“Well, You Look Good!”: Masking and Allyship

When you “look good” for a?reason

A few weeks ago, I posted about going to my doctor and being told I “looked good” for having a sinus infection, only to realize I looked put together because I was masking.

For World Bipolar Day, a day aiming to bring world awareness to bipolar disorders and to eliminate social stigma, I wanted to discuss my bipolar journey with “masking,” or essentially, how I edit my external appearance and actions to cover for my internal experiences. Though World Bipolar Day has passed, Mental Health Month approaches. I hope this article brings something to keep in mind as we move through our lives and connect with our communities.

What is?masking?

So, what is masking? Masking involves consciously or unconsciously suppressing behaviors, attributes, or emotions that are part of someone’s identity. You may hear this term used with autism or ADHD. As we close Neurodivergent Celebration Week, I want to thank all the brilliant creators and professionals discussing this topic.

Masking can also happen for people with a variety of psychiatric disabilities like depression, anxiety, bipolar, and schizophrenia, as well as for people with non-apparent disabilities or other identities that they feel may need to be hidden because of safety concerns, stigma, or other reasons.

In many ways, masking allows you to “fit in” at work or school by concealing certain aspects of your identity. I do not want to speak for masking as a whole because it presents in as many ways as there are people and for as many reasons. What I thought would be helpful is to share what masking looks like for me personally as a bipolar woman when it comes to day-to-day interactions with colleagues.

The many masks I?wear

Because I am someone with bipolar disorder who experiences anxiety, depression, mania, and co-morbid anorexia, I mask in several different ways depending on where I am emotionally. Here are some examples of what may be happening “on the back end” when you are talking to me and I am experiencing the following:

Depression:

I am doing my best to focus intently and not zone out or stare at the wall and lose focus. I am trying my best to smile and laugh at the appropriate times without it seeming fake. Before seeing you, I probably went to the bathroom to check my hair and makeup to ensure I looked put together. I may be wearing brighter colors or lipstick to trick myself into feeling brighter internally. When I get home, I immediately take all my makeup and brightness off and move into pajamas, where I eat an easy and small meal on the couch watching TV for the rest of the night.

Anxiety:

When I talk to you, I am trying to listen and also focus on my breathing, trying to keep it consistent as a means to calm myself. I will also focus on my body to ensure I am not doing any noticeable anxious movements such as bouncing my knee, clenching my fists, or general fidgeting. When I get home, I will most likely be grumpy or agitated. I may cry, I may try to exercise, and I will most likely have a very difficult time eating dinner. I will do my best to force myself to go to bed at a reasonable time, which may or may not be successful.

Mania:

Before I see you, I will go into the bathroom to check my hair and makeup to ensure it doesn’t look too wild or exaggerated. I will try to make myself look more subdued because I will feel anything but. When talking to you, I will monitor the tone and register of my voice so that I am not talking fast, loud, and excitedly. I will try to control my movements so that I am not pacing. If I am in a larger meeting, I may ask to stand in the back of the room to help control my energy, and I may step out for frequent “bathroom breaks” that are really just me needing to leave and pace the hall for a bit. When I get home, I will do my best not to be overly active by doing simple stretches or cleaning. I will most likely not sleep well or much.

Anorexia:

I will be trying my best to focus on our conversation because, depending on where I am at in my struggle, I may be fatigued and malnourished. I will also try to focus on our conversation because I may be hyper-fixated about something that happened at a previous meal or other internal unhealthy numbers I may be obsessing over. If we do talk about food and calories, numbers, diets, fasting, or if someone uses value-based food words (“good,” “bad”), I will most likely be doing everything in my power to act naturally without spiraling into self-critical thinking. If we are eating and these come up, I will be working overtime to force myself to put food in my mouth and may completely lose track of the conversation. When I get home, I will be exhausted and likely not want to talk or interact for the rest of the night. Dinner will be difficult, and I will do it while distracting myself with something like TV.

The consequences of?masking

As you are most likely aware, masking is exhausting. It takes every ounce of energy to get through the day with all of these thoughts in your head simultaneously. Many times, this becomes too much. Yet, when someone has become prone to masking behaviors, they can begin to become second nature.

I have recently been coming to terms with the sheer amount of masking I do without realizing it. I would wonder why, when I consider myself an extrovert, I felt so exhausted at the end of the day. I would wonder why I couldn’t function as productively in my personal life when I get home. Why I couldn’t do things like cook, clean, or function as I do on days when I have extended free time without any professional interaction?

Unmasking is a terrifying, difficult thing to process when it is a life-long learned trait. Who am I when not masking? Will my colleagues, employers, and friends find me valuable and worthwhile?

How to?support

Even though these are huge questions, they barely scratch the surface. So, what can you do to help? Continue to learn. Learn about the diversity in our world. Remember that everyone has a story they are carrying that you don’t know. Remember that we have no idea what is happening one layer down.

Some people may never feel safe unmasking, and that is okay. It is not our place as friends, coworkers, or acquaintances to force this issue, which involves a personal and profound examination of one’s identity and trauma. All we can do as allies is be present and sit with someone as they are or as they need to be.

I admit I was nervous about providing this rundown. I am unsure if future interactions from people who have read this may feel calculated, coddling, or concerned. I worry that people may see my bright lipstick and tired eyes and treat me differently, fearing I am in a depression. In reality, I also just like bright lipstick and may have been up late with my dog.

Regarding reading the signs as an ally, I would say be careful. Trying to find the right signs and symptoms isn’t always helpful because they can look different for every person.

Instead, I recommend empathetic curiosity and active listening. Be available to connect if someone needs it, but allow support to be built naturally through compassionate connection. Remember that masking isn’t always because someone doesn’t trust you personally. Instead, it may be a deeply engrained response to keep a person safe after a lifetime of fear.

In conclusion

Listen, be present, be okay with silences, be flexible, and assume the best. We don’t know what is going on inside anyone’s mind. Kindness and patience can go a long way. Living a life masking and accepting its ripple effects is a heavy load.

So remember, when you start to worry about me, or the next person you fear is masking, remember: we are badasses. Think of all the things we are able to do at once, with so much noise, so much brain energy, and so much fatigue.

I wouldn’t call my disability a superpower; this diminishes so much of the hardships. But it has provided me incredible strength to get through the most challenging times, better understand myself and others, and listen to my body (whether I like it or not.)

Here is to all my bipolar baddies and neurodivergent pals: you are amazing.

To my supporters and allies “sitting by the swamp”: thank you.

What are you going to do to show your support?

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