Weapons to Fight Shyness and Social Phobia

In the fight against shyness, here are a few skills that come in handy.?

The Art of Conversations and Joining a Group

When you want to enter a group of people and join in the conversation, stand on the fringe. Listen carefully first. The conversation could be serious, semi-serious, or light. After some time, move in slightly so you have an advantageous position. You should not take center stage or hover around the fringe. Before you remark, it is best to observe and understand the context, the references to names, and so on. Then, when you feel you have an appropriate remark, find the right moment, and make it.?

Pointers

Whenever you are invited, do a bit of homework on the people invited. Generally, some people do not open up, and some are easy to talk to. Make sure your questions are open-ended and require more than a yes or a no. Open-ended questions allow the conversation to flow.

Here’s an example of a close-ended conversation:

"Hi! Nice party!"?

"Yes."

"The host is a nice guy."

"Yes."

"Having a nice time?"

"Yes."

This could go forever, but the two will never get to first base. Besides, if you are shy and attempting to strike up a conversation, you might think the problem lies with you. (Remember what we said about alternative interpretations? Perhaps the other person could have a problem.)

The Art of Complimenting

• Make sure the compliment does not sound ambiguous. Example: You’ve done it again! (After a speech)
• It should not be a left-handed one. Example: I didn’t expect you to speak so well.
• Make the compliment brief. Focus on the receiver’s strengths and compliment them.

Jane always felt that she didn’t know how to compliment. Sometimes, she would be self-deprecating. “I’m terrible at speeches, but you are so good.”

This typically made the other person console her first before feeling good about the compliment.?

After she went through our exercises, she has a better grip on the art of compliments. She now has a clear idea of the response mechanism. She gauges the person and then compliments her, keeping the compliment brief. For instance, “Oh, I really loved your speech” gets her a better response.?

The Art of Saying No

Shy people usually end up doing something they hate simply because they are too scared to say no. This only increases their frustration and feelings of worthlessness.

Pointers

• Be direct, and don’t hedge.
• Don’t come up with excuses instead of saying no.?
• Give a good reason when you say no.
• Don’t apologize after that.

Practice! Practice! Practice!

You need a testing ground to practice your skills. Do it in front of your close friends. Get feedback from them, and ask for suggestions.

Pick a test spot, a situation that you don’t perceive as very important and in which the consequences don’t matter. The reason for picking such a place is to lessen anxiety levels. Then, write down a few conversation openers beforehand, practice them, and try them here. It will be your first important test. You can evaluate your performance later and improve it.

Relax your mind

Here are some factors you should keep in mind while practicing. A relaxed mind always helps. It is very difficult to feel nervous when you are relaxed. Therefore, learning relaxation techniques is a key component in becoming more comfortable in social situations.

You can learn breathing/relaxation exercises that will help you relax around others. One easy but powerful relaxation technique involves taking deep breaths and then releasing the breaths very slowly.?

• Look for a quiet environment.
• Eliminate all thoughts that will distract you. One way to do this is to find one word and keep repeating it to yourself—preferably, a single-syllable word.
• Next, have a passive attitude. Let relaxation happen to you. Get into a comfortable position. Lie on a bed or a couch or sit in a comfortable chair. Total body support is the key.?
• Get into your relaxed position, and close your eyes. Breathe through your nose. Exhale for a longer time. Make it enjoyable.
• Feel each part of your body supported by the couch or bed so you can relax further. Search for tension in any part of your body, and as you exhale, try to relax it away.?
• When you are ready to end the session, open your eyes and sit up slowly. Take one or two deep breaths.?

Visualize a scene?

You can use the relaxation techniques while you visualize, in a positive relaxed way, the experience you wish to have or the exact situation you wish to happen in a relaxing way. If you do this often, it is very effective.

Some Useful Tips on Conquering Shyness

• Show a real, deep interest in the other person. Ask them to open up; encourage them to talk about themselves. Note some interesting information or funny anecdotes.
• Use those anecdotes later in another situation.?
• Make people comfortable. Once they feel they are comfortable with you, they will automatically include you in their circle.??
• Focus on the event, not on your shyness. Remember, the important thing is to enjoy. Once you start to relax and enjoy yourself, you will lose your self–consciousness.?

Summary

Shyness is a behavioral condition. It stems from perception. The shy person perceives the world in a different light. He imagines that people constantly judge him, evaluate his every move (particularly in social interactions), and, what’s worse, rate him negatively. As the result, the shy person becomes completely inhibited, withdrawn, socially inept, and, in the long run, very lonely. It also leads to, in extreme cases, dysfunctional families and the breakdown of relationships.?

We have explained what causes shyness and how to get rid of it in a few easy steps. You might not change overnight, but rest assured, you would definitely be on the high road to change. Once you are there, it should be a matter of time before you turn into a self-confident, assertive person.