WE’RE ALL GREAT LISTENERS…EXCEPT WHEN WE’RE NOT

I see lots of posts and articles on LinkedIn about the importance of developing good listening skills. As a coach, I wholeheartedly agree that active listening and, beyond that, ‘global listening’ are skills that can be cultivated. Indeed, being able to really listen deeply, to get into another person’s world, is relevant for all parts of our lives. Most of us are now familiar with the idea of ‘listening to understand before seeking to be understood (Stephen Covey).

However, I’ve recently seen even more clearly that it’s just as important to uncover what gets in the way of being able to listen.

Here’s a quick thought experiment:

Think of someone you know or admire who you really listen to and who evokes curiosity in you. What is it about this person that activates such receptivity in you?

Then think of someone who you are quick to dismiss, judge or minimise (be honest, we all have such people. As above, what is it about this person that has you pull up the drawbridge?

On one level, such an experiment can reveal our biases, preferences, and values. For example, we are more likely to listen to someone whose political allegiances align with ours and vice versa with someone who we feel in opposition to.

However, on a deeper level, this experiment reveals one simple facet of what it is to be human:

We are always listening out for something. We are always and already listening based on our model of the world.

It was last weekend, when participating in the 40-hour immersive Landmark Forum training that I really saw this more deeply for myself. Indeed, having been around the block of personal development for over 20 years, I made an intention that over the course of the weekend, I would bring my best listening to the programme: I was conscious that it would be easy to compare what I was experiencing to what I thought I already knew, which would hinder the revelation of the blind spots that I know I have (we all have them). I’ve learned over the years that there is a whole domain of what I don’t know I don’t know (the definition of a blind spot), and it’s humbling to recognise that the more I learn, the less I actually know!

And this is where I saw a big fat juicy blind spot for myself.

Humans are built for survival. The brain is a pattern-matching machine, and we are unconsciously always looking for threats to our survival. In the modern world, however, we misuse this survival instinct.

As social creatures, we exist in relationships. We all have a need to belong. For our distant ancestors, our lives depended on it—if we were cast out from the tribe, we would perish very quickly, whether eaten by an animal or killed by a neighbouring tribe.

And so, I invite you to consider a scenario where you are in a conversation with another person.

Whether you are aware of it or not, you are always and already listening out for something, as shown in the image below:

Think about it: looking good is quite literally good for our survival, as is not looking bad.

I’ll repeat what I said above: we are social animals, and gaining the recognition, approval or validation of other people is really important to virtually all of us.

And this is where I saw I had a blind spot that I don’t like looking bad which plays out by holding back at times. This a reflexive defence mechanism, driven by unconscious patterns.

The Form that Looking Good / Not Looking Bad takes

When we engage in our day-to-day lives, we can assume that we are living in the present.

But we are not.

We are all living from the past, using all our experiences as a point of reference. The brain is always brain working at high speed to compare and contrast what is in our experience in the present to the databank of knowledge we have stored in the supercomputer. Indeed, our sense of who we are (our identity) has developed based on processing and assimilating all our experiences. And protecting this identity becomes our modus operandi. This is one hell of a protectionist racket. And if we don’t develop eyes for this, our identity becomes concretised (‘that’s just the way I am…’), and we get stuck in our ways, living into a self-fulfilling prophecy.

The kind of listening we end up coming from is unique to all of us but can take the form of:

·????? Agree / disagree

·????? Right / wrong

·????? True / false

·????? I Know (already)

·????? Trust / distrust

·????? Why?

·????? How?

·????? What’s the problem?

·????? What’s the solution?

·????? What’s the answer?

·????? What’s in it for me?

·????? What do they want?

·????? And our vast sea of opinions…

Now, this kind of listening is completely natural: we all do it.

But at what cost?

Well, as the image below shows, it interferes with our capacity to be truly present to the person in front of us. This also shows up when we scroll through social media or consume any kind of content (video, audio, written word). It takes conscious intention and development of both a skillset and an awareness to listen or engage from presence, curiosity, openness and possibility. Or should I say, unlearning – we were born with the capacity for pure presence – look at how young children model presence and curiosity.

If we develop eyes for the game we are unconsciously playing – looking good or not looking bad, and the sub-variants listed above - this already can liberate us from the tyranny of the past and create possibility. We can quite literally catch ourselves in the act. That alone can be powerful and can help us engage with more curiosity and openness.

Another Layer on Experience: State of Mind

A further layer that interferes with being more present is the quality of thinking we are having in the moment. As I have written about previously, the quality of our experience is shaped by the state of our mind: if we are feeling overwhelmed, stressed or feeling strong emotions in the moment, that acts as a distorting lens on what we are perceiving in the moment. Our state of mind can be open, like looking through a clean window out at the world. Or when we are in a low state of mind, it’s like looking through a filthy dirty window: the outside world (circumstances and other people) will look a certain way, but this is a twisted distortion of reality and what is.

So, combined with the listening we are always having, this further creates cognitive and experiential interference as below illustrates.

So what’s the answer?

?For me, as with so many aspects of life, all roads lead to cultivating our self-awareness:

1.??????? Acknowledging that we as human beings have a primitive need to look good / not look bad

2.??????? Recognising the specific kind of listening we bring to the world

3.??????? Catching our mind in the act on 1 and 2 above, which alone can bring us back to presence

4.??????? Seeing that if it is true for us, it is just as true for other people – understanding self as a route to understanding others

5.??????? Developing awareness for how the state of our mind shapes what we experience, which can help settle us down

Which creates a clearing for so much, as the image below shows.

And beyond this?

Well, I will finish with this teaser for a forthcoming post based on listening from presence and possibility. We have the power to purposely and intentionally create any kind of listening we choose. From this place, we can create possibilities for new ways of being in the world.

This is where our freedom and growth lies. This is where connection lives. This is where we can start creating based on what might be possible, free of the past. Yes, critical thinking skills, being able to distinguish, discern and challenge are still important, but we can bring a lightness to our enquiries and conversations. Of course, the past is a valuable reference point, but when we are more intentional, we can be more selective on what we draw on, transcending the need to look good or not look bad. This, in turn, creates a shift from an egoic focus on I and me to we and us. After all, who would we be without each other?

And from this place, we can cultivate:

A healthier relationship to self (who we think we are), and beyond that, connecting to our most authentic selves

A healthier relationship to others and the world around us

In conclusion, we can be great listeners (at times) and engage with the world with openness and curiosity (at times), but not as often as is possible.

For anyone looking to create a change in their life, whether developing their career, making a pivot, starting a business or following a dream, transcending the need to look good or avoid looking bad gets us on the pitch of life rather than watching from the stands. After all what have you got to lose? All that is required is a willingness to acknowledge that you do have blind spots, and in uncovering those, lies the expression of your full potential. Changing the habit of a lifetime (of being you) can feel daunting, but the rewards are endless.

?Thank you for reading.

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Hi, I’m Laurence, an ICF-accredited leadership and career coach based in Chorlton, Manchester. I help leaders and entrepreneurs take the next step in their career or business. For the rest of August I am offering a one off ?in-person 2-hour life strategy session for ￡99 where together we will build the foundations for creating meaningful change. I’ll send you a short questionnaire ahead of the session and you’ll leave with a practical action plan.

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