What Adults Can Say and Do to Support Autonomy from "The Art of Insubordination" by Todd Kashdan

1. Don't lecture your kids. Instead, spend time listening to them. Show them that what they say matters. You should re-express what a child says with such clarity and vividness that they respond, "Damn, I wish you could be my speech writer."

2. Find moments for kids to enjoy independence, offering them space to work on problems and puzzles in their own way.?

3. Provide your kids with frequent speaking opportunities. Even if their points are nearly inarticulate, find the useful nugget and validate it. Give them the floor to speak for themselves when around other adults.

4. Note indicators that your child is improving or mastering a skill and call it out. Try to connect what they do to their personal goals. For example, you might say, "And that is why you are going to be landing ollies on a skateboard soon!" or "Spoken like a future veterinarian."

5. Don't bark out commands at your kids. Instead, encourage them as they work, chiming in with "You got this" and "So close" along with reminders of what they've done in the past ("Keep plugging away and remember how well your efforts paid off last time").

6. When your kids get stuck on a problem, don't offer solutions but instead feed them helpful hints ("I wonder if you … . " or "It might be easier if you started with.."). Remind them that making mistakes is part of the learning process.

7. Acknowledge your kids' perspective and experience. Show compassion for the difficulty of a task. Remind them of what it was like for you as a beginner. Explain why you aren't giving them the answer "You will remember this far better and longer by working through it on your own").

8. Avoid statements with words like "should" and "ought," as these suggest that there is a right and wrong way of arriving at solutions. Let kids experiment and come to their own conclusions.