What Actually Makes Someone A "Good Mom?"

For a dude that hath never and probably will never make someone a biological mom, I think about motherhood a lot, and potentially even too much. Here’s (humble brag) one of my better ones.

As such, I come across stuff like this and find it interesting: "Pretty White Moms In Pretty White Houses."

If you get into that post, which is about the culture of “Mom-Fluencers” — loosely defined, that’s people who monetize their children and motherhood — you come to some interesting sections.

Here’s one:

Perhaps the most interesting aspect about Ballerina Farm (and her immense popularity) to me is the unquestioned assumption that she’s a “good mom.” In almost every single one of her posts, you’ll see comment after comment commending her for being “such a good mom.” But why is she a good mom? Because she lives in the country? Because she has lots of kids and is pictured smiling? Because she can afford a $30,000 stove? Because she’s pretty? Because she adheres to ideals of femininity? Because she is a ballerina and not a hip-hop dancer? Because she doesn’t feed her kids boxed mac ‘n cheese? I dare you to interrogate any one of those rationales and not end up drowning in a stew of gender essentialism and racist ideology. She might very well be a great mom! But none of us can know that by watching a reel of her making flatbreads.

If you are unfamiliar with Ballerina Farm, here is a sample:

Cool post. Hits all the Instagram aesthetics of note. But again, so many of the comments on posts like these talk about Hannah being a “good mom.” How do we know she’s a “good mom” from these types of posts? I mean, maybe she’s a great mom. But does Instagram really let you understand and truly know that about a woman?

Then, if we go back to the Mom-Fluencers post, we also have this:

In thinking about the reasons undergirding my decision to have a third child, I think I was scared to define myself outside of motherhood, and also scared about being excluded from a club neatly defined by adherence to very specific gender norms. Women’s lives are often viewed as an assemblance of milestones, and we’re taught to view these milestones as potential for transformation. And we’re taught that there’s nothing important to become or be after motherhood, which is, of course, bullshit, but I admit that I was scared to be at the end of my potential for becoming by being done with babies. I think there’s probably something very wrong with my obsession with milestones and life stages too; it certainly says something about the way productivity culture has informed my sense of self as a woman.

I will say that this pull quote commences with privilege: the ability to have a third child, or a fourth, is something a lot of people take for granted both biologically and economically. There’s definitely a waft of female privilege in the air on this one. But, after that initial stumble, the quote is pretty money. It encapsulates the female experience, best I can understand it, to a tee.

Probably the most emotionally-painful thing about my life in my 30s and 40s is that I’ve had two long-term partners who I couldn’t give “the big” milestone to. That breaks my heart essentially every day. I’m sure it’s a big reason why I sometimes still drink to excess, ya know?

I definitely understand the milestones thing. It’s kinda bullshit — most discussions about conventional success are bullshit, honestly — but it’s very palpable.

Here’s the final quote I’d draw your attention to:

Aestheticized motherhood is also interesting because it prioritizes static imagery over people’s lived experiences. Mothering is ongoing and ever changing; it resists neat categorization, and no single photograph could really communicate everything it entails. It’s also wildly variable! Motherhood is so beholden to imagery though, and imagery can often conjure up powerful feelings, which can energize all sorts of agendas. What’s more powerful? A list of a mother’s daily activities or a photo of a mother snuggling a newborn captioned by a passionate plea to criminalize abortion? I guess it depends on the viewer or reader, but I think it’s important to understand how imagery operates as an emotional shortcut in many ways.

I feel like this is a good summation of “performative motherhood,” which unfortunately has taken hold in the last 10 years.

Part of all that, I think, is that most people (especially younger moms) live their lives in the day-to-day of tasks and work and providing and nurturing (assuming they work, which at this point it’s safe to assume they do; see also: inflation). The tasks are what they know, so in their downtime of scrolling, they respond to the aesthetic, and then a small part of them wants to mirror that aesthetic, and said small part of them grows over time to want to do this more and more. I know tons of young moms in that boat. Some think I begrudge them. I think infertility sucks, and I feel bad for my wife on that front, but I don’t begrudge anyone what they want to do with their Insta. Just remember: the legal landscape on kid photos may change over time.

Maybe the most important thing within any of those quotes above is that “… motherhood is not static,” which is crucial to remember because I’m not sure enough modern moms realize that. There is a prize to the aesthetic, and I get that, but motherhood isn’t a static branding choice — nor is it a simple destination. It’s a full f’n journey. And I do wonder if we’re off the reservation a little on that part.