What can leaders learn from re-parenting?

As part of Foster Care fortnight, I wanted to share one of the lessons I’ve had over the past year as I believe there is transferability to organisational leadership.

A few months into my journey I was struggling and was advised to speak with a psychologist with expertise in trauma.

We talked through a few examples of where I was having difficulties and she reassured me that I had taken reasonable approaches, and if I were parenting a newborn child with a blank canvas, it’s likely that the techniques and strategies I was trying to use would have worked well.

However, as is the case for many children within the care system, they have through no fault of their own experienced trauma and it’s possible that the parenting they will have received will not have been adequate.?

The Psychologist introduced me to a concept called re-parenting, which was a revelation.

The concept behind re-parenting is rooted in the understanding that our early experiences and relationships, especially with our primary caregivers, significantly influence our emotional development and behaviour patterns which can even extend into adulthood. If these early experiences were characterized by neglect, abuse, or a lack of emotional support, they might result in the development of maladaptive behaviours, negative self-beliefs, or emotional difficulties. Re-parenting requires providing the emotional support, guidance, and nurturing that children might not have received in their childhood.

This can be a difficult process as the children might have deeply held views and beliefs that you will ultimately be challenging and seeking to adapt. Success will not happen overnight.

So where is the link to leadership?

Within my professional career, I recruit leaders, manage a team and also sit on boards. Many of the organisations may have currently, or recently experienced turnaround and transformation.

In many of these instances, the staff working within an organisation might have experienced, significant change, inadequate leadership and in some instances, workplace trauma. it is likely that there will also be several other factors that contribute to a unique and challenging context.

It’s unlikely that an off the shelf approach to leadership will work as part of the role could be seeking to rectify the unique deficits created from previous leaderships.

Re-parenting, or re-leading in this instance, as a concept can provide leaders with valuable insights into creating a supportive and nurturing environment that encourages growth and development within their teams.

Here are some transferable skills and principles that have helped me on my fostering journey that leaders can adopt:

Empathy and Understanding: Understanding and addressing the emotional needs of team members is a core element of re-parenting. Leaders can apply this by striving to understand the individual needs, motivations, and challenges of their team members, and then adjusting their leadership style accordingly.

Creating a Safe Environment: Re-parenting involves creating an environment that is safe, supportive, and nurturing. Leaders can adopt this by fostering an atmosphere where team members feel comfortable expressing their ideas and concerns without fear of judgment or retribution.

Encouragement and Positive Reinforcement: Re-parenting involves the use of positive reinforcement to help individuals develop healthy behaviours and self-beliefs. Similarly, leaders can use positive reinforcement to encourage productive behaviour and boost the confidence and self-esteem of their team members.

None of the above are likely to be a surprise to anyone and should feel very familiar.

The challenge is that you might be seeking to overcome views and beliefs that are deeply held, that might not always be positive. The children I am caring for were exceptionally quick to see if I was following guidance I was sharing and therefore none of the above would have worked without also considering the concepts below.?

Role Modelling Healthy Behaviours: Leaders can adopt this by demonstrating the behaviours and attitudes they wish to see in their team, such as maintaining a positive attitude, demonstrating resilience in the face of challenges, or managing conflicts in a constructive manner. One of the ways I have tried to do this is by building a culture of accountability rather than blame in my home. When things go wrong, we apologise and take ownership to amend the issue. Sometimes that might involve me saying that I was wrong or made a mistake and seeking a way to make amends. ?

Teaching Self-Care: Self-care is an essential part of re-parenting. Leaders can promote self-care within their teams by encouraging a healthy work-life balance, advocating for rest and encouraging the pursuit of self-fulfilling activities. However, for my two cents, role modelling these behaviours yourself will be just as important as any actions that you can take. Actively showing that I am pursuing my own self-fulfilling activities such as making time to go out for a run or to go to CrossFit shows that I am taking my own advice and value my own health and wellbeing which makes the children I care for value theirs.

Promoting Independence: There is a temptation when responding to difficulties to take on too many responsibilities (Hero Leadership) or micromanage. Both might have some short-term benefits but will not address systemic challenges and could create long term burnout and over dependence. Leaders instead need to promote independence by providing their team with the tools and resources they need to solve problems independently, while still offering guidance and support when needed.

Leadership skills can be learnt from all aspects of our lives, and I would be keen to hear about the some of the lessons you have learnt in leadership from outside of your professional careers, let me know in the comments!

I also recently blogged on my journey as a Foster Carer, which you can read about here: https://www.peridotpartners.co.uk/embracing-the-journey-thriving-as-a-foster-carer/