We’ve Lost the Ability to Tell Our Own Stories. Here’s How to Change That—And Why You Should.

The following is adapted from my new book, Story Like You Mean It.

I think it’s safe to say that one thing we all share is a love for story. Stories have been used to teach, to inspire, to caution, and to entertain. They also—perhaps most of all—have been a way to connect with other people and tell them who we are.

So many of us, though, have no idea what to say when someone asks for our story. 

Think about it: when you meet someone for the first time—whether it’s at a business event or at a bar—and they say,  “Tell me about yourself,” do you panic? Freeze? Mumble something that makes the other person’s eyes glaze over? Ramble on with no direction? If so, you’re not alone. But if this is you—then, like so many other people—you’re missing out on a huge opportunity to shape how the other person sees you. 

You know what, though? It doesn’t have to be that way. When you learn to tell your own story, you control how the rest of the world sees you. Whether you’re looking to meet new people or trying to make a name for yourself in a new career, telling your story well will benefit you. How can it do that? Let me show you.

The Power of Story

In the past, storytelling always came with power.

When you think about the people who got to tell their stories, it was always teachers and principals, the leaders of departments or organizations, politicians or celebrities. Throughout our lives, it’s been the people in charge who have had the storytelling privileges. They’re the same people who control the meeting: what time it starts, what time it ends, whether it happens late.

But that’s not the deal anymore. Perhaps it’s the rise of social media, perhaps it’s a new generation gaining their voice: whatever it is, we all can share our story now. 

We no longer see the world—work or otherwise—as a situation with leaders versus followers; instead, everyone is a member with a voice. Student voices matter in universities, colleges, and schools. Worker voices matter in organizations. 

Those who lacked privileges have become the equals of those who had the power—and often become more powerful.

Storytelling Helps Us Become Ourselves

Now that everyone has a voice and a story, it doesn’t make your story less important. It makes it more important. If every voice matters, every story matters. 

As the hierarchy of the top-down organization disappears, everyone gets more opportunity to tell their story. In the world of the flip, everyone’s a leader. 

Think about this observation from a key leadership professor, Warren Bennis: “Becoming a leader is synonymous with becoming yourself; it is precisely that simple and it is also that difficult.”

(But don’t worry. We’re going to make it easier.)

Let me tell you why I love that quote. Because a leader is anyone who can influence others, so becoming a leader is also synonymous with learning how to influence people. There’s only one way to do that: communication. Which means that you can also become yourself by learning to communicate in a way that influences others (combined, to be sure, with putting in some work).

That’s what storytelling does. It helps us become ourselves. It allows us to answer the age-old question, “Who am I anyway?”

It’s All About You

We’ve known for decades that telling your story helps you better understand yourself. Psychologists have been writing for decades about how self-expression can release people from their cages. 

It’s an approach broadly termed humanism. At its heart is the notion that understanding yourself encourages positive selfishness: using self-knowledge to best achieve your goals, always with an awareness of others and your relationships, of course. 

Let me put it simply. “Hey, you matter.” 

You always mattered. I know that. But in the world of the flip, it’s more acceptable. Society says that it’s okay for you to matter. 

Your Story is More Than a Picture or a Post

Social media is a great demonstration of how acknowledging that you yourself matters is more acceptable. And in fact, if you have a social media account, you might think you are telling your story. 

It’s a common view: now that everyone has a platform, everyone is busy trying to tell his or her own story through the ideal picture or the ideal post. They’re looking for something that says, “I am kind of this person here in this…Instagram picture, this Facebook post, this tweet, this TED Talk video…whatever is the platform of the day.” 

People use social media to project a version of themselves. Psychologists call this a provisional identity claim. It’s intended to give an impression of you to anyone who sees the picture or post—but it’s provisional because it can be changed when they find out more about you or meet you. A provisional identity claim doesn’t tell your full story. In effect, it just says, “I think this is kind of cool.” 

Look at your friends’ Instagram posts. Do they ever say anything more meaningful than that? It’s as if someone is asked, “Tell me about yourself” and says, “Hey, I went surfing on Tuesday and it was awesome. The sun was just over the horizon, man. It was first light.” 

That’s not storytelling. It’s a report. It doesn’t reveal all of you. 

Learn to Tell Your Story

So if social media posts aren’t the way to tell your story, what is? Well, it comes down to three broad steps, that are based on self-event connections. 

If you don’t know the phrase, no cause for alarm. Self-events are meaningful moments in your life that link to wider influences on you. Self-event connections, in other words, are the evidence that something matters or mattered to you. They come from all areas of our life: our work, our family and friends, our recreation, our spiritual lives. 

To tell your story in a meaningful way, the first step is study yourself. That allows you to move to step two, which is discovering these self-event connections. Step three is to unpack what they mean. 

Once you’ve done that, you can weave the connections together in a way that’s meaningful to you and your audience. You can pick and choose which self-event connections you tell, based on what you’re trying to get across. You can engage with your listener, connect with them, and influence how they see you.

Put it Together

Once you learn how to tell your own story, your possibilities are endless. It doesn’t matter how old you are, where you live, or whether or not you have a degree. Learning to tell your story, and tell it well, is the most powerful way to show someone else who you are. 

With the right story, others can see you as competent, as capable, as authentic, because you’ll have given them the self-event connections to demonstrate those qualities. Whether you’re still in school, starting your career, or have been in the trenches for a long time, your well-told story can enhance your life. That is the power of story. And with some self-reflection and practice, it’s within your reach.

For more advice on how to develop and communicate your story, you can find Story Like You Mean It on Amazon.

Dr. Dennis Rebelo is a professor, speaker, and career coach. He is the creator of the Peak Storytelling model, his research-based method for crafting the narrative of who you are and what drives you and why, utilized by former professional athletes turned nonprofit leaders as well as entrepreneurs, CEOs, guidance professionals, and advisers throughout the world.

Dr. Rebelo, former president of Alex and Ani University and co-founder of the Sports Mind Institute, recently received the 2020 Thomas J. Carroll Award for Teaching Excellence at Roger Williams University. He currently resides in Rhode Island.