What anxiety can make you do?

Lately it’s different than how it used to be. It feels like I’m unable to breathe and being suffocated despite the fact I am still very clearly breathing. It feels like the world around me doesn’t feel real, like I’m not part of myself - call it derealization or depersonalization or whatever you want. It makes me shake and shiver violently. It makes me scared. It doesn’t allow me to think, to rationalize anything I feel. It makes me cry whole night. My pillow is all wet with my tears. It hurts badly. It makes me want to be in pain. So yeah, what more?

I’m peacefully texting a friend, we're cracking jokes and talking about whatever. I send my next text, and wait for their reply. A minute passes, still no reply. 10 minutes pass, 20 minutes… no acknowledgement. What is happening to my friend? I start becoming uncomfortable, insecure, anxious. What if they're mad at me? I hear the thought clearly ringing in my ears. What if I said the wrong thing? What if I hurt them, offended them? What if they hate me? What if they never reply? I'm gonna be all alone again. Wait, what if something happened to them? My thoughts are screaming at me, coming in faster than I can cope with.

My thoughts are suddenly broken by the sound of my phone buzzing. They replied. I tremble as I open the text... “Sorry, I was busy”. I sigh and wonder what is wrong with me. I'm sitting in the back of the car, we're driving somewhere to go shopping at a mall. We reach an intersection and turn onto a new road. I read the street sign, and it sounds familiar.I remember just recently, I heard on the news that there was a fatal car crash on this road. I was really sad hearing about it, especially because it was only local. A thought crosses my mind… what if it was us? We're on this road right now, it must be a dangerous road… what if I die? What if my family dies?

I keep running to the railway station in a worry that I might miss my train. My stomach tumbles. I feel nausea creeping in, my head feels dizzy. I look out the window at every vehicle passing us, and feel that familiar sinking feeling. We finally reach the end of this road and turn off my engine of the car and I find myself suddenly able to breathe again. Was I not breathing that whole time? I didn't even notice. Where is the train? Has it left already?

I’m in my bathroom brushing my hair, not really even thinking about anything in particular. All of a sudden I feel like I'm hit by a wave, and my stomach drops as usual. I have an overwhelming feeling of impending doom and a strong gut feeling something’s wrong, but I have no idea what. You're in danger. Something's off. Something's about to happen. You're not safe. My throat tightens. I have to force myself to breathe, but it feels like the air is trapped. I realise I'm sweating, and I feel strangely hot, even though it's a cool day.

What is wrong with me? I ask myself. Nothing is even happening, I'm perfectly safe, why am I still like this? That irritating noise of a drill machine as if making holes into my head. The voice is always there. Always reminding you of everything that could go wrong, every danger in a situation. You feel always on edge, like there's no escape. It makes you feel like everything is wrong, like everything is too much to cope with. It makes you second guess yourself constantly, it makes you spend hours overthinking about the most irrational thing, it makes you wonder if something is wrong with you.

Now it makes you feel like you aren't in control. It makes you feel like you're not safe anywhere. Even if, like in my last example above, there's not even anything happening that could trigger it. You feel like you're gasping for each breath, like the world is closing in on you. Like you're trapped, falling into an endless pit of doom. Your mind feels blurry, the world around you feels blurry, but the dark thoughts in your head are the only thing that break the fog. You know it's irrational, you know it’s just your anxiety giving you those thoughts. But they're just too loud sometimes.

I live my life to the fullest, every day. Work, children, chores, hobbies, all those cherished little moments that make life special and worthwhile. In the evening I do bedtime rituals with my children. Reading, cuddles, special mom-time with them both. When lights in their rooms are turned off, beautiful silence fills our home, a home that was until now a safe space, filled with love and family. Until now all quiet around me.

Last few days, since I found out I have terminal stage cancer, something completely different happens to me after I put my children to sleep. As I plant soft kisses on their sleepy heads and whisper good night to them, sadness, dread and helplessness pours over me like a rainstorm. I greet my days as strong and active as always, but nights are unkind. They suffer no denial, and in the silence of my home I face the truth I desperately need not to be true. I need to smile but can't. Cheers!