What Barbie Teaches Us About the Double-Bind of Modern Womanhood

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The Barbie movie has joyfully taken over the world. Sold-out showings abound, and just 17 days after opening, it became the first movie helmed by a solo female director to hit $1 billion at the box office. It’s a lot of fun, but it also tackles some big issues. Among them, how it feels to be a woman in today’s world.??

**Warning: spoilers for Barbie below!**

In Barbie’s second act, America Ferrera’s character, Gloria, comforts Barbie (who feels like she isn’t good enough to be worthy) with an impassioned speech. You know the one.

“It is literally impossible to be a woman. You are so beautiful, and so smart, and it kills me that you don’t think you’re good enough. Like, we have to always be extraordinary, but somehow we’re always doing it wrong.

You have to be thin, but not too thin. And you can never say you want to be thin. You have to say you want to be healthy, but also you have to be thin. You have to have money, but you can’t ask for money because that’s crass. You have to be a boss, but you can’t be mean. You have to lead, but you can’t squash other people’s ideas. You’re supposed to love being a mother, but don’t talk about your kids all the damn time. You have to be a career woman, but also always be looking out for other people. You have to answer for men’s bad behavior, which is insane, but if you point that out, you’re accused of complaining. You’re supposed to stay pretty for men, but not so pretty that you tempt them too much or that you threaten other women because you’re supposed to be a part of the sisterhood. But always stand out and always be grateful. But never forget that the system is rigged. So find a way to acknowledge that but also always be grateful. You have to never get old, never be rude, never show off, never be selfish, never fall down, never fail, never show fear, never get out of line. It’s too hard! It’s too contradictory and nobody gives you a medal or says thank you! And it turns out in fact that not only are you doing everything wrong, but also everything is your fault.

I’m just so tired of watching myself and every single other woman tie herself into knots so that people will like us. And if all of that is also true for a doll just representing women, then I don’t even know.”

Ferrera delivers this speech perfectly, and it spoke to my heart. I thought of all the women I’ve taught and coached, and how often a version of this monologue played in their heads. “You are never just right. You’re too much. You’re too little. What you do is never enough. Who you are is never enough.” Haven’t we all felt this way at some point in our lives?

Maybe you feel that way right now.?

I work with women of all ages, across a variety of backgrounds, and I’ve never met one who didn’t understand this reality deeply. Why is that? Where does this feeling of “not enough” come from, and more importantly: how do we let it go??

Barbieland vs. The Real World

Many women feel like they can’t do anything right, but that impression doesn’t come from thin air. It’s rooted in experience. Research by Amy Diehl, Leanne Dzubinski, and Amber Stephenson revealed that virtually any characteristic can be leveraged against a woman at work. What’s more, these criticisms related to facets of women’s identity, such as race, age, parental status, attractiveness, and physical ability.?

When Barbie travels from girl-power Barbieland to The Real World, others treat her differently. She is viewed as an object, less capable, and inferior to Ken - which makes her feel insecure. Women have this experience at least two times in our lives. First, when we go through puberty and our bodies grow ahead of our self-image. Suddenly we are seen as older, and we are treated differently by the boys in school, even getting catcalled by adult men in the street (I remember this happening, terrifyingly, to one of my young daughters). It happens again when high-achieving women transition from academia to the workplace. College can be Barbieland, where hard work and ability are rewarded and the path to success is clear and achievable. When we enter the workplace, we’re like Barbie in The Real World, where nothing is clear. Getting ahead isn’t just about hard work, it is also about self-promotion and risk-taking, and a myriad of other things. We have traveled to this new land with confidence, and when the rules suddenly change, our self-image takes a major hit.?

Never “just right”

In my experience and supported by research, women in business often fall into a double bind. For example, if I asked you to describe a leader, you may use adjectives like “assertive,” “commanding,” or “dominant,” traits typically associated with our old ideas of masculinity.? While the average workplace has become more collaborative over time, our past expectations of leaders still invade our subconscious. Traditionally feminine (whatever that means) characteristics, like “warmth” or “tenderness” don’t mesh well with what we expect from leaders. Because women are held to embedded biases about their gender while also being measured against standards of leadership linked to masculinity, we often face backlash. We’re seen as too soft or too tough, but never just right.

Speaking up breaks the spell?

If you haven’t seen Barbie yet (what are you waiting for?!), you should know that when Gloria gives this speech, it brings a brainwashed-by-patriarchy Barbie back to reality. One by one, the group of deprogrammed Barbies (alongside iconic ally Allan ) return the others to their original state by speaking up about the cognitive dissonance of being a woman. It’s a magical antidote in the context of the movie, but it works in the real world too.?

There is power in speaking truth. It allows us to see the invisible and transforms an idea into something real. When we share our knowledge and experiences, it causes a ripple effect.? Other women are inspired to reflect and share their own lived experience. Those who hear the truth wake up. As more and more voices are added - including men’s voices - the ripples grow into a tidal wave. Speaking truth and naming a problem is how change begins - both here and in Barbieland.

Embracing your Swag-HER

As everything settles down in Barbieland, Barbie still has a choice to make: perfection vs humanity. We have that choice as well. No matter how hard we try, we can’t be everything to everyone. We can tie ourselves into every knot in the book, and there will still be people who won’t like us. Because likability is expected of women, it’s a tough pill to swallow.?

Yet universal adoration, like being a woman, is impossible. There are people out there who don’t like pizza or apple pie or puppies, and there are people who won’t like you. Once you get past the disappointment, this realization changes your life. Since everything about you is going to be criticized by someone, you might as well do what you want. Instead of trying desperately to be liked, get comfortable with the person you are, and find your own path to success. While effective tools and helpful feedback can give you a leg up, adhering to the rules of behavior is something we can leave behind, no matter our age. You don’t have to do it in a “masculine” or “feminine” way, you just have to do it like you.?

Coming soon: The Mirrored Door: Break Through the Hidden Barrier that Locks Successful Women in Place! Pre-order your copy today!?

Want more? Click here to download Ten Tips I Wish I Knew Earlier In My Career !

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