Week 34: Are you Too Independent for Your Own Good?

Dear Friend,

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Dysfunctional Independence

In a film I made for Hay House called On Being a Coach, I was interviewed by Reid Tracy, C.E.O. of Hay House, who asked me at one point to name a hidden block to success and happiness that often goes unnoticed.“

Dysfunctional independence!” I said, without hesitation.“

What is dysfunctional independence?” Reid asked.

“It’s independence taken too far!” I replied.

“Isn’t independence a good thing?”

“Yes, but you can also have too much of a good thing.”

“Okay, tell me more,” he said.

Independence is celebrated as a good thing in individualistic cultures like the US and England. Independence is helpful if, for example, you want to live an inner-directed, authentic life. Abraham Maslow said, “Be independent of the good opinion of others.”

That said, too much independence can be dysfunctional and unhelpful. It causes you to feel separate and alone, to be exhausted, and feel cut off from inspiration and from life.

How do you know if you’re suffering from dysfunctional independence? Here are 10 signs.

1. You pride yourself on being self-reliant. You try to do everything by yourself. You spend a lot of time reinventing the wheel.

2. You never ask for help. Why is that? Do you still carry a hurt from when you depended on someone in your past?

3. You are not a good receiver. You like to give, but receiving feels illegal, blasphemous and like cheating or failing.

4. Trusting others is difficult. Why is that? Maybe you don’t give people enough of a chance to show you that they’re trustworthy?

5. You are afraid. “The presence of fear is a sure sign that you are trusting in your own strength,” teaches A Course in Miracles.

6. You find intimacy scary. It’s impossible to be independent and intimate. Do you want to look for love or find love?

7. Something is missing. You can’t feel abundant all by yourself, even if you have all the money in the world. Abundance is a shared experience.

8. You are exhausted. You are running on adrenalin instead of grace.

9. You are playing small. The really big successes require partnership, cooperation, and lots of help from others.

10. You’ve hit a wall. When you surrender to a higher power, walls become doors, and you become an instrument for inspiration and grace.

How do you drop dysfunctional independence? Well, obviously you can’t do it by yourself!

First, you have to see that being inter-dependent is a smart thing. None of us are smarter than all of us! On the other side of independence is a universe of inspiration and fun.

Second, you must be willing to give it a try. Start by completing these sentences a few times each . . .

One way I can be less independent and more successful is . . .

One way I can less independent and happier is . . .

One way I can be less independent and more intimate is . ..

One way I can be less independent and more inspired is . . .

One way I can be less independent and more abundant is . . .

I wish you a beautiful day.

Robert

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