What? No chat up lines?

What? No chat up lines?

If you follow my LinkedIn posts, you may have noticed a recurrent theme lately. I have been asking my new connections to marry me. 

Am I kidding? you may be wondering, but I can assure you that I am not. That really has been the first message I have sent to some of my new connections. And here’s why…

First dates

Imagine a first date with someone you like. There are lines that most people don’t want to cross. They don’t want to scare the other one away. How would you feel if your date asked you any of the following questions:

●     Would you ever consider having children with me?

●     Shall we go house hunting together?

●     Would you like to come to my place and meet my parents?

●     This is my son, Terry. He wants to know if you will be his daddy?

Now it has been a couple of decades since I have been on a first date, but I am fairly sure these are not the right things to say, even in this day and age! In fact, most people tread with care when it comes to asking for the date, let alone going on the date. 

“Will you go out with me?” is fine for primary school children, but as adults we need to be able to warm someone up before we ask the question.

Will you go out with me?

If we’re interested in someone, we need to show it, don’t we? We need to find out a little about them. If you just dive in there and ask them if they will come out with you, there are a variety of reason why they will probably give you a blank refusal. 

You know nothing about them. You have made no effort to build a rapport with them or get to know them. You do not have any signals whatsoever that they want to go out with you. How do you know…

●     If they are available?

●     If you are their type?

●     If they are looking?

●     If you even like them—beyond physical attraction?

When someone asks us the wrong question prematurely, subconsciously we have our doubts about them, don’t we? What are they really after? Is this in my best interests? They don’t even know me.

Baby steps

Friendships are formed in all kinds of ways—a shared experience, a common interest, an introduction, small talk at a taxi rank...it can be anything. And from that initial moment, the moment when two people make a decision that they are prepared to interact, perhaps with a smile and an introduction, they take baby steps towards something more. 

The initial spark may lead to a brief conversation while they share a journey, an exchange of telephone numbers, a business relationship, a friendship, or even a friendship that develops into an intimate relationship. It is one of the wonders of life. Anything can happen.

But the moment we jump the gun, by asking for too much too soon, we can easily destroy something beautiful before it has started.

So what do those baby steps look like? Well, here are some examples…

●      What did you think of that film?

●      How do you know Philip, then?

●      How long have you been painting?

And even…

●      How’s your day going?

The difference is clear, isn’t it? These questions are all about the other person. What is their perspective, what are their attitudes, and how do they feel?

“Will you marry me?” or “Will you go out with me?” are all about the person asking the question—their own desires, their wants, their needs, their intentions.

Common sense

But this is all common senseyou are probably thinking, and I agree. Of course, if this is new to you, take it on board and do let me know how you get on with your next date?

So if it is so obvious that we shouldn’t be going in for the kill so quickly in our romantic pursuits, why do so many people break all of these rules in their business relationships?

It started with Madison

A couple of days ago, I got a connection request on LinkedIn from someone called Madison. Having accepted her request, I woke to a 7am message from her, trying to sell me her mortgage services. What? We’ve not even chatted yet.I immediately thought to myself.

So I responded with a question of my own:

”Will you marry me?”

It didn’t end well. At 8.30am, I was dumped. 

Hmmm...interesting. 

It was okay for her to ask me to enter into a 20-, 25- or 30-year business contract with her but not okay for me ask if she’d be my one and only.

Another marriage proposal

It didn’t take long before someone else was asking me to enter into a deep and meaningful relationship built on my spending money with them. That one ended with the classic “Let’s connect and discuss how we can help you with our services. Best,” Get your coat and hat. You’ve pulled!

I gave slightly more explanation with my marriage proposal this time:

“Please don’t think I’m forward but would you like to marry me?

Of course you wouldn’t. But that’s how your message comes across”

That was yesterday.

And another...from Eliot

Last night, I received another connection request. There was no message, but that didn’t bother me because I could see the common interest. This person was a speaker and coach.

Within seconds of connecting, he popped the question: had I voted for him yet for the business award he had been nominated for? Seriously? I don’t even know the guy!I went with humour this time:

“Will you marry me, Eliot? Will you? Please. Pretty please...go on.”

So what IS the difference?

It seems so clear, doesn’t it. There is absolutely no difference between marching up to someone in a hotel lobby and asking them if they will marry you, and going into any kind of business network event—face-to-face or online—and asking someone if they will buy your product or service. No introduction, no hello, no how-are-you-doing, no small talk about the weather...no seduction process at all!

What started out as just an observation and a bit of fun has prompted me to consider the psychology behind the sell-first-chat-later approach to LinkedIn messages that some people adopt. Why do they think that is okay?

Why do people think it’s okay to pitch at first sight?

I have given this some thought, and it seems to me that there is a parallel between the pitch-first-chat-later approach and the “LinkedIn police” who constantly complain that “LinkedIn isn’t Facebook”.

Whichever platform you meet people, you still have to take the time to build relationships. They are both “networking” platforms. If I post an advertisement and someone responds to that, then I can expect them to come straight to the point. 

●     Do you have xyz available?

●     How much do you charge?

●     When can you deliver?

That’s all well and good. 

But just as so many people say that LinkedIn is not a dating site, it is not a classifieds site either or a job site. It is a business networking site which gives us all the opportunity to build business relationships.

Let’s take the time to build those relationships. Take the time to get to know each other. Once the rapport, mutual respect and trust is established, then we can offer marriage proposals.