Welcome to the not-so-fun house of mirrors

Dear friend, coaches love using metaphors to explore and unpack complicated challenges and situations. One of the metaphors I commonly use with clients regarding toxic and unhealthy bullies, colleagues or gaslighters is the "not-so-fun house of mirrors." The conversation usually goes something like this...

Them: This situation is really getting to me. I can feel the negative effects of their putdowns and intimidation tactics.

Me: Everyone's mental landscape is like a funhouse of mirrors. Some people's funhouses don't feel fun at all. But it's as if they've gotten lost in their funhouse for so long that they don't see how warped their view is. So, no matter how many times you try to show them an honest reflection of who they are, what they are saying or what the situation is (objectively speaking), they are always going to insist on twisting things.

Here are some additional thoughts depending on your situation:

• Deflection and distraction: Sometimes, these people will turn the tables on you to 1) distract you from holding them accountable for their behaviors and their warped views and 2) deflect from having to talk about their own end of the bargain. "Don't you see how twisted YOU are? I'm not the one with the funny mirrors and vision... you are! How dare you accuse me of being the problematic one..."
• Resistance to change: Sometimes, these perpetrators will try to force you to walk into their funhouse and stay because it is easier to convince you to conform to their ways. They have gotten comfortable in their warped nature, and they are not about to be undone. "But my way is the right way! You're making me feel guilty... Coddle me and protect my vision; I don't want you to show me that there's a healthier approach."

You have to remind yourself to listen to your conscience, and to confer with your own reflection (all puns intended).

A similar metaphor that I'll say from time to time is, "Some people will light a ring of fire around them and invite you to step in and dance or spar with them. Remember that you never have to, no matter how many times they try to bait you to step into the ring. Sometimes they'll use all kinds of tactics, such as telling you it's not even that hot or dangerous, or that you're being a wuss by rejecting their invitation. The key is to identify irrational and malicious behavior, and to avoid it at all costs."

When I ask my clients why they always feel the need to enter the warped funhouse or the ring of fire, they typically respond with the following statements:

• I'm a recovering people-pleaser, so it's hard for me to say no, even when I know a person or a situation isn't good for me.
• I think I'm too trusting of people. I don't always recognize harmful tactics and intentions until it's too late.
• They just know exactly how to wear me down, or how to push my buttons!
• I want to advocate for myself and to fight back--but I also know that sometimes, I am being reactionary... that it's not a worthy hill to die on.

It can take time to unpack why you may feel drawn to a certain persona, dynamic or experience. It may also take some work in therapy or coaching to identify these patterns and how they may hold you back from the life you want to live. I encourage you to have an honest dialogue with yourself if you've found that you're in a funhouse of someone else's making, or of your own. Self-awareness is the first step to self-actualization.

Closing Words & Invitations

My Room for Us meetup group will be hosting a series of (free) community forums this spring:

• April 25, 7pm ET: Late ADHD Diagnosis Community Forum
• May 7, 7pm ET: Juggling Stress with Anxiety and Depression Community Forum
• May 22, 12pm ET: Advocating for Yourself at Work Community Forum

Please sign up or spread the word if these topics resonate with you and/or your circle. We are hoping to have deep and supportive conversations in each of these programs.

*As always, if you want to speak 1:1, you can always book a Discovery Call to inquire about my coaching and healing modalities. Additionally, I recently debuted a new ad hoc coaching option for folks who want quick job search support. Take a look at my calendar for more information.

Warmly,

Phim