What Becoming a Father Taught Me About Compassion

The last thing I wanted to do was be like my father. Yet, that was exactly the path I was on. Not only was I a skinhead leading an extreme hate group, but I was distant, emotionally unavailable, violent, misogynistic, hypocritical, extreme, hateful, the list goes on. It felt impossible to see the forest of redemption through the trees of my anger.

My children were my salvation.

I had spent 10 years as a leader in the white supremacist movement when my first child was born. I had no idea the impact of holding her in my arms for the first time — and how it would change my life forever. My son was born just 15 months later, and I never looked back.

My children taught me to love myself when all I felt was hate. They taught me to have compassion for myself when I felt unlovable. Through their eyes, I saw my humanity reflected back at a time when looking in the mirror only caused pain. I truly believe the level to which we dehumanize others is a direct reflection of how disconnected we are inside. Compassion (for yourself and from others, children included) is the antidote to this internal dehumanization. As a result, I left the extreme hate group I once led.

Through my work today I help people leave hate groups. One of the exercises I lead people through is to ask themselves these three questions about their strongly held beliefs: Is it the same as one or both of my parents? Is it the opposite as one or both of my parents? Or is it actually mine? Curiosity is the gateway to self-exploration, which leads to self-awareness, then self-forgiveness, then self-compassion, and, hopefully, redemption. Understanding the tension between what we have been taught and who we authentically are is a wonderfully rewarding thread to pull.

This exercise was inspired by my children. I needed to see myself as they saw me, and once I found compassion for myself, I became curious. Curious to understand why I had been so angry. This led to discovering more about my own father. I learned that his father was at sea during most of his childhood and had been torpedoed and thought dead during WW2.

I began to understand my father through the lens of his childhood. He only knew what he himself was taught about being a father — absence and detachment. My anger toward him dissipated. How could I be angry at someone for not giving me something they did not know how to give? How productive was that anger for me? Clearly not at all given my time as a Holocaust denier, gay basher, and white supremacist. I learned that holding onto anger is like drinking poison.

Becoming a father made me realize that I wanted — no, needed — to end the cycle. I had to protect my children from the toxicity I had once championed. It was one thing to be self-destructive with my own life but it was not fair to be self-destructive with theirs. I had to gather the courage to show up as a father and accept the responsibility it entailed by parenting them the way they deserved. What happened? I healed and they thrived. My children provided me with the courage I needed to have compassion for myself, and to develop compassion for others. They became my healthy source of attention, acceptance, community, and purpose.

My children know my history but they understand that the things I did in the past are not who I am today. They are proud of the work I have done since co-founding Life After Hate and the work I continue to do with organizations such as Starts With Us. My daughter now works with me part time and both my children have become wonderful parents in their own right — likely learning a great deal from the endless mistakes that I made along the way.

The 3Cs championed by SWU (curiosity, compassion, and courage) are not rules to live by — they are principles to thrive by. I’m proof.

Tony McAleer is an international speaker, change maker, and father of two. He is a co-founder of the nonprofit Life After Hate, Founding Partner of Starts With Us, and author of The Cure for Hate: A Former White Supremacist’s Journey from Violent Extremism to Radical Compassion.