Are we using self-love as a disguise?

Self-love and self-preservation are terms widely being used and promoted, and people are also being educated about them. However, I still wonder: are we practicing it correctly? Have we understood the concept fully? Or are we using these terms in disguise?

What exactly is self-love? Apart from taking care of your desires, needs, and wishes and giving them their due importance, self-love also talks about drawing boundaries. Knowing when and how to say "no", how much to commit, and when to withdraw, I duly consider that even stepping out of a toxic relationship or distancing yourself from people with whom the disagreements increase to the point of causing disrespect is all part of self-love. Right

Nevertheless, at times, you tend to overcommit people, and when you find yourself stuck in a way wherein you want to weasel out, that commitment seems like a noose around your neck. You back out without a defensible reason and simply tell the other person, “It’s self-preservation.” But if truth be told, it’s “self-convenience”.

I came across a particular client who was struggling with trust issues, and she was vocal about it. Honesty, which is considered to be virtuous but hardly valued, she was made to believe by a friend who promised to stay, listen, and be there and also convinced her to share about her life. All seemed good; their friendship grew organically; they spoke regularly as friends, sharing and laughing till this friend abruptly decided to draw boundaries and keep conditions, stating that there’s some inner changes happening that he is unable to understand and feels it's better to distance.

It did blow her mind, but she opted to remain impassive about it; however, this incident left an impact. The duration of friendship is immaterial; however, she opened up despite being skeptical about having faith in people and was now left in bewilderment.

This is what made me discuss it with people around me to get clarity if they have come across cases where they felt dumped or left out, being clueless about what went wrong. Bingo! I came across sufficient cases to motivate me to talk about this. Though the scenarios differed, one common fact that stood out were the terms used as explanations of action: “drawing boundaries, self-love, self-preservation, safeguarding sanity.”

These are essential qualities that we need to aspire to possess, however, not at the cost of hurting others and leaving them in dilemma. A few checkpoints for ourselves when beginning a new relationship or even if you are in a relationship is:

# Commit only if you can or intent to keep your commitment; words are crucial, use them wisely

# Be genuine; even if you feel breaking up/distancing is the best option for you, remember there is “another” involved don’t ignore them; open communication

# Avoid playing with someone’s emotions, everyone has a story, if you can’t be of any help to erase a few pages of theirs please don’t become one additional page.

Relationships end, people fall out of love or have a reason where both the people involved can see it falling apart. In such frameworks ending might be a good option for both but ending it for your convenience and not leaving the “other” with any other option but to accept might not be equitable.?

If this ignites a memory please reflect and not let this become your pattern. “Self-love, boundaries and sanity” is important nonetheless not at the cost of hurting others.?

Just in case, if you have been at the receiving end; talk about it, express your feelings, be vulnerable, don't let such an episode stop you from exploring life. If nothing helps, reach out for support.