Welcome to The Gap

At some point in time almost all of us experience moments when the stressors of life seem to exceed our coping mechanisms. In fact, a 2022 study found that about half of Americans (52%)?and on average around 3 in 5 participants across all 34 countries (60%) report that they have felt stressed to the point where they felt like they could not cope or deal with things at least once in the past year. These stressors are different for everyone but can be related to work, relationships, finances, health, or other life events. For some, they may result in a flashes of emotions such as anger, sadness, or fear, a sudden change in behavior, or a long-term chronic response such as anxiety, depression, or addiction.?

The experience of our stressors significantly exceeding our coping mechanisms is what Executive Coach and Psychotherapist, Rivka Geoghegan, MFT refers to as “the gap.”??

What is the Gap?

Stress is a natural response to challenging situations. In moderation, it can even be beneficial by helping us stay alert and focused. However, when stress becomes overwhelming or chronic, it can have negative effects on our health - physical and mental, and emotional.

It’s important to understand that our time in “the gap” has a significant physiological component. Our body goes into survival or fight or flight mode and our body reacts. It can’t be emphasized enough that mental illness is not a character flaw nor is it a moral failing. It is no more our fault than breaking an arm or catching the flu. (Well, if the broken arm occurred after saying, “Hold my beer, watch this” then there may be a loophole here.)?

When we face too many stressors at once or for an extended period, it can overwhelm our coping mechanisms. In an acute moment, you may feel anxious or panicky, have shortness of breath, or experience chest pains. However, chronic stress can also lead to a state of constant tension, anxiety, difficulty concentrating, and exhaustion, making daily functioning more challenging. Additionally, prolonged exposure to high levels of stress can increase the risk of, or exacerbate,? mental health problems such as anxiety disorders, depression, and even post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).?

What Happens in the Gap?

Under normal periods of stress, we likely have our own techniques to cope with what we are experiencing. However, when we are in “the gap,” these mechanisms might not be enough to help counter the physiological effects of our response to stress. When this occurs, it’s often accompanied by behavior shifts: declines in productivity, (emotional instability) outbursts of irritability or anger, difficulty in focusing, or inability to motivate oneself.

To give an idea of what this feels like in real-time, here is an experience I recently had. In the midst of a multi-day event where I was operating not only under an enormous amount of stress but with very little sleep and not a lot of food - a logistical item went wrong. Candidly, it was something simple, but it was a tipping point for me. During this time, I found it more difficult to describe and express my emotions. I was in “the gap,” which resulted in a colleague feeling my unbridled wrath. As I reflect on the experience, what is most interesting to me is that intellectually I was aware of the warning signs - but not only did I not possess the ability to stop the reaction -? I also didn’t possess the technique at the moment to effectively relieve the symptoms...? and I certainly wasn’t able to ask for help. My thinking was completely jumbled. It was only when another colleague recognized I was in distress and brought me some chamomile tea (and after I drank 3 cups) did my thinking clear. I was then able to properly process and understand my stress response.

During that time, I found myself unable to help myself, unable to ask for help. I was stranded in “the gap.”

How Do We Climb Out of the Gap?

Healthy coping skills can help protect us from distress and navigate problems before they become more serious and push us into “the gap.”?

It’s important to understand that everyone’s coping mechanism might look different. Personally, I have strict self-imposed boundaries: no going out two nights in a row, an early bedtime, and never skipping breakfast - none of which occurred during the event. If you anticipate that you are going to be in a situation where your boundaries are going to be violated, identify techniques in advance that can help you mitigate, or even avoid, the stress or unease you could experience. These strategies may include seeking support from friends and family, engaging in relaxation techniques (such as deep breathing), practicing mindfulness, walking away from the situation to decompress, or seeking professional help from therapists or counselors who can help you identify techniques that work for you.

An important part of my own experience that helped me navigate my stress was the colleague who came to my assistance. She recognized I was in distress and didn’t?ask?what I needed; she knew me well enough to?know?what I needed. If she had asked, “Do you need anything” - as so many well-meaning people do - my answer would have been “no” - because at that moment I didn’t know what I needed. Answering that simple question was just too much for me.

?Being able to build these types of connections with colleagues looks a little different for everyone, but this is why it is so important to openly talk about mental health, just as easily as we would talk about that broken arm. Because we had talked about my stress and reactions to it, she knew me. If you don’t know where to begin when engaging in this type of conversation, start with one person you trust and go from there.

As we all navigate our own unique stressors that life throws our way, we might find ourselves in “the gap.” Remember, try your best to calm your nervous system. Some techniques to consider trying are deep breathing, physical activity, eating well-balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and staying hydrated. A healthy body is better equipped to handle stress. And as I learned, surround yourself with trusted individuals who can help you make your way out and most of all, don't judge yourself for being there. Stress is part of life and it affects us all. If we can release the shame we feel when we get overwhelmed by it, we will be able to respond more affectively with support and acceptance.?

?Now that I am armed with the vocabulary, “I’m in the gap” - I feel much more confident in my ability to close the gap sooner and hit the reset button. I hope that sharing my experience and coping mechanisms are helpful to those who also find themselves in “the gap.”

Thanks to Rivka Geoghegan and Rachel Dix-Kessler for their assistance with this article.

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Get Immediate Help in a Crisis

Call 911 if you or someone you know is in immediate danger or go to the nearest emergency room.

988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline

Call or text 988; Llame al 988 (para ayuda en espa?ol)

Use Lifeline Chat on the web (English only)

The Lifeline provides 24-hour, confidential support to anyone in suicidal crisis or emotional distress. Call or text 988 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.?

Veterans Crisis Line

Use Veterans Crisis Chat on the web

The Veterans Crisis Line is a free, confidential resource that connects veterans 24 hours a day, 7 days a week with a trained responder. The service is available to all veterans and those who support them, even if they are not registered with the VA or enrolled in VA healthcare.

The Trevor Project

The Trevor Project's mission is to end suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning young people. If you are an LGBTQ young person in need of support, reach out to one of their crisis counselors, available 24/7.

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Maryalice has been leading, coaching, and generally encouraging people for over 30 years in the fields of hospitality, human resources, and training & development. Currently, she is the Vice-President of Administration & Talent for QED Investors .