Week 21: Beware of the device - A cautionary tale

When I had my first baby twelve years ago, I didn’t have a smartphone. The most advanced technology I owned was a Blackberry, which was for work use only. When I had my second baby two years later, I had upgraded to an iPhone. 

The differences between my two children are immense, but the main difference as babies was their sleep habits. My oldest child slept through the night at seven weeks old. SEVEN WEEKS OLD! My second child still struggles to sleep through the night (at age 10). 

Until she was two, this meant constant middle-of-the-night feeding and rocking. At some point, I turned to my iPhone during these seemingly endless hours. My greatest hope was that my West Coast friends would have good Facebook posts in the evening. 

While I don’t think rocking my baby with an iPhone has caused her any harm, a Super Soul Conversation with Oprah combined with a situation at church had me re-thinking my middle-of-the-night iPhone habit in a big way. 

Oprah interviewed Sebastian Junger, author of Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging. I was enthralled by the entire conversation. Toward the end of the conversation, Oprah had one of her signature “ah-ha” moments. Junger said that digital devices are starting to impact our relationships - at very young ages. He explained that it happens like this.  

Young child: Crying for attention from parent

Parent: Looks at phone

Young child: Continues to ask for attention  

Parent: Continues looking at phone

Young child: Starts to look at phone

Junger suspects that the child begins to think that if the phone is more interesting to their parent than they are, then they should start to pay attention to it, too.  

This was a major “ah-ha” for me, especially since I was listening to the episode while my youngest daughter was sitting in the back of the car watching her iPad. For the rest of the day I was super cognizant of my phone usage and I vowed not to be more interested in my phone than my kids. 

The next day at church, a toddler caught sight of my purse. Along the side is a slim pocket where I keep my phone. The child saw the (barely visible) side of my phone and beelined toward my purse. He tried to get his chubby fingers into the pocket, but the tight fit and lack of coordination held him back. Hoping he didn't know about permanence yet, I took the phone out of the exposed pocket and zipped it into the bigger pocket. 

He continued standing next to me trying to unzip my purse. After a few moments, my husband took the purse and put it behind his back, yet the child stayed by my side, hopeful that my purse - along with the alluring phone - would reappear. When the next song started, I shrugged my shoulders at him, suggesting the phone was “all gone” and he made his way back to his family.  While I don’t know what device usage might look like in the child’s home, I was awestruck at this interaction given the insight from Junger the day before.

My phone is a key piece of equipment. As a business leader, entrepreneur, wife and mom, it is an extension of my body many days. However, I’m learning not to let it be my crutch. I’m learning to look up more than down at my phone.  

Some days, it goes really, really well. Other days, it’s glued to my hands like an appendage on my body. 

The main difference between when I originally wrote this and now (4 year time lapse) is that both of my daughters now have phones. My 12-year old has an iPhone with a mobile plan. Her favorite thing to do is binge episodes of the Simpsons. My 10-year old has a very old iPhone and her favorite thing to do is create videos. They are both currently bummed about being locked out of our family TikTok account, and I’m secretly gleeful about this. 

I enjoy the fact that they can now coordinate their social lives. I don’t enjoy the fact that we have become a typical family where we are all sitting in different areas of the house on our mobile devices.  

I could go on and on about the mistakes and learnings I’ve had as a parent in an age of digital devices, but will leave that to the many, many experts on the topic. For now, please share:

What devices have you hooked? 

Where do you need help to reign in your digital habits?  

What’s your best advice on unplugging? 

I authored the original 52 Weeks of Meaningful Connections in 2018. Despite the variety of ways we are able to connect, we are lonelier now than ever. This motivated me to re-visit the entire series. In some cases, the 2018 version will stand. In others, it will be updated to reflect the reality of our new world. Don’t miss what’s coming next week and subscribe now.