The weight of expectation - some initial reflections from working in and around children's services and social work

I am coming up for six months in my latest role as Service Improvement Lead for Children’s services at Kent County Council. I’ve been itching to write about my experience so far, but something has been holding me back. Probably the same thing that I think might have been holding me back in how I undertake my role.

I have found being exposed to the world of children’s services and social work a hugely humbling, and at times intimidating experience. Starting a role like this in both the context of the impact of the pandemic and large-scale review of children’s care taking place at national level is daunting enough, but as I’ve spoken to each new colleague and learnt about each new service for children, young people and families I’ve come to realise that my real challenge isn’t a professional one; it’s a personal one.

In my previous role, it was a real hobby-horse of mine that social care for older adults was a taboo subject in society. Yes we talk about the need to reform social-care, that there needs to be more money, but we rarely talk about either the specifics of what needs to change nor the fundamental reason it exists. Deep down, I feel like as society we don’t like entertaining the idea that we might have failed at being good children in not being able to look after our parents or other adult family members. This guilt makes it hard to look closely at the flaws in the system because it could mean that whatever we see that might distress us is also something we’ve been complicit in allowing to happen.

Being exposed to the world of children’s services, I feel like I’m being exposed to an even deeper taboo or personal fear – that of failing to be a good parent. Whereas I believe there is a collective recognition and understanding of the insecurity about being a good son, daughter or child, I’m not sure I see the same collective societal identity and understanding amongst parents. My theory is this is partly because being a parent is a more active and responsible role than being a child, and is so from the get-go – we have years to explore our identity and relationship as a child to a parent; partly that we are all children, but we’re not all parents so collective identity is actually impossible; and partly that the role of being a parent to a child is judged by society far more than the role of being a child to a parent.

Being a parent to a child is far more likely to feel lonely than being a child to a parent (though I fully recognise not always).

To fail as a son or daughter is highly subjective and rarely leads to harm or death. To fail as a parent can also be subjective, but there are also tangible accepted standards that if not met can lead to harm or death.

You’d think then that any sort of additional help and support with this role would be welcomed and treasured, but from my experience so far this feels very far from the case. After carrying out some interviews with social work colleagues, it has struck me how conflict, abuse and lack of value characterises far too much of their working experience, even where the help and support they are providing is literally changing and saving lives. I’ve been wondering why this is.

Expectation. I believe that we as a society expect parents to be excellent at their role, no matter what the circumstance, and we are very unforgiving of context, be it health, economic situation, geography or social standing. It is an expectation that weighs heavy on all parents but for many it is a weight that is far more difficult to bear. I fear that more often than not, it is the expectation of being a good parent that is more difficult to cope with than the reality of being a good parent. In this context, to ask for or need help when others do not can quite simply look like an admission of failure, that “I am not good enough”. This is perhaps one of the worst and most debilitating feelings a human being can endure, so it is perhaps unsurprising that rather than asking for/getting help feeling like a relief, it could also feel like rubbing salt into a wound.

Nothing for me demonstrates the stark difference between the guilt and judgement faced by children looking after parents versus parents looking after children than how readily acceptable it is for older generations to be placed in care homes compared to how terrible it is to have children separated from their parents and placed into care.

Where am I going with all this?

Honestly I’m not sure! Firstly I think I felt the need to share what I’m seeing and thinking – I’m a big fan of working out in the open and I’ve felt very self-conscious not sharing my experiences so far. Secondly, in a role where I have “service improvement” in my job title, I’m increasingly itching against the constraints of those words and wonder just how much can actually be achieved for children, young people and families by just “improving services”. The more I look around, the areas where I feel like I can make a difference are less coming up with bright ideas for/new ways of doing things better, and more about creating better conditions for colleagues to be the best they can be. Finally it is the nagging thought that the real gains here aren’t around “reforming social care and children’s services”, but around actively changing societal mindsets around what it means to be parent, creating better understanding and empathy for the pressures faced by different parents, and making sure our family, friends and neighbours know that they are not alone and it is ok to ask for help.

As always, I welcome any and all comment, reflection and challenge. This is a new area for me and I am totally invested in being a positive addition to my colleagues network of support rather than a burden, so anything that advances that ambition I am grateful for.