Weekend Reading: The Questions We Don’t Ask Our Families but Should

Many of us believe we know our families well. After all, we’ve spent years gathering memories from childhood, family reunions, and those unforgettable holiday dinners where Uncle Joe tells the same story for the umpteenth time. But do we really know as much as we think we do?

As an anthropology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, Elizabeth Keating has dedicated her career to understanding the stories that families pass down. Her research, which forms the basis of her book The Essential Questions: Interview Your Family to Uncover Stories and Bridge Generations, reveals that many of us are in the dark about our family histories, especially when it comes to the lives of our older relatives. We might know the highlights—those well-worn tales that get retold at every family gathering—but there’s often so much more beneath the surface.

Keating’s inspiration for this research was partly personal. When her mother passed away in 2014, she realized how many questions she had never asked—questions that now linger in her mind. She wondered about her mother’s interactions, what life was like during her younger years, and who she was as a person full of life and curiosity. This experience led Keating to delve deeper into the stories of others, and what she found was both surprising and universal: many people, even those who have studied history in depth, know shockingly little about the personal histories of their parents and grandparents.

In her research, Keating discovered that while our elders might share a few familiar anecdotes, there’s often a vast world of untold stories that remain unexplored. These stories provide a richer understanding of the world they lived in—a world that shaped who they were before we ever came along. Without asking the right questions, entire ways of life risk fading into obscurity, leaving behind only faint traces of our family’s past.

To help bridge this gap, Keating developed a set of questions designed to unearth these hidden histories. These questions, detailed in The Essential Questions, span a wide range of topics, from the basic to the profound. She encourages us to go beyond simple queries and dig deeper. For example, after asking a relative about their childhood home, Keating suggests following up with specific details: What did the view from their window look like? What sounds did they wake up to in the morning? What was the atmosphere like during family dinners? By asking such questions, we open the door to stories that place us in a rich sensory world we might otherwise never know.

Keating also highlights the importance of asking the simplest, yet most revealing, questions. One of her favorites is, “What do you wish people knew about you?” This question, she says, often leads to the most surprising and heartfelt responses, offering insights that can transform how we see our loved ones.

The reason so many of us don’t know much about our grandparents or even our parents, Keating suggests, is surprisingly simple: we’ve never thought to ask the right questions. When Keating saw how much she was learning from interviewing families, she encouraged her students at the University of Texas at Austin to do the same, tasking them with interviewing their grandparents using her questions. The results were profound. Students not only gained a deeper understanding of their family’s history but also discovered new insights into their own beliefs and identities. As one student, Cole, put it, “I learned things about [my grandparents], their lives, and their relationship that I had never heard before.”

Through these interviews, students unearthed stories that had long been hidden. One grandmother shared her experience of growing up during the Nazi era, including the sudden disappearance of a classmate that no one would discuss. Another student’s grandmother recalled how, as a Cajun, she had to wait outside a restaurant for her food to be passed through a window. These stories brought the past to life, revealing grandparents not just as elders, but as vibrant young people navigating a world filled with challenges and change.

Keating’s work underscores the importance of asking these questions and recording these stories. Our parents and grandparents have lived through eras of modernization, technological revolutions, and significant social changes. Their experiences offer a window into a world that might otherwise seem distant or foreign. Even stories of everyday life—what it was like to grow up during the Great Depression or to witness the arrival of new technologies—provide invaluable insights into the past.

So why not give it a try? As Keating’s research shows, you might be surprised by how much your parents and grandparents haven’t shared—perhaps because they didn’t think you’d be interested, or maybe they weren’t sure how you’d react. Just as the oral histories of entire communities are at risk of being lost through rapid change, migration, and language death, your family’s personal stories could disappear forever if we don’t take the time to ask.

By learning about their past, you’re not just preserving history; you’re creating meaningful connections that will resonate for generations to come. As Elizabeth Keating reminds us, every family has secrets waiting to be discovered—all it takes is the right question.