What Bipolar disorder means to me.

I do not like look looking at my face. I shave in the shower by touch, and even trimming my beard, I rarely look directly at myself. This is the face of Bipolar disorder, although it presents in many different ways, there are many commonalities, but this face is mine, surgically repaired as it is. On these last days of Mental health awareness month, I realized that I still had one more thing to speak about. This is my plea for awareness and my resume after all, so I should be forthcoming and communicate clearly. I'd like to talk about my experiences with bipolar disorder.

For the initiated, I was diagnosed almost 7 years ago now with Bipolar II disorder. I suffer from hypomania, insomnia, anxiety, ADHD and have pronounced rapid cycling with some peculiar pathology. For the uninitiated, I committed suicide 18 years ago. When you are locked in a hospital bed in 2006 especially, you learn to accept what care is given. My body was broken, and the triage placed my mind very low on the totem pole of care if you will. I was given a suicide watch for the month that I was in the icu, going in and out of surgeries. A psychiatrist visited me, she was very good at what she did. She told me I was wide open now and could start fresh, and she was right, but for over a year I went in and out of that hospital for more procedures, I never saw her again. I was able to walk, and I walked out with no diagnosis, no mental health medication or treatment and no suicide watch. I think the thought was that the suicide attempt had effectively "gotten it out of my system". To be more honest, I think the thought was that my insurance had run out and having no money it was time for me to go.

In some ways I had gotten it out of my system, I have never come close to being in the place i was in June of 2006. I remember it, I don't dream anymore, but if i did, i think it would haunt me. Its close to me, but I can't be touched by it- like an estranged uncle, and I am very thankful for that. There is value and danger in being open to the world around you. My fall killed my ego, shattered it in a million pieces, and that I will always be the most grateful for, but interacting in the world has always been so painful for me. The suicidal intent might be gone, but the mood disorder remained, and at the time, I had never even heard of bipolar disorder. I found coping skills and built relationships, slowly and painfully, like Frankenstein's monster's first steps. I do wish I had known sooner what exactly was wrong, so that I could have done better earlier on, but I've learned to accept that the past is behind me. I can only impact the present.

I'll tell you an example of how I personally have benefited from white male privilege my entire life. My aforementioned bipolar II disorder has always troubled me; my whiteness and my maleness protected me and still allowed me a chance to be successful. My particular way is hypomanic rapid cycling, basically i feel like my hearts about to jump out of my chest all the time, anxiously bouncing back and forth from euphoria to depression, multiple times a day. Paired with the complete lack of ability to sleep and an aggressively negative internal dialogue there's a lot of internal turmoil. This heightened state often triggers my receptors and makes me very sensitive to other people’s moods. This empathy is a gift in the right circumstance, but in certain business environments, in a room of deceit, ego and anger, it’s an anxiety fever dream. For me, it always came down to my leader. If my leader cared about the business and the people and gave me trust, I could thrive. I could manage both my internal balancing act to maintain a mood and perspective and I could be of help to those around me. I’ve always been very productive, all this manic energy, and insomnia, if focused correctly allows me to do nearly any task, I was known to be able to deliver on a measurable. When my leader, was only interested in how to further themselves, more often trying to protect themselves, did things go so wrong. It is so difficult for me to maintain my equilibrium and to have someone wielding their complete power over me, try and manipulate me, gaslight me, use me as their scapegoat, I was helpless against it. I love stories where the bullied kid finds a way to triumph over their bullies, but I never got to experience the movie endings in real life. I'm smart enough to see the strategy to win, but I have too much shame to fight for myself in that way. In my crushing depression, I let the bullies win and hope that in winning they realize how wrong what they have done is, and will change. I hope for the next person that they turn to, that it will be better. I know that's a vain hope and not enough, and I am sorry for all of the people that came after me- I am trying to do better.

In nearly all of the places I have worked in my life I have eventually struggled. I only wanted to be a part of something, to be accepted and to work hard, but at the end of the day, no one wanted me as part of their team. And I get it, I may be kind, hard working and well meaning, but I am different, hard to understand, and I can make people uncomfortable, especially people in power. Everywhere I go, I talk. Anyone that has met me for five minutes can tell you this lol. I do it, not because I love the sound of my voice, and not because it makes me feel good. I do it because my anxiety and internal stress bubbles WON'T SHUT UP until I feel safe around you. I speak alot and am so forthcoming to establish this trust, as early as possible, because especially as I get older, that feeling of not knowing if you're about to hurt me too, becomes harder and harder to tamp down. But I understand that most people thought I was an arrogant white male. Because that is expected, and protected, this was not a bar for me in leadership or in society in general, whereas the same behavior, is treated differently with different faces. I instead got promoted at nearly every place I worked, until like a canary in a coal mine, I got promoted under an ego driven leader/s and dropped dead.

Around 30-40% of people with bipolar disorder struggle with financial and work-related problems. The empathic ability doesn’t work very well in a work environment, and I think everyone understands why. 6% of the people with bipolar disorder have died by suicide, staggering when you consider that .014% of the us population has died by suicide. 30-40% have engaged in self harm, compared to about 5% of the general US population. To top it off, we have double the chance of coronary heart disease, mainly because of the enhanced stress we carry. It's a scary prognosis, a result I'd point out, mainly driven by the way people are treated, all over the world, Mental health disorder or not. Like I say, I flourished in a work environment where I was given trust and I responded to servant leadership. I would work hard to pay that forward at every opportunity, and with a single purpose, we would support each other in an environment that had meaning. We were productive, leading with kindness and fairness and empathy. I have been lucky enough in my life to have leaders such as this, and so I know it is possible. I have been lucky enough to be part of teams where we have achieved this. It is well within our capability to foster a workplace that believes in trust, transparency and support, in fact I see a clever quote or meme every day on the subject on Linkedin. And yet, in nearly every company I worked for, I would see patriarchy, white supremacy, ego, nepotism, but mainly FEAR destroy those works and intentions while everyone sat by and let it happen.

I understand what it is like to live in fear. I understand what it is to not have hope, to embrace the phrase, "its me or them", (wherein I would choose me, every time, and fall on a sword). The problem is that, fear reactions, the ego, the narcissism, all of these unfortunate binaries that were created as means of control, they enslave the enslaver just as well. The mental health crisis in this country is not being caused by the 2% of people with bipolar disorder, its a result of a world and system that only seeks to profit from us. To take from us, drain us and leave us for dead. People with bipolar disorder are just more sensitive to it. This societal crisis pushes people to their edge, which is why in our 988 crisis center, 1 of 6 in the state of New Jersey, we have already received nearly 9000 crisis calls this year. The mental health crisis will only continue to grow worse until we do something about it.

What can we do? We can move beyond representation (representation matters, but it's nothing, if not followed with empowerment and transparently presented actions) and start working holistically on creating better, safer work environments. We can foster open communication, and this means up and down so that we can better understand all of the variations of people and their needs. We do this for customers, we have whole industries created around it. Why is it so hard to do the same for the people you hire? We can hold all people accountable. Bad behavior is allowed for some and not for others and that has to stop. Within our own spheres in the present, we have an amazing amount of control and impact. We can listen, we can allow empathy to flourish, we can stop angling for what we want and start working towards a common goal. We can help someone without expecting anything in return. We can forgive and put aside the traumas of our past so that it won't cloud your perception of what is happening in front of you. Great changes in this world are not made by people in the history books, but by the people who followed them in that present time, who led by their example. The world is made better by all of us collectively impacting our own space- by picking it up and paying it forward.

Employers you need people with Bipolar disorder, people with deep caring and empathy are an important part of a workspace that values open communication and trust. People with mood disorders, value peace above all and are sensitive to the needs of others. This is important in roles that prioritize interpersonal skills. It is commonly believed that there are genetic factors, but childhood trauma is by far the leading commonality of this disorder. Some people deserve more care and attention, and in caring we are often made better too. Maybe for our collective healing, we should seek to break down stigma and embrace the differences between us.

Although, I only got a formal diagnosis about 7 years back, getting a diagnosis, even long after life has given so many positive treatments is so self-affirming. Once you see Bipolar disorder, you can't unsee it. As I look back on my life, I also see all those others that were just like me. I thought I was alone, but I was never alone, the disease just makes you think you are. In the past when I made a mistake, I would punish myself, and I was unforgiving, internally destructive- I fumed and i internalized until I died.

And that's no way to live.

In Giving we live

just as we find peace

after facing fear, guilt and punishment- in absolution.

Be well all.