Week of Understanding: The Intersectionality of My Identity

Authored by?Kristin Schulz, Talent Acquisition Coordinator at?Alteryx?

As?a?person of multiple ethnicities,?it was very important to me to work for a company that valued Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion?(DE&I)?and?that has a?diverse?employee base.?Alteryx?is a company that doesn’t just preach?DE&I?– they practice it.??

Last?week at?Alteryx, we?held?a?Week of Understanding?–?where we?could build?bridges, close gaps, and provide insight?into another person’s perspective across our community.??

As?November is National Adoption Month, it?was only fitting that I share my story?as someone who was?adopted and of mixed ethnicity.?So?Friday, over a video call, I told my story to my colleagues.?Here is a portion of what I shared.?

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My adoption story starts with a woman named Carol, my biological mother (or “bio mom” for short).?Carol was married and had a daughter named Andrea, who is my elder half-sister, but Carol and her husband divorced, and Carol found herself as a single mother raising Andrea on her own while living in a trailer with a friend in Minot, North Dakota.??

Carol?then?became unexpectedly pregnant with me when Andrea was about six?years?old and?she?felt she couldn’t take care of me in her current situation?so she decided to give me up for adoption. That’s when my mom?Deni?and dad Steve?entered the picture. Now, I call them mom and dad because?even?though they’re not biologically related to me, they raised me since I was born.?They are my family.??

Who Am I? Where do I fit in??

As if adoption wasn’t tough enough to deal with, I was raised as an adopted person of color in an all-white family in Southern California.??

I’ve always known that I was adopted – my parents told me I was adopted immediately and I obviously knew I was different simply because I looked so different from my parents and siblings.?All of this had a tremendous impact on my feeling of belonging and the development of my identity. I, like many other adopted people, struggled with feeling abandoned and like something was wrong with me. Why would my bio mom Carol give me up for adoption? Didn’t she love me? Why did she keep my older half-sister Andrea and give me up for adoption???

I?grappled with?those feelings of hurt and anger growing up?in a predominantly white neighborhood. I definitely struggled a lot with feeling like I never truly belonged anywhere, and had several experiences growing up that definitely did not help that.?

For instance,?I remember a family tree project?in elementary school;?I asked my mom what I should do about it since I’m adopted and don’t know anything. I ended up presenting on my mom’s family who happens to have an extensive genealogy because they happen to be descended from the Plantagenet house, which is the longest-ruling royal family house in England, but I never felt like it was mine to claim although I was legally part of the family.?

I’ve had?countless?others make me feel like I don’t belong. For instance, one?substitute teacher in school?took?roll and ask for ‘Kristin Schulz’ and when I said ‘here’ the teacher?had the audacity to say I’m not Kristin Schulz because I don’t look like a Kristin Schulz because Schulz is a German last name,?and I don’t look German.?

It?made it even harder to see?my sister look like my dad and my brother look like my mom. But who did I look like? Where exactly did I come from? I?felt like I?had no roots or genealogy.??

My whole life I’ve had many people?(including?strangers)?come?up to ask me that question any ethnically ambiguous person knows all too well:?“What are you?”??

It took me a while not to respond in anger with, “I’m a human being, what are you?!”?

Truth was, I had no idea who I was. After years of guesswork,?I took?a couple of?DNA tests, and both tests said I was?~62% white,?~22% East Asian,?Native American?and Polynesian?and?~16% African.?Essentially, I’m?half-white from my bio mom and half Asian and Black from whoever my bio dad is.?

Even?after?I now knew my ethnicity, I still felt lost and confused. With lots of help from cousins I connected with on those DNA sites, I began to piece together the genealogy of my bio mom Carol and my bio father. Today I can trace my bio mom Carol’s family back to my 17th?great grandparents in Norway and Sweden. I still don’t know who my bio dad is,?but I’m?very?close to finding him.?While I’m preparing myself for all possibilities, I hope to finally find someone who looks like me.??

There’s less mystery when it comes to?my bio mom,?Carol,?and?half-sister,?Andrea. When I turned 18, I decided to contact Carol and Andrea. I talked on the phone with them, Skyped, emailed with other extended family members?for about six years, and eventually in 2016, I flew to Minot, North Dakota to meet them both in person.?

I thought and hoped that I would finally feel connected and like I belonged when I met them in person, but I honestly didn’t. If anything,?it felt like when I was growing up: I?didn’t look like Carol or Andrea or fit into the community at all.?I still felt like an outsider.?

What I’ve Learned?

Over the years,?I have grown and learned a lot. I had to grapple with and heal from abandonment and rejection trauma as well as imposter syndrome.??

I’ve learned that even though I struggled with feeling like I don’t belong, I will never belong anywhere if I don’t first accept and love myself. As corny and cheesy as that may?sound, it certainly rings true?to me. I’ve also found a deeper sense of belonging through my faith (I’m a Christian) because I believe we are all God’s children, and at the end of the day no matter our differences, we all just want to feel seen and heard.??

I’ve learned that my bio mom’s decision to give me up for adoption was one of love and not rejection because she wanted me to have a better life than what she could provide for me.?And,?what a life I’ve had – though it’s been tinged with many traumatic events such as divorce, deaths and illnesses, it’s also been colored with a myriad of?positive?experiences.??

I’ve learned that even though I don’t look like my?family,?I?was carefully chosen by them and it’s where I was meant to be.??

I’ve learned that percentages are not helpful in terms of how you identify. You alone define who you are and not the world and there are a multitude of aspects of identity – not just one.?

Overall, I’ve learned that being adopted and being mixed gives me a unique, rich, and valuable lens through which to navigate life.??

So at this point in my life,?as I’m about to turn 30-years-old, I consider success not in terms of having a great big house or fancy car, but rather as knowing who?I?am?and truly loving all parts of?myself. I consider success to be healing from the past and finding?my?community.?It’s a journey, but?I’m making it.?

For any?mixed people reading this?-- I want you to know that I see you. You belong, you are beautiful, and you are enough exactly as you are.?

?How You Can Help?

As?our world becomes increasingly diverse, my hope for allies reading this is to not make assumptions based on what people look like or their surnames because those are?trivial things. While humans tend to have this innate need to satiate their curiosity and eliminate that mystery, allow those questions to remain because people will share?if they want to.?Get comfortable with being?uncomfortable and?continue doing the work.?