The Weight of Leadership: Why Understanding Death Is Vital for Decision-Making

On November 11th 2023, one of my best friends sent me a text she never wanted to write. A text I never wanted to read.

Her husband was unresponsive.

For the past 11 months, they fought a vicious battle against stomach cancer.

This man was the kind who invited other men to early morning workouts. Who tilled the land to grow healthy food. Who served as a healthcare provider, healing the sick.

This man was strong.

He empowered others by teaching financial university courses at our church. He served on the city council. He and his wife were beginning to build a nonprofit to serve vulnerable women in crisis pregnancies.

This man was a leader. A role model for so many.

Our kids played hours together while they underwent chemo treatment after chemo treatment, battling this disease full force.

During the days he was still working, he needed lunches that would be easy on his stomach.?

My friend would have ingredients for chicken soup delivered to my door. I’d use them to pressure can jars of shelf-stable lunches he could keep at work. We’d regularly make trips to fill their freezer with dinners, helping take the stress of meal planning off her shoulders.

They diligently fought the toughest fight I’d ever seen, with unbreakable determination I’ll forever admire.

But the cancer was too aggressive. His care turned to home hospice.

And now he was unresponsive.

When I read that text, I called her immediately and asked if I could pray with her. After we said “amen,” a long silence filled the phone call.?

Not knowing what to say - hearing only her quick, shallow breath - I finally asked if I could visit.

The drive to their farm was a heavy one. The ride up their driveway looked like every time before. However, this visit felt undeniably different.

Except for their littles who were playing at a friend’s, the whole family was there. Solemnly, they busied themselves with housework or quietly assembled Christmas presents.?

He laid in their bed. Unresponsive. Only a few squeezes of his wife’s hand and a strained request for pain medication.

The morning was a balance of trying to live normal life while also processing what was happening.

My friend and I took a few moments to go outside and feel the sunshine. We planted a bed of garlic.?

When her mother shouted “HELP,” we raced back in.

He had tried to get out of bed but fell. The men placed him back where he was. We reassembled his tubes.

Hearing him gasping to breath, seeing the machines supporting his body, knowing he was still trying to muster the same energy he was used to - this wasn’t the scene we prayed for at all.

One of the last things he told his wife just the day before was he didn’t want anyone giving up hope.?

We honored his request.

We were the last ones pleading to God for a miracle. To surge his body with power.

Not being naive to the situation at hand, but respecting what he said. Clinging to the hope he specifically asked us to keep.

But the moment the men tried to move him from their marriage bed to the hospice bed with a railing to prevent another fall, his body vomited and stopped.

He was gone.

The wailing of grief flooded the room.?

Forever loving her husband, my friend set to removing his soiled shirt. We fetched the scissors. His wife and adult son worked as a team to cut it from his body. They cleaned him up.

I took the shirt to the washing machine so it could be saved for her keeping. It was the shirt we changed him into earlier that day after cleaning a spill from the feeding tube attached to his stomach.?

It was one of my friend's favorite shirts. Now cut up and waiting to be one of the last loads of her husband’s laundry she’d ever wash.

The rest of the evening was spent meeting hospice team members, a chaplain, our pastor - and lastly the funeral home worker with the vehicle to take his body away.

His young children were brought to the house. They were met on the porch. It was there that they learned their daddy had died.?

They were asked if they wanted to say goodbye before his body was taken to the place it’d stay until the funeral.?

They spent just a brief moment in the room and then rushed away, wanting to hold to some sort of normal by watching tv.?

Having been their Sunday school teacher for years, I sat with them and stared at the tv. Holding their hands. Spending the time.

Meanwhile, the rest of the family had their last moments before his body left their home for the last time.

The gurney took him away.

My friend and I then took the kids for an overnight stay at a hotel. A fresh space.

While she got the first shower she had in days, I helped put her 4 year old and 7 year old to bed.?

They asked for a bedtime story. Something their dad did for them every night.

I told them about the strongest man who ever lived. How he was so brave and fought so hard! How he was able to go to the strongest place you could be.

Heaven.?

We talked about how that was the perfect place. The place he could be with Jesus but also by their side.

How he was forever proud. How he was forever there, watching his son and daughter grow up to be the oldest man and the oldest woman.?

Forever at their side.?

After the longest day, they finally fell asleep.

I never imagined to spend a day like that. However, if it had to happen, I wouldn't ask to be anywhere else.?

To be so angry that the God of miracles didn’t give him one!?

But also so grateful my friend didn’t have to be alone, experiencing the worst day of her life.

That day is the heaviest one I can remember. But if it had to happen, I’m grateful for the experience it gave me.

Leaders should know the weight of loss.

Leaders should understand the hole that forms when a life is lost. When a spouse is lost. When a parent is lost. When someone’s son or daughter is lost. When a strong member of the community is lost.

In the realm of leadership, decisions carry immense consequences. Whether in politics, business, or any sphere of strong influence, the weight of choices made at the top reverberates throughout society.?

At the heart of these decisions lies a crucial yet often overlooked consideration—the value of life and the weight of death.

Leadership isn't merely about steering policies or strategies; it's about navigating the delicate balance between progress and humanity. The choices made at the top can tip the scales between prosperity and devastation. This delicate equilibrium demands a strong understanding of the value of human life and the immense force felt with untimely human loss.

Understanding the weight of death isn't merely acknowledging mortality; it's comprehending the human cost of tough decisions.?

Every policy, directive, or action can have far-reaching consequences on lives. From healthcare policies to economic strategies, from military decisions to environmental regulations, each choice has the potential to shape the destiny of countless individuals.

Leaders must comprehend the depth of loss, the grief that follows, and the irreversible impact of decisions that risk human lives.

This understanding shouldn't paralyze them but rather inform their choices. Urging them to exercise caution, empathy, and foresight in their decision-making processes.

History is filled with instances where a lack of comprehension of this weight led to catastrophic outcomes. Wars waged without thought to civilian casualties, corporate decisions disregarding worker safety, or policies that ignore the vulnerable—these are stark reminders of the dire consequences when leaders overlook the risk of loss in communities.

Moreover, leaders need to cultivate empathy—an understanding that goes beyond numbers and statistics, acknowledging the individuality of every life affected by their choices. It's about envisioning the faces, stories, and aspirations behind the policies and strategies drafted in boardrooms or halls of power.

In essence, comprehending the weight of death doesn't mean being ruled by fear but rather by responsibility. It's a call for wisdom, prudence, and a moral compass that leads to decisions that best protect those under their care.

Ultimately, leaders are entrusted with the profound responsibility of shaping a better tomorrow. This responsibility should serve as a constant reminder to never allow the waste of life due to unthoughtful decisions or harmful inaction.?

The mark of great leadership lies not just in accomplishments but in the preservation and enhancement of life, ensuring that decisions made today pave the way for a more equitable, just, and humane future.

As leaders ascend to higher positions, their comprehension of the weight of loss must also strengthen.

That isn’t to say you should seek opportunities to witness death like some sort of educational field trip.

But if you shy away from the hard and ugly parts of life in order to protect your own comfort, leadership isn’t for you.

It's not just about the power leaders wield; it's about the responsibility they shoulder and the lives they impact. May their decisions always honor the value of life and never lead to the unnecessary waste of precious human existence.

In loving memory of Aaron, one of the best men I've ever met.