Welcome to the ultimate subscription model for your new employee

Congratulations! You’ve passed the corporate gauntlet of interviews, and now it’s time for the real challenge—deciding just how much of your soul you’re willing to trade for a paycheck. But don’t worry, we’ve made it easy. Welcome to the Employment as a Service (EaaS) model, where your level of commitment depends entirely on the package your new employer is willing to pay for.

Need a warm body to sit in meetings and fill headcount for client billing? That’s Basic. Want someone who occasionally answers emails? Bronze. Expecting actual productivity? That’s going to cost you Silver. But if you need someone to work until their fingers bleed, never take vacation, and single-handedly prevent the entire company from imploding? Oh buddy, that’s Platinum, and your budget can’t afford it.

This satirical breakdown of employment packages perfectly encapsulates what it means to be a software architect in today’s corporate world. No more vague job offers—just clear, tiered service plans that let companies know exactly what they’re getting.

We’ll also cover essential job survival tips, like: ? How to negotiate a ridiculously inflated title so no one knows what you actually do. ? The science of doing the bare minimum while looking indispensable. ? Why the Basic+ package (which includes pretending to care about Secret Santa) is still better than full-time commitment. ? And, most importantly, how to charge premium rates for breathing inside a conference room.

So, before you accept your next offer, make sure you’re pricing yourself correctly—because the corporate world is already doing it for you. Want to laugh, cry, and rethink your career choices? Read the full article now!