“Well This Just Sucks!” How Self-Acceptance Can Get You Through Life’s Ups and Downs

Last week we talked about how Shawn Achor’s happiness habits can help reinforce our abilities to achieve self-acceptance – which, in turn, will help us build great careers and a happy life overall. So, doesn’t that stand to reason that these habits will inoculate us against stressful times and times when there is just no getting around unhappiness in all its forms?? Uh. Nope. Sorry.

The human experience is full of down moments that make you wonder, “Whatever will I do about this? Am I doomed to be grief-stricken for the rest of my life? I just don’t have the endurance or resilience necessary to absorb the impact of this shock.”

The weird thing is that our reaction isn’t always commensurate with the size of the stressor. We could miss a flight and roll with it. But we drop into utter meltdown if we miss the cross-town bus. We take the tragic phone call announcing the unexpected passing of a loved one in stride. But losing that love letter from decades ago sends us into spin cycle. We’re forced to face the fact that we just can’t understand ourselves. And the shame that goes along with that confusion only makes things worse.

We blame ourselves for whatever responsibility we might have that caused the bad thing or might have prevented it (“I could have seen it coming.”). And on top of that, we criticize ourselves for reacting to it so irrationally. “No ‘ugly cry’ allowed!” Or “everyone’s expecting me to cry and I just can’t.” Or, “Really? It was just a piece of paper. Not like anyone died or anything. Get a grip.” Or “If I were a better person, the circumstances wouldn’t have been set up for this horrible thing to happen.”)

Sorry, Shawn. No amount of gratitude journaling is going to get us past all life’s downs. There will come a time in all our lives when we’re faced with a situation that is so intolerable that we risk being swamped with unmanageable anxiety or depression, which in turn prompts us to reach for destructive coping strategies: avoidance, procrastination, substance abuse, violence in our relationships, you name it.

This is where self-acceptance must kick in.

Remind yourself that this terrible thing that is happening is not a reflection of your overall worthiness as a human being. Even if you did something to cause the chain of events that led up to this terrible circumstance, even if you did it on purpose, that doesn’t mean that you’re a horrible bag of humanity that deserves to be punished for all of eternity.

Remind yourself that the feelings generated by this terrible circumstance won’t last forever. The death of a loved one is forever, tragically. And you’ll always carry some mourning with you. But eventually, I hope, you’ll be able to stand tall against the grief again.

Investigate what learnings might be embedded in the painful situation. A reminder to be grateful for what you have? A reminder to be more fiscally responsible? A reminder to listen to your intuition when perhaps trusting the wrong person? A reminder to be your own hero when facing a conflict with someone who doesn’t care about your well-being?

The experts and thought leaders on self-compassion advise us to use adverse situations as opportunities to reframe negative occurrences and learn to even regard them as gifts. That might be a stretch. Shakespeare once said, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.” Easy for him to say. But he does have a point.

The events that happen to us in life – the “slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,” to quote another Shakespearean line – will come flying our way, no matter who we are, how rich or successful we are, or how perfect our personality might be.

I guess the good news here is that it’s a sign we’re still breathing and fully engaged in this business of being alive. Miss the bus. Or miss the plane that would have taken you to the deathbed of a loved one before it’s too late. It’s all going to suck. But the flip side is that you had somewhere you really wanted to go. And you have love in your life.

Lucky for you, you have yourself on your side to see yourself through life’s ups and downs.