Weaponised incompetence: What it means and why you should care

Has it ever happened that you were swamped with work or were just mentally exhausted and you looked around to see who could help and thought, "Yes, I can take this person's help, it could be a loved one, a family member, a colleague, or even just a roommate? But as soon as they started doing the task, even something as simple as dusting the dining table, you realised that they were doing a terrible job. So you wait and hope that they will, at some point, figure it out. But after a point, you just give up! You get up, take the dusting cloth, and scrub the dining table yourself, with a slight feeling of resentment. While the other person just laughs it off or walks away entirely. One of the possible reasons why this person did such a terrible job even with such a simple task could very well be weaponised incompetence. It is a passive-aggressive behaviour in which a person feigns incompetence in order to avoid having to do something they do not want to do. This can be done in a number of ways, such as by pretending not to understand instructions, making mistakes on purpose, or simply being slow and inefficient.

Weaponised incompetence is often used in the workplace, but it can also be seen in other areas of life, such as in relationships or friendships. It can be a very effective way to get out of doing something, but it can also damage relationships and lead to the other being consistently disappointed.

There are a number of reasons why someone might engage in weaponised incompetence. Some people do it because they are lazy or because they don't want to take responsibility. Others do it because they feel like they are not being treated fairly or that they are not being given the respect they deserve. Still, others do it because they are trying to control or manipulate others. Lately, there has been a lot of talk about how some men escape household chores or other responsibilities through weaponised incompetence. Women and men across the internet have been engaging in an honest dialogue about the damage it can do to partners and how it can replay the same patriarchal system where the women do the chores while the men sit and relax.

As is the case with most such issues, in a patriarchal society, women are expected to manoeuvre around weaponised incompetence, be it at home, or at work. They are expected to be superwomen and handle their responsibilities at work while also being patient and kind with a slow and lazy partner.

On the other hand, there have been some people defending men's actions, saying that they feel trapped in relationships and roles that they did not sign up for in the first place or that they were not fully prepared to deal with the responsibility of raising a family while being supportive partners. Whatever the reason, weaponised incompetence is a harmful behaviour that can have negative consequences for both the person who engages in it and the people around them. If you are dealing with someone who uses weaponised incompetence, it is important to try to understand why they are doing it and set clear boundaries. You may also need to talk to them about the impact their behaviour is having on you.

Here are some tips for dealing with weaponised incompetence:

• Set clear expectations. When you ask someone to do something, be sure to give them clear instructions and expectations. This will help to avoid any misunderstandings. At work, this can be implemented by taking minutes of meetings and sharing them immediately after with all the attendees. Also, make sure to mark the deadlines along with the team or person that is supposed to get the task done. At home, creating a strict timetable and designating chores (the smaller and less complicated ones for the kids, the other critical tasks for the adults) may help with keeping the house in order. Making chores a bonding activity can also encourage the little ones to take part in the tasks with more enthusiasm.
• Be specific. When you give feedback, be specific about what the person did wrong and how they can improve. This will help them learn and grow. Also, always give the other person the time and space to ask questions after having shared the feedback; this will help clarify any confusion about the next steps. Keep in mind that some people may require a longer period of time to come to you with questions, so it is always best to ask them to get back to you in their time, obviously earlier than the expected date of delivery for the task.
• Be patient. It may take some time for someone to change their behaviour. However, when you are on the receiving end of such behaviour, it can be hard to consider the learning curve it takes to change. On such occasions, it can really help to take a breath or leave the space if you sense that you are losing your cool. You can always discuss the matter later on, when both of you are in a calmer state. In the event that you are able to be generous with the person, you can always provide positive reinforcement through encouragement and words of appreciation. This will go a long way towards building a healthier and more functional relationship with your colleagues and loved ones.

Ambitious and passionate women often pick up pieces or make up for the lack of initiative from the other side; this can be deeply frustrating and may even drive you to feel fed up and hopeless. In these moments, it is important to recognise and honour these feelings. At the same time, figuring out a way to step out of the hurt and do a little something for yourself can greatly impact your mood and energy levels. Lastly, sometimes fighting the patriarchy can just mean putting your foot down at home and making it clear that you need a helping hand that actually does a half-decent job at taking care of the home and the responsibilities that they clearly signed up for!