Were does a comma go?

This is a story about the trials and tribulations of a basic comma.

As a child, the comma's parents argued incessantly over his purpose or necessity in their lives.

His father, a boorish and often abrupt period, had no use for adjectives or adverbs. He never even used a single adjective in a sentence and certainly never more than one. Adverbs, in his narrow mind, were superfluous. When he said something, he was done. There was no need for “however,” “furthermore,” or anything that would belabor the point he had already made. Furthermore, since he was not a long-winded man, he never needed to “finally” get to the end of any statement or story. Additionally, because he was always resolute in his perspective, never elaborated on his point of view, nor ever offered an alternative, conjunctions had no purpose to him. He preferred short and concise statements that conveyed the least amount of emotion or explanation necessary. For those reasons and more, the elder punctuation mark found himself most comfortable in the context of business writing.

The poor comma’s mother was no more tolerant of her son. Though she was slightly more interesting than her husband, she was an insolent question mark of poor upbringing; the type that frequently shows up rhetorically or repeatedly, at the end of an inquiry more intent on communicating frustration rather than eliciting information. She was very content to be part of any communication where hostility was in high demand.

Being very self-important and having little interest in sharing the spotlight, neither parent had the patience for carrying the burden of a dependent or independent clause. On the matter of a dependent clause, they had no interest in having to finish, or be proceeded by, an incomplete thought. As for the independent clause, by the very nature of its own name, they were adamant that it should be able to stand on its own. Above all else, they held complete disdain for appositive nouns and nonrestrictive phrases. The very idea that anyone would include content that, by its very definition, is NONESSENTIAL was utterly ridiculous to them. ?

So, the young comma grew up insecure, feeling insignificant and unnecessary. The only ray of hope in his life was a flamboyant uncle, an exclamation point, with a great love for anyone fond of exaggerated prose and pretentious vocabulary. Unfortunately, with the rise of social media and text messaging, exclamation points became more and more prominent and in greater demand. Eventually, they would rise to a status coveted by all punctuation marks; they began to be used as a standalone form of communication. They no longer needed to be prefaced by words. They just appeared on their own, often ambiguous in their meaning but nonetheless superior to all other marks in their level of usage and popularity.

As the occasional role model of uncle exclamation point became less and less prominent in the young comma’s life, and as his parents became more and more hardened in their beliefs, the comma’s condition worsened. He developed deep-seeded self-contempt. He became problematic and disruptive. He frequently tried to find a place for himself in the world around him. Misguided, he became manipulative and passive-aggressive. At first, this behavior was an attempt to protect and self-nurture. But, as years went by, it developed into toxic behavior that made it increasingly difficult for him to maintain positive relationships. He would do his best to insinuate his way into any narrative, politely suggesting a simple “and” or a “but,” knowing all too well that either would ignite disagreement, debate, and aggravation — over where and when a comma was necessary — if the conjunction were used. He began to like this attention and so, for better or worse, he encouraged more and more disharmony among his peers. The more they argued, the more antagonistic he would become. This made him feel important.

However, the older he got and the more he saw of the world, the worse he felt about himself. After years of odd jobs, being overused and abused by some, and underused and ignored by most, he found steady work in the please read line of a well-known specialty medication. For the first time in his life, he felt truly important there. His purpose felt substantial (even though he knew his placement was grammatically incorrect). For a long time, he was complacent, and his anger went dormant. A few tranquil years passed. It didn’t last though. Eventually, an astute, overzealous proofreader determined him to be inappropriate and insisted that he be removed from the line. He was once again the subject of brief controversy and disagreement. Finally, legal and regulatory reviewers agreed that the comma could cause the statement to be misconstrued, thereby confusing the patient as to when they should talk to their doctor about the most serious warnings associated with their medication. With that decision, the comma was summarily removed from all please read lines and not just for that medication but for all medications in the portfolio. Jerked from his complacency and tranquility, unable to find a place even within the myriad of emails exchanged every day in normal business communication, he quickly reverted to feeling the loneliness and inadequacy of his youth, and his divisive habits resurfaced. ?He tried repeatedly to insert himself where he was not wanted and, eventually, he was cast off once again.

Nearing middle-age now and having lost the svelte shape of the lean Arial font that had once allowed him to charm his way out of the precarious situations he frequently put himself in, he took a hard look at himself and reluctantly began to accept the plump shape of the dreaded Times New Roman silhouette that stood staring back at him. Feeling great regret for the wasted years behind him, he decided to set out in search of the source of true confidence, security, and solidarity.

One night, while sitting in a bar, deeply engaged in an esoteric conversation with a hyphen, en dash, em dash, and a semicolon (where the only common ground they could find was general agreement that the exclamation point had become much too popular and obnoxious since the onset of social media and text messaging), the basic comma was introduced to an Oxford comma. She had a resilience to her that drew him in immediately. He could tell that she was the type that kept showing up whether she was wanted or not. She was very certain of her place and importance in any situation where things were listed in a series, and she was not one to be easily discarded. This had made her seem obnoxious to many, a bit excessive to some, and outright intrusive to others. It didn’t matter to her. She was very confident in herself, and that was very attractive to the downtrodden comma. The more they shared stories of their lives and experiences, the more the basic comma realized that the Oxford comma had endured far worse than him, but she had made a conscious decision to embrace her challenges in a more positive manner. It took him some time to make the adjustments necessary but, as their love grew and he began to develop trust in her and her perspective on life, he eventually found peace and contentment in the only place where it truly exists.

Ultimately, they both found happiness together. She gave up on the high pressure of the whole serial comma game, and they decided to settle down on a bank statement; the one place where everyone loves to see a comma. There they quietly multiplied as the years went by, indifferent to the debates that still raged on in copy rooms and coffee houses around the world about them and their correct placement and usage. They may never reach the heightened popularity of an exclamation point or serve the clear purpose of a period, nor would they ever be as important as a question mark – whether in efforts to resolve conflict and gain clarity or simply to make someone feel stupid in a condescending way. But they had each other, which was all they needed in the end.??