Weathering the Storm: Finding Happiness and Meaning

We had a rough storm in my area last night.?

Tornado sirens go off around 9:15pm.

We get six kids corralled and down to the basement.

The adults balance their time between telling the youngest children it will be ok, telling the oldest children to watch how they talk about the storm in front of the youngest, and making sure the sump pumps are still making the sounds they’re supposed to make.

So, you know, a midwest-summer night.?

The next day, there’s some damage to areas around us, but no loss of life.

Several are without power, and we’re without internet right now. I’m typing this from a laptop connected to a hotspot. What a posh, comfortable world we live in where even slightly less comfort is still more opportunity than some have ever been!?

I don’t really get afraid during these storms, but I see my children worry. I just want them to be happy, safe, and knowing that it’s all going to be okay.

So this week’s newsletter, we’re going to look at happiness and meaning.?

Happiness

I didn’t grow up happy.?

You can read my story on my LinkedIn bio, or see it on some of my posts, but growing up was tough. Yet, I’d consider myself to be relatively optimistic, and more importantly, happy.

But not all of the time.?

And I used to feel like I was off in both directions.?

“I had a bunch of bad stuff happen to me, and I’ve always made some bad decisions. Am I supposed to be happy?

And

“I have so much opportunity, help, and love, yet I occasionally get upset and unhappy. Why don’t I appreciate what I have 100% of the time?

Turns out, I might be normal (eat your heart out, 8th grade teacher who said, “you know, you’re just a little…weird.”)

If you’re unfamiliar with Arthur C. Brooks, he’s one of the leading happiness experts.?

Here are some notes from him on happiness:

1. You’re not going to be happy all of the time.?
2. Our happiness is often our responsibility.?
3. It does require some introspection.?
4. Pure happiness is not the goal.
5. See number 1.

You’re Not Going To Be Happy All Of The Time.?

Wait, what?

Isn’t that the goal?

No! By trying to be happy all of the time, we are denying our other emotions. And our emotions are information.

Picture this: you’re sitting on a park bench, eating your sandwich. Nice day out, birds chirping, people smiling. All of a sudden, an elephant busts through the town square fountain in front of you and starts charging at you.?

What emotion is going to save you - happiness, or fear?

I can tell you my butt is scared and jumping right out of that bench (while grabbing the rest of my sandwich) and running fearfully. I’m not smiling at the elephant going, “look at the bright side - at least I don’t have to pay for a ticket to go to the zoo!”

There’s a stereotype that men don’t like to talk about their emotions. If that’s true, my rebuttal is that we’re just efficient - rather than talk about our emotions, we tend to skip right to showing them!?

Think about the times you showed emotions as a dad.?

Maybe you got teary eyed seeing your child accomplish something difficult for them.?

Or you were frustrated that your spouse didn’t understand your position (even though you didn’t directly speak to them about this).

Or you’re a new dad driving your precious cargo around, and you notice a little more anxiety than usual as you start to drive the speed limit more and wonder about the safety rating of your vehicle.?

Ask yourself - what are all of these actions telling me??

Am I needing to be happy all of the time…or are my emotions telling me what my short and long term goals really are right now??

Our Happiness Is Often Our Responsibility.?

Life would be real easy if the idiots would just get out of our way, right?

Or if our job were easier, or friends would understand us.?

Or, if our candidate was in the White House.?

I hate, hate, hate, boring old cliches. But there’s a reason they stick around. Ever heard, “every time you point a finger, three more point back at you?” It doesn’t apply to every situation, but when we consider how much actual choice we have in our everyday lives as a man, a partner, and a parent, it’s difficult to blame everyone or everything else for unhappiness (and remember - maybe 100% happiness isn’t the goal).?

So before we blame our spouses, children, neighbors, friends, city, or government - what can we do to clean our own house up first?

It Does Require Some Introspection.?

And by introspection, we’ll be looking for our meaning.

How do you find meaning in life?

Meaning in life is three things:

1. Why do things happen the way they do (coherence)?

1. Direction and goals in life (purpose?)

1. Would it matter if I wasn’t even here (significance)?

Coherence

It’s easy to get too caught up in the why’s, but it is important to spend some time there. Why do good things happen? Why do bad things happen??

I’ve had those questions myself. I didn’t always have an answer.?

But these questions help us map out our purpose and significance and form a unified whole.?

Why did I grow up poor??

Why did I meet the partner I met?

Why did I lose a child?

Why did I not get that promotion?

Purpose

My purpose may come from some of my whys. They may also come from societal whys.?

My purpose is to make money. Why? Because I grew up poor. Also, because society runs on the exchanging of time for money, and money can lead to security.?

Sounds great, but this wasn’t a good purpose for me. It quickly burned me out, and quite frankly, made me lose sight of what really mattered (which was right in front of me).?

My real purpose is to leave this place better than I found it.?

Why? Because there has been so much opportunity for me that was only possible due to the help of others and the foundation of my community.?

Significance?

Would it matter if I wasn’t even here?

Yes. To some.?

I think a few people would actually have an easier life! But all kidding aside, if I wasn’t here, my children wouldn’t have the father they have. My partner wouldn’t have the partner she has, and my community would not benefit from the programs I put in place.?

Now, someone else might step in. I understand that I’m important, but there’s a limit, right?

But maybe not. There are a lot of people on this Earth. Despite this, people can feel alone. Children can grow up without fathers, and communities can be lacking in resources and volunteers. Men can often feel like a commodity. How many of us felt expendable, unseen, or like we were just a number?

Let’s go back to that storm in the beginning of this newsletter. My five year old was laying down on a bed, looking afraid. “What do you need, honey?” I asked. “I just want you to lay next to me.” She wanted comfort, safety, and to know it was OK. I lay next to her, and in a few moments, she feels safe, and she’s asleep. I go back to monitoring sump pumps. Small moment, but I’m pretty sure I had some significance there.

So even if things feel very big and we feel very small, know that there is always someone that benefits from the significance of your existence.

To be intentional means we have a plan and a purpose.

Here’s my challenge this week: simple two-question quiz for your life:

1. Why are you alive? You need an answer for what you believe.
2. For what would you be willing to die for today??

Find these answers. That’s the center of your life.?

And no matter your answer, I’m glad you are here and taking the time to read, lead, and be intentional with yourself and your family.

For more on Arthur C. Brooks, whom’s work I based this edition of my newsletter on, here is a Link to his video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xo_GNXION2s. It’s not short - but there’s a lot in here that can help with our “why.”?

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My newsletter, community, and coaching are for the dad that needs and wants a plan.?

I’m here to help! Sign up for my community at www.donstinson.net. Limited spots available for individual coaching - request only by emailing [email protected].?