Wednesday's Words, October 28: Are You “Shoulding” All Over Everyone?
?? Susan Rooks ?? The Grammar Goddess
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Language is a funny thing meant to help us humans communicate, but sometimes even with our best efforts, we end up with a result we never intended.
Years ago, I took my car in to a local service station. My oil light was on, and even I knew that meant I should get an oil change. Duh. The service guy lifted the car up, unscrewed the cap, and . . . black, tarry stuff oozed out of the car. Barely liquid. Barely.
The look on his face was both funny and horrified.
Here’s what he said to me (close enough, anyway): “Ma’am! Look at this! This isn’t even oil anymore! Don’t you know you should have brought your car in months ago? You could have ruined your engine! You should have kept to the schedule. You should have . . . you should have . . .”
“Shoulding” all over me, he was.
Was he wrong? Not about the oil -- that was so old and thick it almost plopped out of the car.
Not about my having waited way too long to get the oil changed (the red light really means GET THE OIL CHANGED NOW!). Not about having been dumber than dumb.
He was right about all those things. But he never saw me at his service station again.
Why? I’m sure you know. Because no one can go back and do it over, and to keep reminding someone of what she should have / could have / needed to have done is pointless and hurtful. But we all do it! We shame others, reminding them of their total failure – and there’s nothing they can do about it.
I had gone into that service station feeling like a perfectly normal grownup; I left feeling like a stupid-as-anything five-year-old. And I never went back.
Of course, I got over it. But because I was a corporate trainer, focusing on communication skills, I vowed to help others learn how to manage language even better than I had done before that so they wouldn't hurt anyone else that way.
Two simple words can save the day when we’re trying to correct a behavior. Nothing in the past can be changed; we can only make changes going forward. And the more we can focus on the future – and use these two little words – the better our interactions / relationships / results will be.
Next time
NEXT TIME
NEXT TIME
Next time puts the other person into all those tomorrows where changes can be made.
Next time takes away shame, embarrassment, and misery at having done something that cannot be undone or corrected.
Next time allows a relationship to continue in a positive manner, and isn’t that what we all want?
So, if the service station guy had said something like this, I would have returned. “Ma’am, it looks like it’s been a long time since you had your oil changed. The next time you receive a reminder from us about your oil change, please bring in your car right away so we can keep it running as it should. It will be better for the car and safer for you.”
I would not have felt shamed. I would have felt like a grownup who had gotten a valuable reminder.
So let’s be smart and kind with others who may have made an error; let’s help them see what can be done the next time to create a better result.
What other words besides “next time” would work for you? How might YOU phrase it? Do you see the value of focusing on the future, rather than the past?
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2 年Susan Rooks ?? the Grammar Goddess You are 100% correct! Nobody likes to be belittled. It served no purpose. How about the words "moving forward?" That business lost a customer. He gained zero - he's down one. Maybe more if that's his style in customer service. People slip up - I get that. I hope he learned something. I appreciate reading this. Thank you????
Experienced Marketing/e-Commerce Manager and Executive Communications Coordinator
8 年Great advice, Susan. Thank you. It takes so little to be courteous but for many, it doesn't seem to be a priority.
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8 年Thanks for pointing me to this post Janice and Sarah. This is awesome Susan. "Next Time" what a simple way to turn "Should've" on its head. I will be using this more, especially with the kids!
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8 年Susan, I like your post! I try to avoid the word "should" as much as possible. As you say, it sounds too much like an admonishment. We won't change anyone's behaviour by using that word. I like your words "next time." I might say something like "Hey, don't forget, please come back in 3 months time for an oil change!"