Welcome to my newsletter, Emotional Intelligence with Daniel Goleman

I’m delighted to share with you matters close to my heart, ideas that I find stimulating, and some practical tips and leads that you might find useful. At the core, of course, you’ll find emotional intelligence. But my interests also go far beyond; you’ll get a taste of that range here. PLUS news you can put to use in your life or work – or in both. Please join me each month.

First, an announcement...

Join me for a 4-week, virtual course: Essentials of Emotional Intelligence. In this course, you will learn practices and strategies for developing your EI Toolkit. This course will include four, one-hour live sessions starting on Wednesday, September 30 (October 7, 14, 21) at 10:30 a.m. PT / 1:30 p.m.EST. The first 100 people to sign-up will have a chance to be among those who get 1:1 time with me live. Sign up here to get notified when registration opens.  

Now, let's dive in...

How to Listen so People Will Talk, and Talk so People Will Listen

“She said, ‘If you cut off what I’m saying one more time, I’m done,’ the CEO of a small tech firm told me about his wife. That was a wake-up call: the CEO realized this was a habit not just in his marriage, but with his direct reports.

“I feel pressured by all the demands on my time,” the CEO explained. “Yet I can see things would go better if I took a few moments to listen, not just take over the conversation.”

Being a poor listener is an all-too-common part of any relationship where one person has more power than the other.

A classic study of patients and doctors at the University of Rochester found, for example, that while patients were waiting to see the doctor they had an average of four questions in mind to ask. After their visit with the doctor, they had actually been able to ask, on average, just one-and-a-half. 

Why? After about 18 seconds of listening to the patient, physicians interrupted and took over the rest of the conversation.  And that pattern happens all too often at work, with the more powerful person talking, not listening.

More recent research at the University of California finds that when two people talk, the more powerful person pays less attention than does the less powerful one.  The person with the power looks at the other person less, interrupts more, and takes over the conversation.

There’s a better way to listen and to speak:

• Be present. A classic article in the Harvard Business Review, called “The Human Moment at Work,” advises us to turn away from our screens, turn off our inner monologue and pay full attention to the person in front of us.
• Let them say what they need to. That is, don’t cut the other person off. Give them the air time they need.
• Be sure you understand. You can use “reflective listening,” where you repeat back in your own words what you hear the other person saying. Include how they feel. Let them clarify, until you get it right.
• Say what you think. Express what’s true for you. Here it helps to tune into yourself, being mindful of your feelings and giving yourself time to let your thoughts take shape.

Finally, express yourself honestly. There are four parts to this:

1. What you observe – a neutral restatement of what’s going on
2. Your feelings
3. What you want or need – what’s important to you
4. A request that would help fulfill your need.

Here’s an example taken from a website about “non-violent communication,” the method developed by the late Marshall Rosenberg:

Feeling: “I feel irritated…?

Observation: …when I see you’ve returned my car with an empty gas tank.?

Request: Would you fill it up by tonight? ?

Your Need: I want to trust that I can get to work tomorrow.”

Give it a try.

(Another version of this blog was published at CNBC.com)

Next up...

School Starting Up Again

School kids in many cities and towns are heading back to school in the Fall, with tremendous uncertainty about their safety and how exactly schools will hold sessions. 

Kids everywhere are feeling anxious about what will happen in the Fall, let alone their fears about COVID, and missing hanging out and playing with friends.

This is exactly the sort of concern that led a group of us to found the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning, CASEL.org.  And CASEL has created a roadmap for educators and concerned others about how best to handle school reopening.

I Recommend...

Check out these videos made for caregivers but also of benefit for anyone who wants a guided meditation practice.

CARE for CAREGIVERS: Skills for Resilience Through Meditation & Mindful Movement

These instructional videos are on a YouTube channel from Garrison Institute.

Their description: In the middle of the COVID pandemic, Garrison Institute set out to make a video that would be beneficial for all caregivers who are working in the midst of yet another major crisis and have no time to care for themselves, let alone attend training for self-care and resilience. Free and available to all those who would benefit from short, portable, and accessible practices to help then sustain their resilience and wellbeing while serving in the midst of a crisis.

and...

A reminder, for those wanting a deep dive into the inner meaning of a purpose-driven life in business, this “inner MBA” program offers just that. 

A nine-month series of online presentations (I’ll be one of almost 30 presenters) gets you a certificate from NYU Mindfulness. To learn more, go here.

A GREAT NEW BOOK

Leading With Feeling: Nine Strategies of Emotionally Intelligent Leadership. It’s by my fellow co-director of the Consortium for Research on Emotional Intelligence in Organizations, Cary Cherniss, with Cornelia W. Roche. Full of great examples and practical advice.

LAUGHTER: THE BEST MEDICINE

To brighten your mood, try this...