What can be learned from unconditional acceptance?

Article by Joy Reichart, Integral Coach and former Communications Director at New Ventures West.

As someone who has prioritized growth and development for decades, I have found myself in more than a few groups dedicated to change and healing—before, since, and very much during the Professional Coaching Course.?

During my communications role at NVW, I had spoken and written countless times about how important the community of practice is in the work we do.?

It was only recently, however, that I fully came to understand with my whole being what is behind the transformative power of groups like this.

What they all have in common – all these places where I’ve experienced so much growth, discovery, joy, despair, pain, bliss – is that they are places of unconditional love and acceptance.

In fact, without that, none of the Very Important Work that I’ve so doggedly pursued would have happened or even been possible.?

Unconditional acceptance is the foundation of any group on a journey of growth.

It has to be.

Of course, development isn’t solitary work

There are the more obvious reasons why it is difficult, if not impossible, to grow on our own. Shared experience is an essential element of development.?

We need mirrors; we need folks to point out what we aren't seeing.?

We need to know there are others around us who can relate to what is happening.?

Having the chance to support our peers gives us a stronger sense of fulfillment and purpose in our shared pursuit. We meet people who perhaps wouldn’t otherwise come into our orbit.

Expanding our understanding of the world and the people who live in it, giving us glimpses into the infinite ways a life can be lived, deepening our empathy and humility... and so forth.

All of this is wonderful. It is necessary.?

These truths have kept me on more than one journey when the work of it has felt impossible.?

And it is on this point that, aided by a marvelous therapist, I came to understand something important - for all these years, I’ve been holding the framework as:?

“Here I am doing this work (in this class, in this dojo, in this sangha) to improve myself, and oh, how lucky that I have these incredible friends doing it with me.?The love I feel from this community is sublime, but it’s a byproduct of What I’m Actually Up To.”

The truth, it turns out, is precisely the opposite.

Love is kind of the point.

Despite what I believed or the reasons I gave for what I was up to (usually betterment of some kind), the love and acceptance is actually why I sought these groups out—and (another mind-blower) that is OK. It is a natural human proclivity to move toward these spaces. In fact, it can be a goal.?

We can pursue unconditional love and acceptance for its own sake.?

It is no wonder that my antenna has always been up for such places and, when I’ve found them, I’ve stayed close.?

Yes, for years it has been under the auspices of fixing or improving or developing myself. And indeed that has happened, though not alongside the love and acceptance, but because of it.

Supportive? Yes. Coddling? No.

When I say 'unconditional love and acceptance,' of course, I’m not talking about a circle of beatific, carefree people holding hands, swaying and chanting that all is well, and forgiving terrible transgressions. Nor is it about being exclusively praised or coddled or given infinite affordances.

A container of unconditional acceptance is one that makes no bones about the challenging journey you’re on.?

That says, “You are likely going to fumble, backslide, get scared, feel vulnerable, make mistakes, act out. You may fight the process or even want to quit.?

You’ll get uncomfortable and might project that onto your leaders and peers in all sorts of ways.?

And in all this, we love you, we see you, and we are not going anywhere.”

Ahhhh. AHHHH!?

What a beautiful, settling concept.?

It is also one that can freak us the heck out.?

For many of us, after a lifetime of acting the ways our family or culture told us we must in order to be accepted, we’re suddenly invited to disarm, show up raw, and find out the truth about ourselves.?

There could be—and often is—relief at this possibility. There can also quite understandably be fear, suspicion, anger, shame.

One of my core issues has been a sense of unworthiness that had me regularly ‘testing’ many a guide and companion.?

“You don’t really want me here, do you? This has all been a terrible mistake, hasn’t it?”

Looking back, I bow to the grace with which my very skilled teachers and peers have been with me in this—and still are.?

Holding up mirrors to that distortion until, finally, I could see that in fact I was—that I am—OK.

Spaces of true unconditionality give us room to be with these kinds of responses, feel them, and work with them from a more centered place of deeper capacity. What is that if not growth?

In other words, in an unconditional community, we have little else to do but encounter ourselves.?

And that—regardless of the shape of the path or the name of the work—is at the heart of development.

How has this happened for you? How do you do it for others?

If you have been through the Professional Coaching Course, maybe you can recall the responses you had to finding yourself in this unique container of unconditional love.?

Perhaps that response was the very thing that you spent your year working on, and you are a different person now because of it.

Whether it has been in the PCC or another developmental path, what themes have arisen for you in the vast, sometimes overwhelming freedom of unconditional acceptance?

The beautiful thing is that, once we’re on to this, we can begin to create these kinds of spaces for others—something sorely needed, especially now. More about this in the practice that follows.

For now, know that whenever you make the choice to take up a path of growth and deepening, in the PCC or elsewhere, you are likely entering a place where a very unfamiliar, very freeing, and very scary thing is happening.?

It takes courage to love and be loved this much. And it will change you forever.

About New Ventures West

From its humble beginnings to one of the top accredited coaching schools in the world, New Ventures West pioneered one of the deepest, most transformative forms of human development available for coaches, leaders, and anyone looking to bring people alive in possibility.?????