WELCOME TO SANCTUARY COUNY CLUB

Welcome to Sanctuary Country Club!

They're coming to take me away ha-haaa ho-ho hee-hee. To the funny farm where life is beautiful all the time.

INITIATION FEES: In order to not discriminate and to level the playing field, perhaps every private member-owned club board and management team should consider the elimination of all initiation fees. Kaput! Gone! I mean, not everyone can afford those and that's unfair!?Right?

DUES: And, those dues!?Quite obviously the very existence of monthly dues is stiff-arming potential members and even providing fodder for existing members to leave. Dues? Nomas! They’ve got to go as well.

Of course there will always be a few well-heeled members who pay specialized tax accountants to find loop holes to deduct their dues from their fair share of taxable income! (Oh – thanks for reminding me. Nobody is paying any dues.)

MEMBERSHIP CLASSES: And – since there is now only one level of dues (None!) there is no need for all those various classes of membership! Better delete those pages of bylaws. No need for trying to slide into or transfer from one class of membership to another. Why bother? All for one and one for all!

BOARD MEETINGS: No more precious time at board meetings being gobbled up in deciphering those confusing ratios of how long someone has been a member and their age. No more counting miles away from the club or what a member’s primary place of residence really is to see if they qualify for non-resident dues. No need for any of that now!

MENUS: The menus must also be completely reengineered! To make sure we are all paying our fair share there will be two sets of menus handed out in order to not discriminate. The exact same menu items of course! But one with Men's prices and the other Women's.?(Women’s pricing will be 83.65 cents per every one dollar on the men’s menus.)

Of course, a very small percentage of members will be given the option of choosing which menu they want to identify with on any given day.

FOH COMPENSATION: Server compensation must also be revamped. Waiters will receive an automatic service charge of 18% while waitresses 21.5%.

MENU-CAID: And, for any members who feel they simply cannot afford to eat in the club at all --- "Menu-Caid" can be applied for and reviewed case by case by the board of directors.?(Gives a whole new meaning to un-priced menus.)

SIZE MATTERS: And, you know, on the golf course not everyone can afford Big Bertha drivers!?So, those will be banned.?How embarrassing to be the only one on the tee without one!?Size does matter! Those with smaller drivers … well, that might keep some from taking up the game at all.

CARTS: And, what about those carts??Such otherwise privileged folks should have to walk like everyone else!

AUTO CLASS WARFARE: And - what about all those shiny new Beemer's in the parking lot? Some potential golfers may be too embarrassed to take up the game! It’s bad enough to have a tiny driver as well as being seen driving an old Plymouth to the club!?Not fair!

To avoid this auto class warfare, no personal cars allowed!?Everyone must UBER to the club! Better yet, just put up a “No Parking” sign at the entry drive of the club.

PRIME REAL ESTATE: The reclaimed prime real estate located close to the clubhouse, (That used to be expansive paved surfaces to accommodate fossil-fueled emission cars!) can now be converted to an open natural habitat for spotted owls and organic vegetation.?(In Colorado – perhaps cultivating medical marijuana fields?)

Forget about Sanctuary Cities. Why not become a Sanctuary Country Club!?Just to make sure we are all paying our fair share and playing by the same rules.

WELCOME TO SANCTUTARY COUNTRY CLUB!

Where there is no initiation fee. No dues. Where age and zip codes are irrelevant. Equitable menu pricing. (Including un-priced menus subject to board approval!) Where all member’s clubs are all the same size. Where the?“No Parking” and “No Carts Today”?signs are posted every day. Where no personal ultimate driving machines are allowed.?Where you are surrounded by spotted owls, otherwise threatened species and thriving organic delights! But, wait! There’s more!

WOW!?There are plenty of potential members out there who would pay a great deal to belong to a club like this!?

Oh - yeh ... I forgot ... it's "free."