Be weird: the trick to finding a good job (or the love of your life)

I've worked in the field of online dating for over 12 years, and I've been a hiring manager for most of that time. The advice I give to job seekers and online daters is the same: be yourself, above all else. Don't shy away from the stuff that makes you weird. It's actually your best asset.

An interesting point of data that I learned during my time at OkCupid was that the most popular people on the site were unique folks with strong personal style that didn't appeal to everyone but really appealed to some (think: folks with esoteric hobbies or lots of tattoos). That strong, positive reaction from a smaller group actually resulted in more messages overall. The generically attractive folks had broader appeal, but got less messages because nothing really made someone sit up and say "I HAVE to get to know that person".

It also works in the reverse. Anyone who couldn't accept me as I am could never truly love me for ME. If I try to hide my uniqueness and be more generically attractive, it's like I'm tricking the other person into being interested in a fake version of myself. It's very tempting to do this, especially today. There's huge pressure from social media and popular culture to look and act a certain way, but no one is generic. Everyone has quirks.

Job seeking works exactly the same way (with the caveat that your uniqueness in this context needs to be professionally presented and appropriate- more on that later). As a hiring manager, I look for people who have a strong sense of self: I want to work with people who have deeply held beliefs, interesting perspectives, and diverse lived experiences. I don't want people to tell me what they THINK I want to hear: I want folks who tell it like it is.

In order for a long-term relationship to work (whether it be in love or work), you need true compatibility. Surface attraction might work at the beginning (that cute photo on a dating app, or the resume that is perfectly written) but it's not a good indicator of long-term success. In order to build a team that works well together, and has high engagement and retention, it's not just about the skills needed, but also about compatibility with the job duties, the other people on the team, the company culture, and the long-term plan for the department. You only know that those areas are a match when you get to know someone for who they really are.

If you have the time and luxury to be choosy when job searching, I encourage you to lean into your unique qualities, and see what happens when you voice them early in the interview process (or in a cover letter). You may get less initial calls from recruiters, but the ones who you do hear from will be more enthusiastic and more interested in you for YOU.

As a concrete example: my current team is very small, and has been completely overhauled in the last few years. We have a lot of documentation, but we don't have organized onboarding processes (because we're a small team, and creating those would take us away from work that is critical to our users). In order for someone to thrive on our team, they need to be highly curious, not afraid to ask questions, not intimidated to suggest ideas, and to actually enjoy process improvement and fixing stuff. In a huge company with very mature processes, someone like that would go crazy pretty quickly, but they'd thrive on my team. Likewise, I won't hire someone who needs a lot of structure or who is too easy-going, but they may thrive in a larger org with a lot of bureaucracy.

As another example: I'm a heavily tattooed woman. I've been asked many times by well-meaning folks "but what about work? You'll never be able to get a professional job like that". And my answer is always this: if a hiring manager cares more about how I look than how I perform at work and what my accomplishments are, I don't want to work for them. It's actually an excellent way to screen for companies and people that won't be a good mutual fit.

As a hiring manager, it's so important to make the interview process (and team dynamic) safe for people to express these things about themselves. Be vulnerable yourself and describe both the pros and cons of the job or the company. Have as diverse a group as possible interview the candidate (because folks are much more likely to be honest when they're speaking with someone with a similar lived experience).

People of color (among other groups) are often exhausted at work by having to code switch, but it's also what may them from being discriminated against and looked over even more than they already are. Hiding or diminishing your identity can be a very necessary thing to survive. As a manager, it's your role to support, uplift, and protect your team so that they can feel comfortable and safe being themselves, but not to judge them if they can't share everything.

It's also important to keep all of this within the bounds of professionalism and work-appropriateness. Nobody should be expected to share their entire life story, their mental health status, their sexual orientation, their neurodiversity, or anything else personal to them unless and until they feel safe (and that may be never, and that is ok). Oversharing incredibly personal details about yourself is never a good idea. And your unique and weird qualities in your personal life may not be appropriate for work, ever.

There's no "wrong" way to be (as long as you're a good person), and it's in your best interests (and the company hiring you) for you to be your true self in the interview process. Lean in to being a stickler for rules, or a nosy busybody, or someone who works best at night. Tell the hiring manager what you like and don't like, what you're good at and bad at, and most of all what you expect from them.

Celebrate who you are. Be weird. Be fabulous. Not every job will be right for you when you become less generic, but you'll be much more likely to find The One.