What Can I Do If I'm Running Out of Patience?

“When things go wrong, don’t go with them.” – Elvis Presley

“I work as a sales clerk in a big box store. We're really low on inventory because of supply chain issues. Our most popular items are out of stock and it can take months for delivery. Customers take their frustration out on me, and I’m tired of it. It’s tempting to fire back and let them know exactly how I feel.? Any suggestions?

?Sound familiar??

Are you in a situation where people are taking their frustration out on you, and you’re tempted to take your frustration out on them?

If so, this Native American parable can help you keep your cool in the heat of the moment. Next time someone’s unloading on you, remember its enduring wisdom and ask yourself. "Which wolf am I feeding?"

A grandfather was teaching his grandson about life:

“A fight is going on inside me. It is a terrible fight between two wolves.

One is evil – anger, envy, ego. The other is good – love, kindness, compassion.

The same fight is going on inside every person.’

The boy asked, ‘Which wolf will win?’

‘The grandfather answers, The one you feed.’”

When people are mistreating us, it can be tempting to feed the wolf of anger.?

In the short and long term, it is in our best interests to feed the wolf of empathy.

You may be thinking, "Easier said than done."

You're right, that's why I share this example of someone who shows why it's to our benefit to hold our tongue instead of saying what's on the tip of our tongue.

My 84 year old Aunt Kay drives to her local hospital five days a week to volunteer. During the most difficult days of Covid, she worked the front desk and was the point person dealing with frustrated families who could not get in to see their loved ones.

When I asked what it had been like working under those incredibly stressful conditions, she said it took everything she had to stay calm and do her best to be helpful. She told me,

"Our policy was either 'No visitors' for some of our sickest patients, or 'One visitor per patient per day' for those who were not on ventilators. As you can imagine, many family members were distraught and took it out on me because I was the first point of contact."

"What did you do?"

"The first thing I always do is try to prevent people from getting angry in the first place.

When they walk up, I put down what I'm doing, turn towards them and say, 'Welcome. How may I help you?' If I start out friendly, most treat me with respect, even if they're upset.

If they start getting loud, I say, 'I'm trying to help you if you'll let me.' That lets them know we're on the same side and they tend to calm down."

"What do you do if someone keeps yelling at you?"

"That just happened yesterday. A woman came running in, frantic, and said, 'My daughter just texted me. She's been in an accident and is in the ER. I've got to see her right away.'

I said, "Let me call them and see what's happening."

When I talked with the ER nurse, she said someone was already with the daughter, so I had to tell the mother she couldn't go in. The mother was beside herself. She started sobbing and screaming, all at the same time.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that there's no crying in baseball and there's no screaming at customers. Instead of putting her in her place, I had the presence of mind to put myself in her place.

I asked myself, 'How I would feel if my daughter was in the ER and I couldn't be with her?'

I didn't like how this woman was treating me, but I understood it. Seeing things from her point of view gave me the patience and incentive to say 'Maybe there's something I can do.'

I called the ER and asked, 'WHO is with the daughter?' It was the Uber driver who had brought her in!

I explained the situation to him and thanked him. He left and the mom was able to be with her daughter."

The Power of Proactive Grace

"The world is full of good people. If you can't find one, be one." - Mother Teresa

When we're dealing with sensitive, stressful situations, we have a choice.

We can lose our cool and let the other person know exactly how we feel.

Or we can keep our cool and respond in a way that helps instead of hurts.

It's not always easy to respond with proactive grace, it's always worth it.

We can't always choose or control how people treat us, we can choose and control how we treat them.

And when we choose to set an example of integrity and focus on how to move forward on the same side instead of side against side, most people will respond in kind.

Not everyone. More people will.

At the end of the day, and at the end of our life, we can look back and be proud of how we showed up instead of having regrets and wishing we could have a do-over.

A Shortcut to Empathy

"The opposite of angry isn't calm, it's empathy." - Dr. Mehmet Oz

You may be thinking, "I agree with this in theory. Sometimes it's tough to respond with proactive grace when someone is in my face. And what does that term mean anyway?”

Good question.

Dictionaries have a variety of definitions for grace: “Courteous goodwill. To do honor by one’s presence. Simple elegance in movement. Virtuous impulses that are resistant to temptation. Disposition to kindness. An attractive trait and/or pleasing effect.”

Dictionaries define reactive as “Respond with hostility, opposition or a contrary course of action, often as a result of stress or emotional upset.”

Dictionaries define proactive as “Creating or controlling a situation by causing something to happen rather than responding to it after it happens. Acting in anticipation of future problems, needs or changes.”

In other words, reactive is when we say or do the first thing that occurs to us – without considering the consequences.

Proactive is when we consider the consequences before we act and choose to respond in a way that helps the situations vs. makes it worse.

If you put all that together, proactive grace is showing up as the quality of person we want to be – even when other people aren’t.

It is a mindset and a skill. It is a mindset because we make a mental commitment to doing this, even when we’re tempted to do the opposite.

And it is a skill – just like playing the piano or using a computer - because it consists of tangible steps that can be practiced and combined so we can do it confidently, consistently.??

One way to respond with proactive grace is to ask yourself these four words whenever you're in the middle of a patience-testing situation, "How would I feel?"

“How would I feel if I were in this person’s shoes?"

“How would I feel if this was happening to me or a loved one?”

Just like Aunt Kay, we may not like how this person is treating us, these four words can transform anger into empathy and help us respond mindfully instead of mindlessly.

You can also take a moment to ask, "How will what I’m about to say make them feel?"?

Projecting how we would feel and how they would feel is a shortcut to empathy.

Wayne Dyer said, "If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change."

If we change the way we respond to things, the things that happen next change.

Sometime today, something stressful will probably happen. If someone's getting on your last nerve and you’re on the verge of losing your patience, ask yourself:

"How would I feel if I was in this person's shoes? How can I respond with proactive grace so I make things better, not worse?”

Thinking things through can help you keep your cool and respond instead of react. You'll be glad you did, and so will everyone else.

Summary: What Can I Do If I’m Losing my Patience?

“Every feeling you’re showing is a boomerang you’re throwing.” - Abba?

Tempted to Do This?? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Do This Instead?

Impatience? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Empathy

Contempt? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Compassion???????????

Focus only on how we feel ? ? ? ? ? Imagine how they feel

Gripe ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Grace