The Week in Cheek: business news that promises not to over-exaggerate

As bad as your work week may have been, it couldn't have been nearly as bad as Ryan Lochte's. Imagine being an Olympic gold medalist in the backpedal and getting performance reviews like these...

Fortunately for Lochte, “What I’ve always been good at is letting things go in one ear and out the other, so to say.”

Along with being robbed by the media of the spare change of his dignity, Lochte lost a record four sponsors in a single day including Speedo, Polo Ralph Lauren, laser hair-remover Syneron Candela and mattress company Airweave. By the end of the week things were starting to looking up for Lochte who signed on to appear in ads for throat lozenges with the tagline, “Pine Bros. Softish Throat Drops: Forgiving On Your Throat.” Then Brazil called recommending criminal charges for providing false testimony.

If he doesn't land in a Brazilian prison, the future looks surprisingly sparkly for Lochte. Dancing with the Stars is reportedly waiting in the wings, and there may be at least one more sponsor eager to dive into Lochte's shallow pool: Bobby Cohen of bobbyties.com. Cohen has "The best $10 ties on the planet" and a belief in second chances.

“I see Ryan as a blue-chip stock that has gotten whacked over the last week, but maybe I get to buy Ryan on sale.” ~ Bobby Cohen

Bobby Cohen has the best $10 ties on the planet, but are they the best $10 ties on the exoplanet? This week Proxima b, an earth-like celestial body that like the Playboy Mansion may be 'potentially habitable,' was discovered in our neighbourhood, a mere 4.2 light years away. Expressed in light years it doesn't sound too far away but in human terms it's a journey of 80,000 years, even when gunning it in Tesla's ludicrous mode. 

Scientists believe that Proxima b may have red plants and a sky with a purple-orangey hue. You can take that 80,000 year journey or you can visit our otherworldly cousin with one of Libertarian presidential hopeful Gary Johnson's hi Brand Proxima b lozenges.

“It's as good a marijuana high that exists on the exoplanet.” ~ Gary Johnson

Uber (Unprecedented Billions Erased Recklessly) posted losses for the first half of 2016 totalling $1.27 billion, bringing total losses for the company since its birth seven years ago to $4 billion. Amazon, a company that used to have a reputation for being allergic to profitability, posted a worst-ever loss of $1.4 billion back in 2000. Uber surpassed Amazon last year with a loss of $2 billion and is on track to rack up similar losses this year.

Understatement of the Week:

“You won't find too many companies that could lose this much money, this quickly.” ~ Aswath Damodaran, business professor, New York University

Uber promises to make money just as soon as it can get up and running with autonomous vehicles and get rid of those pesky drivers that are costing it so much money to bribe away from Lyft.

 Lyft is a bit behind in the autonomous vehicles race...

Speaking of Lyft, Uber's rival ride-sharer insists that it was not spurned and did not throw itself at potential lovers GM, Amazon, Uber, Google and others. Uber reportedly offered a mere $2 billion for Lyft that had previously been valued as high as $9 billion. Lyft CEO Robert Zimmer is livid that Uber CEO Travis Kalanick would spread rumours that make Lyft look like a cheap play that will let itself be bought out by anyone with a little spare cash and a taste for pink moustache rides.   

“You know what? Life's messy.” ~ Mylan CEO  Heather Bresch

It was a messy week for Heather Bresch, CEO of Mylan maker of EpiPen that gave parents back-to-school sticker shock when they discovered it would cost over $600 to protect their child from the anaphylactic shock of a severe allergic reaction. Ms Bresch drew unwelcome attention for the 400% increase in the price of EpiPen that turned a life-saving product into a career-boosting $1.7 billion blockbuster. On Friday things got even messier for Ms Bresch when she was pictured in the New York Times with a binder entitled "Compensation Review with the CEO".

Reviewing her compensation, NBC found that Bresch's pay rose from $2.5 million in 2007 to $19 million in 2015, a 671% increase. In the span of a week, Heather Bresch with her imaginary MBA and tax haven in the Netherlands has morphed into a vampiric EpiVillan. She's the Elvira the Stiletto, the yin to Pharma Bro Martin Shkreli's Vlad the Impaler. Is this what equality looks like? 

If Heather Bresch, Ryan Lochte or any of us need a role model of image rehabilitation, we should look no further than Jose Canseco. The former baseball player has gone from the steroid-stuffed slugger who almost blew off his finger with a handgun to Twitter's Favourite Financial Analyst who way back in February warned of a Vancouver housing-market bubble that burst this month, and predicted the Brexit two days before the referendum.

He knows the lingo, can tweet with ease on Japanese monetary policy and his musings even have a name. Canseconomics. Could Canseco be angling for Fed Chair Janet Yellen's job, or is someone juicing his Twitter account? 

“I believe the case for an increase in the federal funds rate has strengthened in recent months.” ~ Janet Yellen

“I believe interest rates are the fuel for inflation.” ~ Jose Canseco

Hope your weekend is juiced. 

Recommended reading/viewing

NASA mathematician and Medal of Freedom recipient Katherine Johnson will soon have a movie (Hidden Figures) that tells the story of how her work helped propel the US into first place in space. 

The Wall Street Journal reports on a trend in corporate "Office Space" viewing parties followed by printer bashing, proving that the best way to diffuse satire is to rage along with it.

Forget that MBA. It's better to study philosophy.

Millennials are disrupting wine. A can of Brosé anyone? They're also disrupting whiskey.

A Pew Research study has found that a majority of men believe that sexism is over. Coincidentally, this is one of the reasons why women drink.

There are just too many ways to say it...