What communities, and especially Men, need to learn from the French Rape Scandal

Warning - Distressing and Intimate Content

I was, and still am, shocked and appalled to read about the experiences of Giséle Pelicot. I feel sick, I feel disturbed, I feel angry - that a man could do such acts to a woman, let alone a woman he was supposed to have loved.

I believe it is important for me, as a leader within the sexuality space, and as a Man, to share my voice as to what we can learn from this outrage, and how can we help to prevent this from happening again.

Before I dive in, it is important to recognise that sexual abuse is a complex issue, and I recognise my own lack of education within this subject – I am a Community Leader – not a Clinical Psychologist.

In brief, Dominique Pelicot, 71, is accused, and pleads guilty to, drugging his wife of over 50 years, Gisèle Pelicot, 72, for a decade between 2011 and 2020, and unbeknownst to her whilst she was unconscious, raping her, and recruiting dozens of men to rape her, while photographing and videoing these events for his own pleasure. Police have identified 50 out of 83 men from these videos, and they also stand trial for rape.

*takes a breath*

It is easy to call Dominique Pelicot a Monster. And you would be hard-pressed to find someone who said he isn’t. His actions are sick and vile, showing a complete disregard to his wife’s health; mentally, emotionally and physically - after the story surfaced, Giséle Pelicot discovered that she had 4 sexually transmitted infections from her abuse. But this case isn’t just about him, this is also about the recruitment of 83 men to take part in these odious acts.

Are these men Monsters too? The case would be strong to say that they are. But my use of dehumanising language bypasses the scary, disturbing and uncomfortable truth, that all of these men are normal members of society. There’s a builder, a soldier, office workers, a journalist, a fireman and even a nurse. Some of these men have families and are in long term relationships. Before this case was revealed, would the people who knew them have called them Monsters? Probably not.

So, baring the scary and uncomfortable truth that normal men can perform monstrous acts, we need to delve into some complexities of sexual energy and behaviour, so that we, as Men, take responsibility for our actions; and we, as larger communities, take measures to support Men that could be vulnerable to committing these offences.

1. Men need to own that we have an Animal and a potential Monster inside us

“Who knows what animals lurk in the people close to us.” – Robert Harris – The Cicero Trilogy

Am I a killer? No. Do I have the potential to kill someone? Yes. If I was in a fight for my own life, or if people I love were in danger, I would hope the Animal inside me would step in and take appropriate measures to protect those involved. We have evolved as tribal beings. Slaughter, massacre, pain, and cruelty have been a part of the human experience since the being of time. And most of this violence has been committed by men. It’s a part of our DNA. Deep within us, we have the power to destroy.

As the role of Men has changed over the past 50 years, this power has been pushed into the shadows. Male power and dominance are intrinsically linked to misogyny and the Patriarchy. And rightly so, but if we disown this animalistic, tribal essence of manhood, where does this energy go? If it is part of the fabric of who we are, we can’t just pretend it’s not there, or else it will, and does, only show up in negative ways.

2. A lot of Men enjoy being in a dominant sexual role

Is a man wanting to be dominant, and have power and control of a woman misogynistic? In many aspects of society... Yes. What about in a sexual sense? In coercive, non-consensual situations... also Yes. But what about consensual? Is a female Dominatrix also misandrist?

The truth is more nuanced and complexed than simple Yes or No. Power play is a normal and important aspect of sexual interactions, and as alluded to regarding the Dominatrix, this isn’t gender dependent. Let’s face it, Power is sexy. Yet, the societal narrative, conversation and connotation around a dominant man is surrounded by much more negativity than the reverse. If you are not comfortable within the Kink scene, or are a part of the wider sex-positive community as a whole, male dominance is frowned upon.

Within these communities in particular, people, ‘generally’, are more aware, and able to communicate their desires and kinks more freely and easily. In these spaces, it is very common to see Men express their desire for Dominance in a healthy, accepted way. And on the reverse, it is also common to see women enjoy, and take pleasure from, being submissive to men.

(I also want to acknowledge that there are abusive people within these communities too).

Although the societal push and narrative is for the rise of a dominant feminine, the reality is that many - not all - women have a deep desire to surrender completely into the masculine. This could be reflected in the fact that over 150 million copies of 50 Shades of Grey have been sold worldwide. So, in a sexual sense, many men desire dominance, and many women desire to be submissive and to surrender, but how can men create safe, loving spaces for these desires to be met? (emphasis on the word safe)….

3. We need to educate Men about the Power of Sexual Energy

It is commonplace to say that sex - and love - is a drug. It is intoxicating. And yet we, as Men, are not educated as to how to become aware of the nuances of sexual energy and how to control it.

I believe this is where men are at their weakest. Dominique Pélicot, a perfect example, during his trial, when questioned, says he “acted on urges”. The grip of lust can be hot, passionate and can make you feel wild and free - energy rushes through your body, your hairs stand on end - you’re alive. But it can also be an enchanting temptress, luring the mind into craving and longing, ensnaring into licentious desire. Men can lose themselves within this allure and it can feel inescapable - a semi-conscious hypnotism.

For me, a relevant depiction of this feeling, is the scene in the Jungle Book when Mowgli is being enticed by the snake Kaa.?

To explain the effects of how this sexual energy can affect behaviour, I offer three examples:

1.

‘ I fucked her into next week’

‘ I fucked the life out of her’

‘ I fucked her pussy until she screamed’

Many of us, especially if you have been exposed to ′Lad Culture′ would have probably heard a phrase like this before (many of the videos on pornography sites would have similar titles too). Although these phrases would come from a place of bravado or for comical effect in conversation with friends, there is some truth as to the language of their experience.

I also speak from my own experience and conversations with other men, that, during sexual acts, there can be a momentary switch, in which a beautiful passionate, loving fuck, can turn into your cock becoming a battering ram; teeth clenched, wanting to fuck as hard as possible for your own enjoyment rather than the pleasure of the receiver. There is a moment, where love can disappear, and the energy of the interaction changes from loving, fierce presence to, aggressive pounding.

2.

I set up Come What May out of my own negative experiences within sex, in particular, a negative relationship to masturbation. Although the science behind masturbation and porn addiction is not definitive, it is clear that men can have compulsive behaviours related to masturbation. Interestingly, the etymology of Masturbation originates from Latin, translating to ‘defiling oneself with one’s hand’.

My experience is that I also could not control my ‘urges’. There wouldn’t be a day that went by without masturbating, usually on numerous occasions. I would use masturbation as a form of stress relief and emotional release.

And there were occasions, in the midst of self-pleasure - later admitting it was self-abuse - where I would go down the proverbial pornographic rabbit hole.

As you may know, to get the same amount of dopamine performing the same activity today, as yesterday, is difficult, so watching porn often meant that over time, in the grip of sexual urge, I would desire more extreme types of pornography. Rational thought is lost until the moment of ejaculation, and when this finale took place, there is instant shame.

When ‘hypnotised’ mind returns to a normal state, the dialogue within my mind usually went something like this… ′What the f*ck have I just watched?’, ′how did that turn me on ten seconds ago?’… ‘I’m repulsed’.

(I have a belief that a factor in the popularity of hardcore pornography, is that it taps into Men’s shadow aspects of desire, that may be shameful or unwanted, and as men are usually alone when consuming, they feel safe to enter these shadows without external judgement, yet ultimately, may not escape their own judgement).

3.

I’m sure you did not escape the stories about the Russell Brand sexual abuse scandal earlier this year. I’m not going to pass judgement as to the allegations that were made, however, I noted with interest and contemplation one part of the documentary in particular.

Some of Brand’s accusers stated that before the alleged events took place, they looked into his eyes and did not recognise him. He wasn’t there, it was ‘someone else’ looking back at them. There was a blankness, a void.

Whether you believe these people or not, it’s curious to note the similarities across their experiences. It isn’t the first time I have heard someone discuss an occasion where during heightened emotions, such as rage, or in sexual desire, they looked into the eyes of a man and did not recognise who they saw - they had lost themselves.

Some observations and questions that arise from this: - is this why, generally, men are avoidant of heightened emotions, as they lose themselves and do not believe they can control it? - are men more susceptible to darker energies, entities and even, possession?

So, reflecting on all of the above,

- Men have an Animal inside of them

- Men can enjoy and desire dominant sexual behaviour, and

- Men can struggle to control their sexual energy and urges

When these three are put together, it is clear how men can become sexual predators. This is not a justification, but a potential diagnosis. And add to this…

4. Men who were abused as a child are at a higher risk of perpetrating sexual abuse

Dominique Périlot reportedly told a psychologist that he was raped by a male nurse at the age of 9, after being admitted to hospital with a head injury. If these allegations are true, this would fall into the Cycle of Abuse. In a 2016 study, on more than 700 convicted sexual offenders, a main contributing factor that significantly predicted sexual deviance was childhood sexual abuse.

This is also not a justification of his horrific actions, but could shine a light on the conditions necessary to create a rapist, and how we can support communities.

The UK Office for National Statistics, in the year ending March 2019, report that the police recorded 73,260 sexual offences where there are data to identify the victim was a child. Around one-quarter (27%) of these were rape offences.

It is, of course, essential that we avoid stigmatising victims and predicting them as future abusers. However, it is important to be aware of this link, to intervene early, and to continually offer support services, such as treatment, therapy and support groups, in the short term AND, importantly, throughout their whole lives.

To conclude, the events in France have shaken the World and the men involved deserve to be treated with the full force of the law. For Dominque Pelicot to do what he did and “act on urges” is reprehensible. It is a weak excuse from a weak man.

We Men must learn from this. We need to become stronger. We need to become aware, and take responsibility of, our own actions, behaviours and shadows, especially when sexual desire is involved. We must take control. We must call each other out if we see/hear destructed language or behaviours and support those people in our communities who have been the victim of sexual abuse.

And how do we become stronger, more aware, and more responsible?

At Come What May, we believe the first step is talking; sitting in Circle and telling your story to start to unravel shame and destigmatise sexual topics.