Weddings, the love of your life, & the time to remember it all

My wife and I are on our way to a wedding today. Weddings are often fun & full of joy, laughter, people, catching up, social interactions etc. I love them.

For a while though – growing up & before my own marriage – I didn’t mind the ceremony…but I wouldn’t say it was the most exciting part of the wedding. I would look forward to the loud party afterwards.

After my wife and I got married…and now even more so with life being so chaotic, full of kids, rushing, sickness, “busyness” etc…it’s really nice to stop, and sit, and reflect upon the joy that is taking place in front of us (and one of the few sacred times where phones are frowned upon mostly). Additionally – each time we are at a wedding and the ceremony is taking place…one of us will usually reach for the other person’s hand…we’ll grab it – look at each other…and smile.

In that moment we both know we are taking a mini trip down memory lane and thinking of our wedding. Of standing up in front of everyone and making those vows, of our pastors with such a beautifully tailored ceremony and blessings for us, of the smiles & laughter we had and the laughter we had to come.

I could go on about the memories of the wedding but the reason I write this today and ponder from a money/happiness perspective is our best experiences and memories make us happy when we live them but also when we relive them.

Part of a wonderful experience is reminiscing and letting it bring a smile back to your face. I wonder – whether in today’s life – we are too busy rushing from one place to the next, from one task to another, that we forget to pause and reminisce on the good moments in our life often enough.

I wonder if that is what potentially causes many of us to feel unfulfilled, dissatisfied, or more stressed out as we hustle now more than ever.

Specifically, as it relates to marriage – my wife and I don’t have a “perfect” marriage absent of fights. We have had some rough ones and I am as much an equal contributor (or more) to the “fault” list.

However – the times it’s easiest to make up, or fall back in love, or just in general – let the unimportant things go – is when we are together & talking, or lying in bed cuddling, or I see her smile & laugh while playing with the kids and I think “I could never do this without her – our family is what it is because of her”.

Consequently – as I think about happiness & money in the context of relationships – I also wonder whether more relationship issues (or simply moving a relationship from a 7 to an 8,9, or 10) involves more “time”. Not the time spent rushing to a date together – but simply more time being a spectator of the other person. Seeing and understanding, and remembering who they are, what they do, what they are capable of, and all the wonderful reasons you fell in love with them.

In today’s world of long work hours and limited sleep – I pose a calculation:

If a person works an 8 hour day with an hour of commute each way (which is wishful thinking for many), and sleeps 7 hours – that only leaves 7 hours in a weekday to physically “See” the love of your life. Now if we add television, kids, evening activities, rushing around, meals on the go – it’s not unrealistic that many couples could go the entire work week without catching their spouse doing something quirky/cute/romantic/funny/attractive/whatever made you fall in love with them in the first place.

Now we add stress of parenting, jobs that require travel, career stress or job loss, stress of ill children, commitments to the outside world like chores, friends, & family etc – and it becomes very apparent how easy it is for weeks…or months to go by where you feel overworked, overtired, and you keep catching each other at your hardest days and you forget all the great things about the other person.

As I write this – it becomes a lot easier to conceptualize how one day…it just get’s harder to re-ignite the spark. Because that match hadn’t been lit for months. Not by choice, not by ill will, but because everything else (and everyone else) got in the way and we never knew “how” to bring those moments back to life consistently enough.

I don’t have all the answers – but as it relates to why I ponder these things. I now wonder whether the best use of money also includes buying our time back – not just for “doing” other things – but for also building in slow times for reminiscing & for the small, beautiful moments in life.

For the ability to feel in control of that time, present, and in love with the moment in front of us... and not feel the need to be rushing some other task or activity – because we feel like we are “supposed to”.

If you made it to the end of this – I can confidently say there is no “bulletproof” formula. Everyone will have a different idea of what this “time” looks like. My only question to you is – when was the last time you caught your partner/loved one doing something that made you stop and remember “This was a reason I fell in love with you”?

If you are a client of mine and want to explore this more – there will always be space for these conversations. I will continue to work to provide a safe space for exploring how to use your time and money in these ways.

If you aren’t a client of mine and are looking for that type of relationship where you can feel empowered to explore how your money can be better used for your happiness – reach out any time.

Bonus: Joy E. Lere, Psy.D. – a clinical psychologist with the Shaping Wealth team writes a weekly substack and today it’s on marriage with some stories, tips & advice. I found it insightful and felt it fitting to include here as well for everyone to have.