Week 10 Book Review: Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott

Fierce Conversations was recommended to me in a job interview a few weeks ago. I was so intrigued by the name, it jumped the queue a bit and landed here in Week 10. The name conjured up some of the fierce conversations I've seen - where the participants glowered at each other across the table while loudly and fiercely expressing their opposing ideas. So I was a bit surprised when the fierce that Susan referred to is not quite that kind of fierce - it's the part of being passionate and real in a conversation.

This review will not - cannot - do the book justice. Reading it in just a week has meant that bits have been flying by that I want to sit on, dwell over, and reflect upon - so I'm pivoting. During the months of June and July, there will be no new reviews published. The last review will be published the last weekend before June and the next review will be published the second weekend in August. I will be spending the time doing the assignments in this book and actively working on improving conversations - but I'm not just waiting until then - I'm also working on a few areas of improvement that have jumped out - and shoring up my courage for the fierce conversations to come.

Let's dive into this -

"While success is often measured by an accumulation of titles, acquisitions, and the financial bottom line, little or no attention is paid to the power of each conversation to move us toward or away from our stated business and life goals."

True. I have never considered before how conversation moves me toward or away from goals - but I have seen it played out magnificently these past couple of years. There was the conversation about moving to Europe with a dear friend, that took place in the dead of night in her London townhome. And the conversation with some awesome Danish friends that put Denmark squarely as a primary contender for the place to move. And the conversation with my (now-ex) manager where we agreed that I should move to Denmark for a fantastic adventure. And the conversation with my (now-ex) manager where she advised that my department no longer existed and I was included in the massive layoff. And then the conversation with my new manager where I should lead the investigation into a new technology for a short time. All of them, single conversations - but collectively, a force. Doors of opportunity open and close - one conversation at a time.

"Our careers, our companies, our relationships, and indeed our very lives succeed or fail, gradually, then suddenly, one conversation at a time."

This is how job hunting feels - and is, really. Gradually - and then suddenly. I have had the opportunity to talk with many job seekers over the past few months. Several of them have mentioned that they looked for months with no offers - and then bam - in the course of a day, multiple competing offers. Gradually - and then suddenly. One conversation at a time.

"In fact, it was often the missing conversations for which they were paying the greatest price, the conversations they avoided for days, weeks, months, even years that caused the most devastation."

What conversations are you avoiding to have? The conversations about the new strategy the company should (or should not) deploy? The conversations with a family member about some things that have been bothering you for ... years?

"...a fierce conversation is one in which we come out from behind ourselves into the conversation and make it real... Fierce conversations have four objectives... 1) Interrogate reality 2) Provoke learning 3) Tackle our toughest challenges 4) Enrich relationships"

Wow. Interrogate reality and provoke learning. Finding out other sides to the story and really listening and learning from it while tackling tough challenges and enriching relationships. Wow. Easy to say, easy to type, hard to do in the moment.

"If you recognize that there may be something to this, that the conversation is the relationship, then if the conversation stops, or if we add another topic to the list of things we just can't talk about because it would wreck another meeting, another weekend, all of the possibilities for the relationship become smaller and the possibilities for the individuals in the relationship become smaller as well, until one day we overhear ourselves in mid-sentence, making ourselves quite small, behaving as if we're just the space around our shoes, engaged in yet another three-minute conversation so empty of meaning it crackles."

Anybody else have this kind of relationship with someone? The kind that you absolutely know you cannot bring your full self to? The topics you really wish you could bring up, but you know that they're verboten? The ones where your conversation partner will clam up or walk out of the room and the conversation is over nearly before it begins? Those.

"Our most valuable currency is not money. Nor is it intelligence, attractiveness, fluency in three-letter acronyms, or the ability to write code or analyze a P & O statement. Our most valuable currency is relationship. Emotional capital."

Emotional capital. No wonder emotional intelligence gets so much of a push these days.

"No matter how logical we claim to be, our emotions are the most powerful factor in how we respond and interact with others."

We've all seen this happen - right? We've walked into a house or apartment and "fell in love" with it - without considering the extra commuting distance, the lack of amenities we thought we needed to have, or how practical it really was to take on a complete remodeling project - with zero experience. Or we've taken a job because we "needed" to escape our old job, or because it "felt right" - only to have it turn out to be oh-so-wrong for us.

"It is the unusual leader who turns his or her attention to the conversations within the company, and yet our leverage point, our fulcrum, is the conversation in which we are engaged at any given moment in time."

I've never thought of influence so clearly as a series of conversations designed to move from one direction to another. We talk about influence sometimes as if it's an aura surrounding us that will move someone in another direction, but really, it's the conversations that we are able to have with those around us who will influence them - not the aura surrounding us, jumping out and gently shoving them in one direction or another.

"...while no single conversation is guaranteed to change the trajectory of a career, a company, a relationship, or a life, any single conversation can."

Anybody been in a company where people didn't speak up? Ever regretted not telling someone you loved them, or staying in a relationship way longer than you should have, because you no longer spoke with each other - truly spoke with each other? Ever snapped at someone and instantly regretted it? Ever listened to someone and thought - wow, I can use that in my life here, and here, and here.... and the speaker had no idea?

"...transform how you bring yourself and others into a conversation and out of a conversation. That's what "fierce" is about."

While I have often given a lot of thought to what I want to say in a difficult conversation, I have not often given much conscious thought to how I bring other people into a conversation. Sure - I'll book a meeting room, or ensure that there's space around a conversation, but the conscious self-conversation of how I hope the person will feel, what outcomes I would like to see in and out of the conversation, the differing views they might have, or how to accomplish a specific goal with the other person has sometimes been lacking - even if there's usually some idea of it.

"Fierce conversations are about moral courage, clear requests, and taking action. Fierce is an attitude. A skill set. A way of life. A way of leading. A strategy for getting things done."

Conversation with intention. Sometimes my self-conversations are meandering walkways around an issue, or a set of objections to every possible outcome. Sometimes I am very clear with myself about my needs, and then falter when I am in front of the other person. Sometimes I resolve things quickly. Sometimes I let things linger far, far too long (usually in my personal life - my work life always seems to have deadlines attached). That changes, now. The author is so clear about how to set the conversation, the goals, and the steps needed for having a conversation, that the fierce conversations will come out.

"As individuals, we are stressed either because we don't have enough of the things we want or because we have all of the things we want."

Pondering this one. My recent stressors have been on the not-enough side. Not enough security in having a permanent job, not enough security in my home life (the landlords are selling the house, so we need to find a new spot), not enough time in the day to accomplish everything on my to-do list. Pondering what being stressed because we have all of the things we want looks like. Struggling to see that viewpoint. Comment below and help!

"Let's face it. The world will not be managed. Life is curly. Don't try to straighten it out."

"So... where do you see yourself in 5 years?" Well, 5 years ago, I wouldn't have imagined being here, so pretty sure wherever I see myself, is not where I'll be. The twists and turns of life are what make it full of adventure and excitement (sometimes too much). Leaping ahead in technology, meeting new people, seeing new places, and waking up with wide-eyed wonder at what the day holds helps add to the fun quotient. Set some plans, and then set some more, because the odds are that Plan A isn't going so succeed 100% of the time.

"She responded, 'I'd tell them that what matters anywhere, matters everywhere.' " (Madeline Albright in response to giving all world leaders one piece of advice)

I've seen this since moving overseas. The things that matter in the US - Immigrants, Education, Safety, Daily life - also matter here in Denmark. Sure, it can look different (though both countries seem to have the same negative view on immigration - and from an immigrant perspective, we're just trying to integrate!), but at it's base, it's human concerns - because we are all humans, trying to navigate the course we are on.

"When was the last time I said what I really thought and felt?"

Oooh. This depends on who I'm with. Am I with one of my best friends? Definitely open to saying what I think and feel. Is it in the forums of the corporate world? Maybe. Is it on LinkedIn? Maybe. Or maybe I just don't say anything at all. There's lots of opportunity to scroll right by and ignore the opportunity to give not-so-positive feedback to someone (which should be done in private, not public, y'all), but what if you could change the course of their life by saying something? Certainly, in the scrolling example, it could be best not to if there is no relationship beyond the keyboard. But what if it's a colleague posting a career-limiting move?

"What truths am I adopting because I agree with them and what truths am I deflecting or ignoring because they don't fit with my world view?"

A moment of silence here for reflection.

"Who owns the truth about what color your company is? The answer? Every single person in your company..."

I'm fortunate enough to be working right now for a company who has their values visible and who actively strives towards keeping their promises. That hasn't always been the case, from the view I had on my stripe of the beach ball. What about the Google controversy last year? Clearly the stripe that James Damore was on at Google had a significantly different view about the truth than the stripe the executive suite was on.

"Multiple, competing realities existing simultaneously: This is true and this is true and this is true."

What if the person standing in front of you challenging you was right? What if you were also right? Can you both be right? Can two or more people see different facets of the same object and all be right?

"To help you get clear about the issue, create an issue preparation form like the one below as an essential part of your preparation for a meeting."

I loved this form - the simplicity in setting down thoughts in a few categories in preparation to discuss the issue was awesome - and her explanations were clear.

"It isn't always helpful to exclusively look to the persons with the most experience."

Yep. Because they often come with bias and/or their own view of "right" - which is why sometimes throwing someone completely new at it unjams the gridlock.

"So depending on the topic for the meeting, who has a perspective that you need to understand before making a decision? Err on the side of inclusion, rather than exclusion."

We talk a lot about diversity & inclusion (or else my LI feed just makes it seem that way), but often times when the decisions are being made, diversity and inclusion are difficult to do. It's hard to include the one guy who shoots down every idea, or the woman who has vocal ideas which often differ from the rest of the team. But it's also necessary if you'll be making the best decision.

"This way it becomes clear to everyone that they don't get to come to a Beach Ball meeting and hide out. They are there to listen, think, contribute. Otherwise, why do you need them?

Ever had a meeting where the leader did all the talking and the other people did none of it? Or maybe one or two brave souls offered up a few words to it? When you have a Beach Ball meeting, everyone needs to contribute - so it's on you, as the facilitator to invite their contributions.

"Approach this conversation as Einstein did, with 'thoroughly conscious ignorance.' Get genuinely curious. Ask them to say more."

"Say more." This is starting to be one of my favorite phrases. Inviting people to explain more, to learn more of their point of view, and to work towards understanding why they are saying everything is orange when I think everything is blue. Let's work on true collaboration.

"Innovation! You can't mandate it, so you have to create an environment in which it can emerge, unfold."

Ever told a team they had to come up with 7 innovations a week? It's easy, right? A team of people simply needs to come up with something new every day. How hard can it be? But when innovation is dictated, it loses its spontaneity. It loses the creation of something new because it fills a need or a want. And if people are afraid of making mistakes, innovation is stifled even more.

"'In any situation, the person who can most accurately describe reality without layering blame will emerge as the leader, whether designated or not.'" - Edwin Friedman

If you look at companies practicing Lean, one of the tenets of "respect for people" should be to not lay blame on the people, but on the system. How can you best describe what you are experiencing without blaming anyone involved? This last weekend, I was visiting with friends. The female half of the couple was stating she had a difficult time learning Danish from a certain instructor. Her husband insisted that the instructor was fabulous and she should simply try harder. I suggested that maybe the teacher's teaching style was simply incompatible with her learning style. There is no blame there to be assigned - there is simply a stylistic clash - and possibly all of us know that we have had instructors we have learned amazingly well from, and those we struggled to grasp the most basic of instructions from.

"To help you improve at describing reality without laying blame, a simple and effective shift you can make is to remove the word 'but' from your vocabulary and substitute the word 'and.'"

Oooooh. Trying that this next week. I use "but" a lot.

"One of my favorite quotes is from Rumi, a thirteenth-century Sufi poet: 'Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I'll meet you there.'"

Ever been in a (personal, business) relationship where the other person HAD to be right? Where there was zero room for your opinion, your thoughts, and your feelings? What if you could lead the person out to this field? What then?

"During a Mineral Rights conversation, your goal is to provoke self-generated insight, and you won't give advice until the very end, after they've suggested the steps they will take...The Mineral Rights questions are you with empty hands searching for what is truly needed."

This is hugely similar to my coaching training - in that one is trying to have the other person realize something - not through manipulation, but by asking questions so the other person has space to think, to reflect, to ponder, and to come to their own conclusions. No leading questions allowed!

"One of the challenges worth going after in any organization - be it a company or a marriage - is getting to ground truth. Seems to me you have to get at ground truth before you can turn anything around."

Ground truth - the truth the people at the very end of the line know. The truth the people who are on the front lines know - not the truth that is in the glossy office, not the truth that glitters in the customer lounge - but the truth that is stripping away all of the glitter, all of the lies we tell ourselves, and face stark reality.

"Answered thoughtfully and candidly, the right questions offer the possibility of a life that is much more than a satisfactory compromise."

Raising my hand here - I'm not looking for a compromised life - I want the full thing!

"Unreal conversations are incredibly expensive for organizations and for individuals."

Yeah. Anybody else been in a meeting discussing what to do and seeing group-think at work? Where one person suggests something and everyone else goes around suggesting the same thing or small versions of the same thing? And nobody's saying, "We should do this radical thing over here." When I have conversations with my friends, sometimes I need them to agree with me. More often, I need them to challenge my thinking, and provide perspectives that I haven't considered. That applies to colleagues too - if you only agree with me, neither of us learn.

"We've all witnessed a kind of violence - a lost promotion, raise, or place at the table - visited on those who've spoken their hearts and minds, and it is raw."

Yep.

"No point in telling our leaders what we're actually dealing with every day, since to do so would not be a career-enhancing move. And this is a shame because our first thoughts, unfiltered, uncensored, are usually onto something, yet all too often the courage to capture and voice them fails us."

Still pondering over this one. Definitely have seen it at some companies and have seen the refreshing openness at others.

"Parts of your habitual self serve you wonderfully, while others stand squarely in the way of your happiness and success. Do you know which are which?"

For me, nope. Working on this in July.

"It's time to show up in 3-D, cinematic, wide-screen, surround sound to yourself. Even, perhaps, to overhear yourself saying things you didn't know you knew."

I had this happen in a conversation in Danish over the weekend. Suddenly Danish words were flowing out of my mouth - and I was like woah... where did that come from? But there are other truths also that are known - and yet not voiced.

"Where am I going? Why am I going there? Who is going with me? How will I get there?"

All good questions for me at this time in my life.

"Why is it important to spend time conversing with ourselves? Because all conversations are with myself, and sometimes they involve other people."

Never had I thought of this so clearly. But it's so true. It's why we are thinking of what to say when someone else is talking. It's why we have such a hard time listening, and why we can go out in nature and not be bored for many hours on end - lost in our own thoughts. And perhaps introverts talk more with themselves than extroverts, but we all have some internal dialogue (monologue?) that happens with ourselves.

"I may think I see you how as you are, but in truth, I see you as I am."

Still pondering over this one. Definitely see this in some cases, but am strangely resistant to it in others - particularly some family members. And then I remember my mother saying that, "people who accuse you of something are generally that themselves"

"Identify your single most pressing issue, something that is currently going on in your professional or personal life that you want and need to resolve."

Single most pressing? Just one? Ok. Identified.

"The results you're experiencing and the emotions roiling within you are direct results of how you are showing up to yourself and others."

Oyyyyyy.... I have some changes in my showing up to do to myself - which also means modifying some commitments. And... I don't want to right now. I will make them, of that I am certain - but I don't want to.

"Humans share a universal longing to be known and, being known, to be loved, valued, respected. Being known is at the top of the list."

It was maybe 5 years ago when I first started exploring the concept of being known. My neighbors where I used to live commented that perhaps I was in the witness protection program (I'm not) because I was so personal and private. And I still mostly am. And am working on being able to be better known. It's a journey, not a destination.

"Only when we genuinely see the people who are important to us can we hope to succeed as agents for positive change....We must learn to rebuild the links that connect people and that provide an effective antidote to cynicism and disaffection. We must transform the way we speak, the way we ask, the way we listen. How do we get to know another person? How do we get past 'How are you? I'm fine.'"

Agents for positive change. We need more of these, maybe especially in these days than before. We have huge, societal issues that reek of disaffection and of people being unknown to those they'd like to be closest to. Let's start with one conversation at a time - putting down our cell phones and talking to another person - even if it's someone in line next to you. That's been the biggest change with moving to Europe -at amusement parks in the US, nearly everyone is staring at their phone while they wait in line. Here - nearly nobody is looking at their phone.

"The assignment in this chapter will help you learn to be with someone, prepared to be nowhere else."

This one I'm not punting until July. I'm reflecting and learning NOW.

"So often people forget that one of the fiercest conversations any of us can have is to tell someone how important he or she is in our lives, how much we value and love that person."

How quick are we to point out when something isn't done quite right or needs to have a change? And how quick are we to point out to someone how much their presence in our lives matters to us?

"When we listen beyond words for intent, for the scaffolding on which a story hangs, clarity and character emerge."

Intent - it's so important. Maybe particularly when working with people who do not share your native language, and also most probably when they do share your native language. She talks of an experiment where a speaker talked and the room was divided into content, emotion, and intent. And the people who listened for intent really understood the speaker the most.

"... rarely does anyone recognize that my secret rule is ... questions only."

Hand in hand with not providing suggestions until the very end is asking questions only of the other person so they can probe their own thoughts more clearly.

"So we continue whacking moles and by mid-afternoon we are exhausted, having expended precious energy flailing around on the periphery, in the margins, rather than identifying and tackling core issues: the grubs that attract the moles."

Owwww.... this section really spoke to my engineering background and finding out root cause corrective action, rather than just addressing the symptoms of it. What grubs do you need to eliminate so you can focus on the real issues and not on the many moles showing up?

There are four categories of decisions. Leaf decisions - Make the decision and act. Do not report. Branch decisions - Make the decision and act. Report periodically. Trunk decisions - Make the decision, report before action. Root decisions - Make the decision jointly with input from many.

How does your company make decisions? Do you delegate a lot of trunk decisions, or do you require reporting for a lot of leaf decisions? Is every decision a root decision, taken in a meeting room with many of your closest colleagues - even the "easy" ones?

"The 'fierce' version of confrontation is not firing at someone from across the room, but rather sitting side by side, looking at the issue together...Begin the conversation by providing some context for this feedback. When, where, what. Then ask for their perspective."

This ties into what I advised a colleague a few months ago - if you need to provide non-positive feedback to someone or have a discussion, you have three sentences to make your case. The first sentence is the set up - what happened when. The second sentence is the part about how non-positive the event was. The third sentence is the impact. If you have to go longer than 3 sentences, rework it until you don't. Spending too long on all of the things someone has done wrong results in a lot of defensiveness when you finally rise for air and give them a chance to speak.

"When you praise someone, keep that conversation separate, focused, and clear. Don't use praise as a lead-in to a confrontation."

As she talks about in the book, if you praise, confront, praise, people start looking over their shoulders for the confrontation any time there is some praise that comes their way. And you don't really want your good employees wondering what axe is going to fall if you give them some praise (which you should do - and often!)

"Delivering a difficult message clearly, cleanly, and succinctly is essential."

Also, not over and over and over. Once is enough. Maybe twice if you're looking for behavioral improvement and you see some improvement, but not enough.

"No one has to change, but without a conversation, you can be assured there will be no change."

It's like making an ask of someone - without asking, the answer is guaranteed to be no. With asking, it has some chance of being able to be a yes. So when you have a conversation, there is the opportunity for change. Not saying anything robs the other person of their opportunity to make the change.

"Say what you have to say in sixty seconds, then immediately extend an invitation to your partner to respond."

I really like how she steps through starting the conversation - how to put the pieces together so that you are clear, succinct, and inviting. Sixty seconds. Go.

If your life succeeds or fails one conversation at a time, and if the conversation is the relationship, ensuring that these conversations take place is up to you.

Another nudge towards having those conversations that we've been avoiding for far too long.

"We are guaranteed to offend others when we present our impressions and interpretations as the truth."

A friend has a saying, "He's got his version and I've got the truth." And that's not completely true. We all have our versions of events, of experiences, and somewhere in the middle is the truth. Somewhere when all the stories are mashed together, reality is exposed. Somehow, when we've all said our own raw truth, we've become open, we've ripped off the polite facade of nodding aimlessly, the truth lays bare, all its jagged edges exposed.

"Embedded in the reasons we get our of bed every day and in every action that we take as individuals are our values. A value is a tightly held belief (as opposed to a vague notion) upon which a person or organization acts by choice."

Also, working at a company that doesn't align with your values can be really challenging!

On integrity - "However, if your behavior contradicts your values, your body knows, and you pay a price at a cellular level."

She talks about how the body is more likely to be ill, to be under stress, than if you are behaving in line with your values. Do you say you value family, but are at the office 90 hours a week? Maybe you really value work, but are afraid to say that you value work above family due to the nuclear-level fallout that can occur.

"Few employees are content with a merely contractual relationship in which they exchange their time and skills for a paycheck, then go home to spend their paychecks on what their lives are really about."

Yep. If I'm spending the majority of my waking time, 5 days a week, in a place, I *need* my values to line up with theirs. I need to know that we aren't spewing putrid gasses into the environment, exist to do more than simply make money, and are helping others in some tangible way.

"When we spend a lifetime curbing our anger, our sadness, or our frustration for fear of offending others, in the process we curb our joy."

Never thought of it that way before - but it sits right with me.

"The question for all of us to answer is - does the time we spend staring at our screens each day add more value to our lives or detract from our lives?"

I've feel convicted. My screen staring time often does not add value to my life - the scrolling on Facebook or Linked In to see news, the switching of candies on Candy Crush, the other varied ways that I waste time (let's call it what it is, folks - endless refreshing does not make a better me - and it doesn't change the view much either). Also, I'm not ready to completely give it up because there is screen time that does add value to my life - reading new research, figuring out an old piece of research I have to Google to remember, writing these reviews (which cement the books into my brain better than a lot of other ways would).... I'll figure it out by the end of July... but what about you? How is your screen time adding or detracting value from your life?

"When I don't see you, I am unaware of what may be going on for you. I am unaware of my effect on you. when I do see you, I am able to pay attention not only to the words between us but to their effect as well."

When I'm tired, I am terrible about seeing the people around me. What barriers spring up, preventing you from seeing the people around you?

"During important conversations, my job is to hold, so that we are able to discuss what needs discussing, no matter how challenging the topic and no matter how fragile and vulnerable either of us may be feeling at the time."

To hold. Pause. Still. No elevator music needed. How can we hold the space so the conversations unfold? Especially in times of intense emotions?

"Relationships go on far longer than makes any sense because we don't want to believe what we see, hear, feel, and sense in our gut. We don't want it to be true."

Denial - not just a river in Egypt.

"Fierce conversations, however, require silence. In fact, the more emotionally loaded the subject, the more silence is required."

O

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How can we hold the silence?

"The risk is that in close encounters with others, you will be known. You will be revealed, changed. And why not? You've been strong for too many years. Try something different. Surrender. It's good to need other people. Invite them in."

Indeed. Why not be changed by others? It's perhaps not the easiest thing in the world, but perhaps it is truly better than where we are now.

In 2018 (except June and July), KC is reading a book a week and writing a review on it. Check back next week for the next book, "The Gold Mine: A novel of Lean Turnaround" by Freddy and Michael Ballé. Feel free to suggest more awesome books to read!

Week 6: The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction by Rebecca Z Shafir, MA CCC

Week 7: The Art of Everyday Assertiveness:Speak Up. Say No. Set Boundaries. Take Back Control. by Patrick King

Week 8: The Art of Thinking in Systems by Steven Schuster

Week 9: We have Lost the Coffee by Paul Mathews