What can companies do to help parents with pregnancy losses?

October is Pregnancy Loss Awareness month. It is a month no parents want to know about.

And for many, it is an awareness month you may not know about. That is why after 4 years, I have decided to share my story so that parents like me can get the right support they need from their companies, and companies may also learn how to give the best support of parents who have lost a child.

In the last four years, I have been pregnant 4 times. Now my husband and I have a healthy and loving 16 month old son giving us hugs every morning now, and if all goes well in the next week or two, we might have another healthy living baby to hold in our arms.

My first pregnancy ended with a stillbirth at 30 weeks, and I had a miscarriage at 10 weeks for my second. I speak for myself, and I can tell you that holding the body of your lifeless child is the most heartbreaking thing you’ll ever go through, and a memory that will forever be etched in your heart and mind. It was an uphill battle from the lowest of lowest that I had to dig myself from. It’s a long process and I want to share the support and help I had from my then employer ( 群邑 / Xaxis ) ?so that maybe it would benefit other parents out there.

I know it was the first time it happened to my then employer, but they did their best to come up with a plan for support which I hope they would continue to implement and better for other parents who may go through pregnancy loss.

1. When my husband informed my then employer about what happened, what we got was empathy, support and most importantly, space and privacy. The team was informed, but I did not get bombarded with tonnes of messages. Instead the only line of communication were HR and my then boss Arshan Saha .
2. My colleagues started messaging me (messages that did not expect responses) only after a few weeks and checking in if it was okay to reach out.
3. I took my full maternity leave to recover physically from my emergency c-section, but also because I wasn’t ready to meet anyone. I was also assured that I could work from home as long as I wanted to when I am ready to be back.
4. I started getting back on emails and some work calls almost 3 months in because I needed the distraction (when you have just given birth and you go home to a quiet home, it deafening). I knew many of my colleagues walked on eggshells and they were trying to be as sensitive as possible. But they showed only warmth and took my cue on how to react- I just wanted to talk about work on the calls and not make it about me, and they treated me ‘normally’ and were just that. Even if they wanted to send their condolences, they did not do it in-front of everyone on the call, but rather just sent me private messages such as “I hope you are feeling okay today”, “It’s nice to hear your voice again”, “I may not understand but Im here to listen if you need someone to talk to”.
5. The HR team also went to find the best pregnancy loss counsellor (not many in Singapore I realised) and with my permission made arrangements for me to attend as many sessions as I needed to cope with my loss. They even extended it to my husband if he wanted to (which he didn’t). They picked up the bill too.
6. When I finally mustered enough ‘courage’ to head back to the office, they created a buddy system for me. I had Marie D. from then HR who met me at the office on the first day. I sat in a quiet corner with her the first few weeks (because I was bumping into other work acquaintances in the office of 500 who unknowingly would see me at common areas without a bump and congratulating me on my newborn and asking to see photos only for me the explain the situation without creating an awkward situation for both of us. Though sometimes I would just say ‘thank you’ and walk away). Marie would check in on me from time to time too.
7. I finally went back to sit in my old seat with my team after 6 months since my delivery, and all I got is a hug from everyone of them (without much needed to be said) and was trusted to find my ‘work’ self again.
8. There were of course some insensitive remarks that I’ve gotten such as ‘don’t worry you can have another child’ as though a child can be replaced. But I’ve also realised that I needed to be big-hearted an understand that most times, people meant well, they just don’t know what to say or how to react. And a lot of it has to come from me on how I can also ‘educate’ or guide them on the best?approach.

I’m sharing the above because pregnancy loss is a private matter not many speak about and because of that, not many get the right support and help they should get from their employers and teams. I hope with this, companies can implement a support system and process to help parents (men and women) who have gone through pregnancy loss. 1 in 4 pregnancies are lost, so there are parents out there whose hearts are breaking in silence in the office. Help them and give them an outlet to reach out. It helps with their mental health too. ?