Weekly Wisdom #18

This week's wisdom is in honor of Mother's Day and more importantly, in honor of my own children, who have taught me more than they will ever know. Thanks to Nicolas Doerr and Alexa Doerr for the following:

I've learned what a deep bond looks like

I got a call from a friend this morning just to catch up on some major life struggles our families are facing. I let him know that both of my children had just left on a road trip back to my daughter's college. She talked her brother into driving back with her for her last week of school and remain until the rest of the family arrived for graduation.

I lamented to my friend that these two have ALWAYS been there for each other. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to think of a time when they really fought. They may have had a few minor disagreements over the years, but none that I can even bring to memory.

In recent years, I've learned of ways they have supported each other in times I didn't even know. They celebrate each other's accomplishments without jealousy. I see a deep appreciation for what each brings to the table in their relationship. I don't know if they actually say it to each other, but I can feel it.

I only hope I could claim some part of this bond. My experience is different so I don't have a base from which it would have been built. If I'm truthful, they did it on their own. I am blessed by watching how they show up for each other, in both good and hard times.

I've learned that if you do your best, people will feel your impact

A couple of my most cherished possessions are things my children wrote about me. I keep them in my calendar to break out on days when I feel deeply imperfect. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, I know. I also assure you, they notice, even when you think they don't.

When my son was applying to colleges, I saved one of his essays about "an event, person or educational experience that had a major impact on your life." What I love most about what he wrote is "Occasionally, I may have thought her rules were strict. I see now they were meant to make me an independent and responsible person."

One Mother's Day my daughter wrote in a handmade card "You show me every day what it means to be a proud, strong, and independent woman."

Some people say your kids don't appreciate you until after age 25. That has not been my experience. I don't know if this is true or not (I didn't check), but I think the reason they appreciate what I've done is because I am also not afraid to claim where I made mistakes (and there were plenty). I also talk specifically about how I parent very differently from how I was raised.

I want them to be fully themselves - and yes, truly independent and responsible. I think they've helped me develop fully into me while doing it. They showed and reminded me of the strength I sometimes forget I have.

I am blessed they've told me how much they appreciate me. We don't always get to hear those words. It doesn't mean you're not making an impact. Be the best version of yourself and people will feel your presence.

I have learned that struggle and joy exist on the same spectrum

Being a mother has been the hardest, and yet, most rewarding job I have or will ever have.

I've had the pleasure of learning what autism spectrum is and how life really is simpler than we think - just love and respect each other. I believe our social ills could be solved if we listened more to the wisdom of the neurodiverse.

I've learned about Adlerian psychology as I've navigated the struggles of an eating disorder in a child. I would not be the person I am today, nor be doing the work I do now if I had not had this experience.

This week will be emotional for me. Joy will be felt as I watch my baby walk across the stage receiving a bachelor's degree with a double major (even as one professor told a class that it wasn't possible). I will be filled with pride as we celebrate that accomplishment together. I am happy to have raised two very independent and responsible humans.

I will also experience sadness. I am sad that their dad will be unable to attend the ceremony with us as he recovers from surgery. I am a little sad that my children are moving farther away to start their lives. As a mother, I know I will experience the full spectrum as I watch them continue on this journey of life.

Closing thoughts:

• Being a mother has taught me more about character, my strength, and my resilience than I could have gotten anywhere else. For that, I am deeply grateful and blessed.
• I honor those who have lost children. Their presence, however long or short, is a gift to relish.
• Even if you don't have children (either unable, made a conscious choice, or whatever reason), listen to the young people around you. They are wiser than you think.

If you need to seek out the wisdom of children, call the PepToc hotline at 707-873-7862. That's 707-8-Peptoc. And watch the story about the hotline from Steve Hartman here.