?

Whether in work, friendship, or love, we generally want to have more good conversations than bad. This is especially true when the conversation is about something difficult or important.

But what makes the difference between the two?

It has very little to do with what the conversation is about and more to do with how they are communicating.

One of the biggest factors is how they approach the "what is this about?" stage in the conversation. This happens at the beginning and sets the tone.

The "what is this about" question as part of a conversation is a way to allow everyone participating to get on the same page.

?? What does everyone want from this and why is it important to them?

?? Whose needs are most important?

?? Is this a serious or lighthearted conversation?

?? Are we making a decision, solving a problem, or seeking understanding?

These are rarely questions asked openly but are negotiated subtly throughout the conversation with body language, tone, subtext, and context. It happens so naturally and frequently that you've probably never noticed it happening before. Nevertheless, at the beginning and throughout every conversation, these questions are being negotiated.

While it is subtle, it is foundational. If we don't take the time to establish this in a conversation, then it leads to disconnection. This could look like:

?? The conversation where one partner wants to feel understood and the other keeps offering practical solutions, creating space between the two.

?? The feeling when a salesperson is pushing a product without understanding who the buyer is and why they might want what they're offering.

?? The health expert who, despite giving their best medical advice, can't seem to get through to their patients to inspire the lasting behavioral change needed for their process to work.

What happens when it goes right?

When we're on the same page, magic happens. Science has shown that brains start to sync up and mirror each other in a good conversation.

It creates a sense of safety when everyone feels understood and respected. We think more creatively and can come up with ideas and solutions neither one of us would have had alone. When we're not, we dig in our heels and defend our current point of view.

This same idea can be applied to how we conduct our presentations, sales, and content.

Most experts miss the "what is this about" conversation and jump right into their solution. Whether it's on a sales call, a stage, or online we'll jump right into what we think is important before understanding our audience. It often feels good in the moment that it's happening, but does not get good results for anybody.

Though you have the best intentions, it creates the same effect as the couple with one partner offering practical solutions while the other wants to feel understood.

?? This looks like a talk that gets applause but no conversions.

?? It's a sales call that creates more objections than it resolves.

?? It's content that creates confusion instead of engagement.

We don't have the ability to have the "what this is about?" conversation with all the audiences, subscribers, and viewers. But it is happening every time we speak. It's just that the audience is asking these questions in their own head instead of aloud. It's up to us as experts who understand our clients to anticipate these questions and answer them when we're speaking.

For a health expert: Is a health condition just a lab reading?

Is it really a conversation about diets, exercise, and supplements?

Or is it about being able to watch your young daughter walk down the aisle in the future, still healthy and able?

For a marketing consultant: Is it a revenue problem?

Is it really just a "one funnel away" situation?

Or is it the leader clarifying and conveying their vision to their audience and team?

For a tax expert I've been working with, is the problem paying taxes?

Is it about knocking a few thousand off this year's return?

Or is it about channeling what you would be paying in taxes to assets that will create wealth, freedom, and impact?

For each one, there's a deeper quality of idea when we are clear on the "what this is about" question and take the time to meet your audience where they are.

If you can be present to how this conversation flows and meet your audience where they are in this conversation, it will transform how you speak and what you speak about.

This is what your audience needs to feel understood, to build trust, and to make decisions.

Understanding the "What is this about" question will help you have better conversations and results onstage and through your life. When you take the time to consider and answer this question for your clients, they will feel safer with you, remember more of what you have to teach, and begin to think more creatively.

This means:

?? You show up with more confidence and clarity in your message.

?? Clients start volunteering instead of objecting to your offers.

?? You're now finishing your talks early instead of late because you're clear on what you're talking about.

This is one of many simple frameworks that can bring a tremendous amount of confidence and clarity to your messaging at scale and in every conversation. You already have all the right answers, all you need to do is change how you share them to start getting the results you need.

This idea was inspired by reading Charles Duhigg's book "Supercommunicators " where he introduced the "What is this about" question. This book has been excellent so far and if you enjoyed this post I recommend you check it out.