We've Yet to Find a Clue

Fears From the Mind of a Mom Who Raised "That Kid"

"There was no meaningful forewarning of this crime." I have listened to Texas Governor, Greg Abbott speak these words 3 times now rewinding my streaming service to confirm I was hearing it correctly. "We've yet to find a clue." This sentiment, spoken by Texas Department of Public Safety, Steve McCraw, hits even deeper.

"There was no meaningful forewarning of this crime."

Greg Abbott, Texas Governor

“We’ve yet to find a clue.”

Steve McCraw, Texas Dept of Public Safety

At the start of the 21/22 school year, in my article Where Were the Parents? , I shared part of my own, very personal journey in parenting a difficult child. That article was the product of a local press release and the stream of comments from strangers blaming parents for children's behaviors. In it, I alluded to the fear, the stress, the lack of resources, and the darkness that resulted from my experience.

Yesterday, with the final days of the same school year winding down, I sat glued to my television heartbroken by the tragedy in Uvalde, TX. My son, reunified with our family after his experience in a therapeutic boarding school, watched me pacing, asking my own set of questions, rhetorically, to reporters on the television.

What about his family? Has anyone checked on them? Where was he before this?

Of course, as details have unfolded, we've learned that before so many lives were stolen, the young man shot his grandmother, Celia Martinez, in the face. According to his mother's boyfriend, Juan Alvarez, in an interview with NBC News, "the shooter?left his mother’s home two months ago to live with his grandmother after he got into an intense argument with his mother" over Wi-Fi. Other resources indicate that up to 8 police officers were required at the scene of that March incident.

Still, authorities are proclaiming there were no warning signs.

Perhaps, Golden State Warriors Basketball Coach, Steve Kerr expressed my sentiments best in THIS raw video shared by CBS Los Angeles . "WHEN ARE WE GOING TO DO SOMETHING?...How would you feel if this happened to you today?"

Globally, there are only a handful of organizations designed to assist and support parents and siblings of abusive children/adolescents. In the US, there are none. While there is minimal research, in 1991, one study showed that every year, in the US, an estimated 19 million children engage in acts of abusive violence against their brothers and sisters. In the last 30 years, the statistics have not been adequately updated and there remains no method of accurately calculating abuse toward parents.

I will never know the tumult that led an 18-year-old to commit these heinous acts nor do I have any facts about his mother. I do, however, know my experience. I know, as recently as August, when I went public with my own story, I was bombarded by a community who, for the most part, judged me. I listened as some of my worst fears became realities, as strangers shared their negativity with other strangers, as I was reminded that I live in a place more focused on sensationalism than support - on criticism than curiousity or understanding.

So, while fists continue to raise blaming this latest tragedy on gun control or mental health, I acknowledge that these are both valuable discussions to be had. But let me be the first to shake my fist and demand that we take another look at domestic abuse and acknowledge that there are things happening behind closed doors that are being IGNORED, that victims are not reaching out because their cries for help continue to fall on deaf ears, and that abusers are not limited to significant others, spouses, or parents.

There WAS a clue. There is a TRAIL of clues pointing toward those who could commit the next tragedy because the resources to prevent it are too hard to find.

Things are happening behind closed doors that are being IGNORED...

Following today's Uvalde briefing, commenter Karen B. said this:

"This is what is truly wrong with many of our youth today. Intervention in helping families who struggle with teens JUST LIKE this one is what is needed..."

During the first hour of this morning's Today Show, Hoda Kotb stated, “70%. 70% of school shootings happen when the person is 18 or younger.”

Again, I cannot pretend to know the circumstances of this mother/son relationship, but I do know how limited intervention resources are. I know that, in the times I reached out to police for support, mental health resources were never provided for either of my children or myself. Even today, as Governor Abbott shared a list of organizations available to the people of Uvalde, there was no mention of peer support groups such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) or Mental Health America (MHA) .

Organizations such as NAMI and MHA have affiliates throughout the US (including Texas) that provide resources, education, and peer support for those dealing with personal mental health situations and, just as importantly, for those who love someone facing a mental health struggle. While these are two of the larger names out there, there are many others attempting to do similar work.

When it comes to domestic abuse, the resources can appear limitless - unless you are looking for child to parent abuse support. In that case, the response by both law enforcement and local victim support outlets is too often, "there is nothing we can do." Parents are then faced with terminating rights or remaining in dangerous situations. It is only when events, like those at Robb Elementary School, occur that we take a moment to look for places where we could improve systems.

"70% of school shootings happen when the person is 18 or younger."

Hoda Kotb, TODAY

Outside the US, organizations such as PEGS (Parental Education Guidance Support) and Holes in the Wall are working to be catalysts of change. Though their statistics do not reference numbers within the US, many of their resources can be helpful to families in all places.

While I like to believe that things in my home could never have escalated to the events of yesterday, I wasn't always sure, and I remain grateful for the supporters and the school who stepped in to remove that fear. Because of those who saw my daughter and I, who heard our cries for help, and who stepped in determined to rebuild our family rather than write us off, we are able to share our story, speak out for others, provide hope, and pay that kindness forward to help other families who feel like they are facing these battles alone.

To the community of Uvalde, my heart is shattered for you. To every parent holding your child a bit closer today fearing how many tomorrows you might have, my heart hurts for you. And to the mom watching these events unfold, terrified that her child could be the next to cause this sort of heartache, you are not alone. I pray for all of you; I have been each of you, and I remain committed to bringing awareness to those "clues" that continue to go unnoticed.

#youarenotalone #nami #mha #mentalhealthmatters #cpv #avith #cpva #apva #parenting #domesticabuse #domesticviolence #ittakesavillage #theburg #pegs #thetodayshow #today #hodakotb #stevekerr #goldenstatewarriors #cbs #nbc #yahoo