Whaddaya Know? I’m Omniscient.

August 22, 2021?Joshua Alexander?Leave a comment

I know everything! (Because, uh, that is what omniscient means...)

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"Why?"

I have a 5-year-old.??His favorite question is “Why?” to absolutely everything these days, which A) requires that I give an answer, and B) means that I should do well on a witness stand because by now I am accustomed to being assaulted by a barrage of questions.

• "Why can’t I have this?"
• "Why does that work that way?"
• "Why do I have to wait?"
• "Why does he do that?"
• "Why is it not time for a movie?"
• "Why are you brandishing that chainsaw?"
• "What does brandish mean?"
• "Can I have a chainsaw for Christmas?"
• "Where are you going?"

This New And Delightful Habit of Inquisition has required a bit of a change in our home.?Ergo, my son's name is no longer Brennan; to me, he is now?The Questioner.?I even thought of Googling why he does this, but asking "Why do children ask why?" seems redundantly inappropriate, like asking a clerk to help me find the Self-Help section.

These days, The Questioner will approach me with an inquiry of “Why?” to absolutely everything.?To protect my sanity - oh and also to have a smidge of fun - I have been taking creative license in how I respond.?I cite the following examples:

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• Me:?“Don’t eat those berries or you will die.”
• The Questioner:?“Why?”
• Me:?“Because I will kill you for disobedience in eating the berries I told you not to eat.”

Or…

• Me:?“We can’t have those yet because we are eating dinner soon.”
• The Questioner:?“Why?”
• Me:?“I have already provided a ‘because’ answer. Your question has all the hallmarks of redundancy.”
• The Questioner: “Why?”
• Me:?“This conversation has grown tiresome.”
• The Questioner:?“Why?”
• Me: *searches for gag, tape, and?Children’s Benadryl*

Or...

• The Questioner:?“Dada why is your tummy so big?”
• Me: *sizes The Questioner up for a coffin*

Or…

• The Questioner:?“Can we go to Fred Meyer and get a toy please?”
• Me:?“No, honey, you do not need a toy. But thank you for saying 'please.'”
• The Questioner:?“Why?”
• Me:?"Because 'please' is a great word for manners."
• The Questioner:?"No, Dada, I know that. I mean why don't I need a toy?"
• Me:?“Because, honey, don’t you remember? If you acquire too many toys, then the Toy Monster comes out from under your bed at night and peels back your face and sucks out the part of your brain that likes toys and cookies and cake, leaving you only with the part of your brain that obediently cleans the house and eats?Brussels Sprouts. Then they smear you with meat and put your bed outside with you in it to attract the coyotes. Remember?”
• The Questioner: *mouth agape*

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While I have found that many questions can be answered logically and fairly, it is far more enjoyable to provide answers that evoke monsters and sheer terror.

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Information Is Power

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This is Brennan's "Heh???" face when he does not understand, and needs to know something now.

You see,?“why?”?is a huge question with all kinds of possible responses.?“Because I said so” is my all-time favorite, although this answer has proven incredibly ineffective at pacifying The Questioner.?It is however incredibly effective at eliciting eye-rolls and sighs, so I should be properly prepared for when he reaches?teenagerdom.

For now, The Questioner is now at the age where everything?must?be explained.?He is, frankly, "WhyNet."?He has become?self-aware!?And he will soon obtain the nuclear launch codes and destroy us all, building cybernetic organisms with fleshy exteriors that hunt us down if our name is?Sarah Conner.?His little brain is developing at exponentially increasing speeds, and he is acquiring new knowledge and explanations in order to understand the meaning of life.?Apparently answers such as “Eating Chick-Fil-A” are unsatisfactory to him.

What I have realized however, in this period of questioning by The Questioner, is that I evidently know?everything.?Stay with me here; I am not being braggadocios.?The truth is that he continues to come to me, because I deliver.??I am, in fact, omniscient.?I'm a genius!?Just ask me.?I have discovered, time and time again, that in the many questions that he posits every day, I actually have the answer.?It is amazing!?And it is a?logical?answer!?Most times, it is even correct!?I blow myself away at how omniscient I actually am, and I expect to receive some kind of award soon.

Secret cobweb-covered vaults of locked-away knowledge attained way back in third-grade are suddenly resurrected in my amygdala in order for me to proudly present them to my son, to impress and inform.??(Nah, just impress.)??I find impossible questions such as “Dada, where is Heaven?” and “Dada, how do birdies fly?” and “Dada, where do hamburgers come from?” simply delightful.?This last one is especially provocative, because it allows both of us to direct our attention to?YouTube videos?of cows being slaughtered, which is great fun for a five-year-old.?("Cue "Beef: it’s what’s for dinner" here.)

It will only be a matter of time before the subject of how babies are made comes up.?I plan to be?in Yemen?so that he can ask his mother instead.

But the fact remains: I am incredibly omniscient.?And awesome.?And very handsome.

It is no surprise, really: voice actors are incredible.?Let us look at the definition of voice actor as cited by?the_vintage_voice?on Instagram, along with the accompanying picture:

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Noun?/vois ‘akter/

The best kind of person, usually known for their exceptional wit, beauty and intelligence.

So you see now that it stands to reason that I know everything.?It is my?job?to know everything.?I will rue the day when my son posits the following query, “Dada, what does posit the following query mean?”?To which I will have no answer and will need to look up the meaning of ‘posit’ and ‘query.’?I am in Yemen often.

Information truly is power.?Though my brain power continues to decrease each day by virtue of being surrounded by strong cellular and WIFI signals - and I just watched?C-SPAN?for ten minutes - I find that it is actually pleasant to be omniscient.?Or, well, at least to have my son?think?I am omniscient.?I am still working on my wife, who continues to wear her “I don’t need Google; my husband knows everything”?T-Shirt.

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Voiceovers and Omniscience

Winston Churchill?said,?“The most important thing about education is appetite.”??So here are some questions, Oh Thrice-Beloved, Worthy and All-Knowing Voiceover Artist:

• Are you?hungry?for knowledge?
• Do you know enough to get you by?
• Do you know just enough to make you dangerous?
• Are you staying true to proven techniques in voiceovers?
• Are you willing to take courses to improve your business acumen?
• Can you learn more about how to deliver a great voiceover?
• Do you think you know everything already?
• Are you willing to continue coaching?
• Wanna watch some cows getting slaughtered on YouTube?

John Wooden?said,?“It’s what you learn after you know it all that counts.”?I do not know about you.?I just know about myself and The Questioner.?We need to continue to ask questions in order to continue to grow.??Otherwise, we rot.?It really is that simple.

The awesome truth of the matter is that sometimes, when Brennan asks questions, I find that I discover the answers with him as I stumble along.?In fact I am just waiting for someone around me to be impressed and swoon.?I will soon have business cards made:?"Joshua Alexander: Omniscient Knower of Things."

Benjamin Disraeli?said?“To be conscious that you are ignorant of the facts is a great step to knowledge.”?I agree.?Many times I am finding everything out with The Questioner, learning as I go.

Other times I am in Yemen.

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Joshua Alexander

Seattle Voice Actor & Voiceover Artist for hire

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